A running diary of strange, mostly silly, and random thoughts. I think everyone should have one. I've privately kept one for years but now I'm writing one for public consumption because I'm fearless like that.
May 22nd, 2013:
Hello? Karma Calling!
The Me, Me, Me, Me-First Disease is out of control.
People attempting to shove others out of the way to gain maximum attention. People attempting to throw others under the bus to make themselves look like the better choice. People attempting to overwhelm others with how awesome they are. These type of people really do not seem to care about anyone but themselves and see nothing wrong with pushing, shoving, and screaming their way to the front of some imaginary line.
That's all just so very weird to me. Cause, first, I'm like, don't the Attention Hogs know these tactics do not work? Second, the more you tell people how awesome you are, the less they believe it. And, third, I'm like, Hal-LOOooooo....Karma can't be fooled, heifers! I mean, really. She will be calling upon you to give back to you what you put out to others!!! Duh!
May 21st, 2013:
Etiquette for Gold Digging!
I'm almost positive this subject should be in the driver's handbook for every state: Picking one's nose is not an approved activity while driving! Doing so is akin to texting while driving. So why isn't this subject addressed in handbooks and on public safety billboards?!
Your gold digging should be done somewhere private; preferably where there are four walls and some kleenex! Much as you would like to think so, your car is not private!
To those who dig and flick?! You uncouth toadies make me wonder just how many of those bug corpses on my windshield are really bug corpses!
And I seriously don't like having to think about that!
May 20th, 2013:
Innocent mistake or premeditated intent?
Ma uses Sweet-n-low, I like Splenda but use her sweetner when I'm at her house. For a couple weeks, Ma's mentioned several times that she'd found some Splenda for me and why hadn't I used it yet?
Yesterday, I finally decided to use her splenda packets so she'd stop mentioning them.
I made myself a glass of iced tea, using her "Splenda" and proceeded to chug back a huge swallow.
Wait. Stop. W.T.F.?!?!
The tea tastes like SALT and something chemical-ey. "MAaaaaaa!!! WTF?! That was not Splenda!"
I dig the 'splenda' packets out of the trash. I don't have my glasses on, so I can't read the package. I hand them to Ma.
She looks at the packets for me and in this oh-so-innocent voice says, "I thought it was Splenda."
"Well, what is it?" I ask.
Ma's staring at me with these big blue innocent eyes of hers; like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "It says 'Nasaline.' Oops?"
Personally, I think she was either trying to kill me or, at the very least, incapacitate me for a few weeks until it was time to work in the yard again.
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May 18th, 2013:
"Beware of the big blue innocent eyes"
I started weeding one of my mom's many landscaped gardens. Ma sees me in this particular garden and hurries over to point out a poison ivy plant. She says that it is "her" plant and not to pull it out.
I ask her what she's keeping--and nurturing--a poison ivy plant for. Rather than answer, Ma starts pointing out the different flora & fauna she has in that particular round garden.
I didn't realize until later that she never answered me and, she quite possibly used a distraction technique on me to avoid answering.
Now, my mom is this petite little thing with big blue eyes, and looks and acts like a June Cleaver-meets-Martha Stewart. So what evil intent does she hide behind that innocent façade of hers...?
May 17th, 2013:
"You are not Funny!"
So. My mom & stepdad were bickering with each other (as they do) when my mom put her fingertips to her temples and said, "oh! I suddenly have this sharp pain right here!"
I popped out with, "that's called your last nerve."
Now, see, I thought that was funny. Stepdad thought it was funny. Mom? Not funny. I am SO funny! Dang it!
May 15th, 2013:
The subconscious mind is an amazing thing: Ma's having some work done around her place. One of the seriously hawt guys doing the work is named Margarito. Ma accidentally called him "Mojito" three. Separate. TIMES. Before she finally turned to me and said, "Hey, you want to go to Jose Peppers for dinner?"
Guess Ma had been jonesing for a mojito, or three.
May 13th, 2013:
Wondering how ill-mannered, uncouth, and / or déclassé it is to take your mom shopping for Mother's Day andend up buying something for yourself, instead...? I mean, I found a very cool statue that I just had to have but Ma didn't want anything so I'm wondering just how bad of a daughter does this make me?
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PS: Isn't She COOL?!?!
May 10th, 2013: If I tell you I love you, it does not mean that you own me. Loving you does not mean I have to stay with you or stay where you are. Nor, does it mean I stop loving you when I leave; I take the love with me.
May 3rd, 2013:
Dear Slow Drivers of America: You are 85% of the reason for Road Rage and 50% of the reason for car accidents! I don't have a problem with you driving slowly. Really. But could you possibly do it in the outside lane!!! The inside, passing lane is called the PASSING LANE because it's for the cars behind you to PASS your slow-driving butt!
PS: When you're driving slowly in the PASSING LANE,and acting like you don't see the cars behind you or beside you? We KNOW you see us!
April 28th, 2013:
Note to self: When completing a phone call with a rude customer service rep, make SURE you have pushed the "end" button on your phone before talking shit about said rude bitch; especially when she is the deciding vote of whether you get what you want or not!
April 21st, 2013:
I absolutely love men, I really do. I just don't believe women should have to breast feed them after they graduate from college.
April 20th, 2013:
Warning to All Thieves: Attempt to steal my dreams and I will stab you. Hard. With a number two pencil. So that it hurts. Very, very badly.
April 19th, 2013:
If I were a butterfly, I'd probably look like every other butterfly until...I spread my wings! Oh, the rare and beautiful color of my wings!
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April 17th, 2013:
Explanation of Thunder & Lightning to a four year old: Thunder is one of the ways God talks to us and the lightning comes first as His way of saying, "Hey, pay attention, I'm getting ready to speak here!"
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April 16th, 2013:
Kidney Stones. The closest God could come to making men know what it feels like for a woman to give birth.
Score one for Team God!
April 15th, 2013:
Dear Dog Owners of Tiny Dogs: I think your dogs are simply adorableuntil... you are at the table next to me in a restaurant and pull them out of your purse to eat and drink from your glass and plate. I'm almost positive you'd have a problem with me if I did the same thing with my 110 lb American Bulldog.
April 12th, 2013
Weird how no one seems to be as sympathetic to you when you're injured as they would expect you to be if they were injured.
Note to self: Buy mom a book detailing the emancipation of slavery in the US. Also buy a law book and highlight the areas showing where slavery is now illegal.
April 10th, 2013
New reason to shave cat bald.
A few days ago when I was walking down the hallway she ran in front of me and just stopped. I tripped over her and hurt my back. Then today, I was trying to "gingerly" walk down some steps so I didn't re-injure my back and ended up falling down and twisting my ankle. So the ankle is her fault, too.
That lil heifer is going down!
April 9th, 2013
Why do some women wear a coat and furry, warm boots with shorts or mini-skirts when it's cold outside? I mean, really. What goes through their minds?!
April 4th, 2013
If I have to explain to my cat who it is that's in charge around here just one more damn time, I'm taking the clippers and shaving her ass bald. Bald, I say! BALD!
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May 22nd, 2013:
Hello? Karma Calling!
The Me, Me, Me, Me-First Disease is out of control.
People attempting to shove others out of the way to gain maximum attention. People attempting to throw others under the bus to make themselves look like the better choice. People attempting to overwhelm others with how awesome they are. These type of people really do not seem to care about anyone but themselves and see nothing wrong with pushing, shoving, and screaming their way to the front of some imaginary line.
That's all just so very weird to me. Cause, first, I'm like, don't the Attention Hogs know these tactics do not work? Second, the more you tell people how awesome you are, the less they believe it. And, third, I'm like, Hal-LOOooooo....Karma can't be fooled, heifers! I mean, really. She will be calling upon you to give back to you what you put out to others!!! Duh!
May 21st, 2013:
Etiquette for Gold Digging!
I'm almost positive this subject should be in the driver's handbook for every state: Picking one's nose is not an approved activity while driving! Doing so is akin to texting while driving. So why isn't this subject addressed in handbooks and on public safety billboards?!
Your gold digging should be done somewhere private; preferably where there are four walls and some kleenex! Much as you would like to think so, your car is not private!
To those who dig and flick?! You uncouth toadies make me wonder just how many of those bug corpses on my windshield are really bug corpses!
And I seriously don't like having to think about that!
May 20th, 2013:
Innocent mistake or premeditated intent?
Ma uses Sweet-n-low, I like Splenda but use her sweetner when I'm at her house. For a couple weeks, Ma's mentioned several times that she'd found some Splenda for me and why hadn't I used it yet?
Yesterday, I finally decided to use her splenda packets so she'd stop mentioning them.
I made myself a glass of iced tea, using her "Splenda" and proceeded to chug back a huge swallow.
Wait. Stop. W.T.F.?!?!
The tea tastes like SALT and something chemical-ey. "MAaaaaaa!!! WTF?! That was not Splenda!"
I dig the 'splenda' packets out of the trash. I don't have my glasses on, so I can't read the package. I hand them to Ma.
She looks at the packets for me and in this oh-so-innocent voice says, "I thought it was Splenda."
"Well, what is it?" I ask.
Ma's staring at me with these big blue innocent eyes of hers; like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "It says 'Nasaline.' Oops?"
Personally, I think she was either trying to kill me or, at the very least, incapacitate me for a few weeks until it was time to work in the yard again.
May 18th, 2013:
"Beware of the big blue innocent eyes"
I started weeding one of my mom's many landscaped gardens. Ma sees me in this particular garden and hurries over to point out a poison ivy plant. She says that it is "her" plant and not to pull it out.
I ask her what she's keeping--and nurturing--a poison ivy plant for. Rather than answer, Ma starts pointing out the different flora & fauna she has in that particular round garden.
I didn't realize until later that she never answered me and, she quite possibly used a distraction technique on me to avoid answering.
Now, my mom is this petite little thing with big blue eyes, and looks and acts like a June Cleaver-meets-Martha Stewart. So what evil intent does she hide behind that innocent façade of hers...?
May 17th, 2013:
"You are not Funny!"
So. My mom & stepdad were bickering with each other (as they do) when my mom put her fingertips to her temples and said, "oh! I suddenly have this sharp pain right here!"
I popped out with, "that's called your last nerve."
Now, see, I thought that was funny. Stepdad thought it was funny. Mom? Not funny. I am SO funny! Dang it!
May 15th, 2013:
The subconscious mind is an amazing thing: Ma's having some work done around her place. One of the seriously hawt guys doing the work is named Margarito. Ma accidentally called him "Mojito" three. Separate. TIMES. Before she finally turned to me and said, "Hey, you want to go to Jose Peppers for dinner?"
Guess Ma had been jonesing for a mojito, or three.
May 13th, 2013:
Wondering how ill-mannered, uncouth, and / or déclassé it is to take your mom shopping for Mother's Day andend up buying something for yourself, instead...? I mean, I found a very cool statue that I just had to have but Ma didn't want anything so I'm wondering just how bad of a daughter does this make me?
PS: Isn't She COOL?!?!
May 10th, 2013: If I tell you I love you, it does not mean that you own me. Loving you does not mean I have to stay with you or stay where you are. Nor, does it mean I stop loving you when I leave; I take the love with me.
May 3rd, 2013:
Dear Slow Drivers of America: You are 85% of the reason for Road Rage and 50% of the reason for car accidents! I don't have a problem with you driving slowly. Really. But could you possibly do it in the outside lane!!! The inside, passing lane is called the PASSING LANE because it's for the cars behind you to PASS your slow-driving butt!
PS: When you're driving slowly in the PASSING LANE,and acting like you don't see the cars behind you or beside you? We KNOW you see us!
April 28th, 2013:
Note to self: When completing a phone call with a rude customer service rep, make SURE you have pushed the "end" button on your phone before talking shit about said rude bitch; especially when she is the deciding vote of whether you get what you want or not!
April 21st, 2013:
I absolutely love men, I really do. I just don't believe women should have to breast feed them after they graduate from college.
April 20th, 2013:
Warning to All Thieves: Attempt to steal my dreams and I will stab you. Hard. With a number two pencil. So that it hurts. Very, very badly.
April 19th, 2013:
If I were a butterfly, I'd probably look like every other butterfly until...I spread my wings! Oh, the rare and beautiful color of my wings!
April 17th, 2013:
Explanation of Thunder & Lightning to a four year old: Thunder is one of the ways God talks to us and the lightning comes first as His way of saying, "Hey, pay attention, I'm getting ready to speak here!"
April 16th, 2013:
Kidney Stones. The closest God could come to making men know what it feels like for a woman to give birth.
Score one for Team God!
April 15th, 2013:
Dear Dog Owners of Tiny Dogs: I think your dogs are simply adorableuntil... you are at the table next to me in a restaurant and pull them out of your purse to eat and drink from your glass and plate. I'm almost positive you'd have a problem with me if I did the same thing with my 110 lb American Bulldog.
April 12th, 2013
Weird how no one seems to be as sympathetic to you when you're injured as they would expect you to be if they were injured.
Note to self: Buy mom a book detailing the emancipation of slavery in the US. Also buy a law book and highlight the areas showing where slavery is now illegal.
April 10th, 2013
New reason to shave cat bald.
A few days ago when I was walking down the hallway she ran in front of me and just stopped. I tripped over her and hurt my back. Then today, I was trying to "gingerly" walk down some steps so I didn't re-injure my back and ended up falling down and twisting my ankle. So the ankle is her fault, too.
That lil heifer is going down!
April 9th, 2013
Why do some women wear a coat and furry, warm boots with shorts or mini-skirts when it's cold outside? I mean, really. What goes through their minds?!
April 4th, 2013
If I have to explain to my cat who it is that's in charge around here just one more damn time, I'm taking the clippers and shaving her ass bald. Bald, I say! BALD!
