Dear Friends & Valued Clients,
Much talk is bandied about Facebook Stalking and the subtle territorial wars women wage with one another over a man by posting comments, activities and pictures knowing the competition will look and be warned off. Men do it too when they want to create the mystique that they are hotly pursued and much in demand by posting a slew of women "friends". Some guys love knowing there is a cat fight brewing over him. As of this writing, I have heard of covert strategies which would impress Napoleon and his nemesis Wellington. I haven't heard of any victories.
What about snooping his cell phone calls and text messages? It is a gross invasion of his privacy and none of us will deny that. Is it ever justified, and if so under what conditions?
My answer to that is the only time putting a man's cell phone under a woman's watchful eye (surveillance), would be if the couple is married and the wife has more than a fleeting suspicion her spouse is having an affair. She has felt for a long time her marriage was dysfunctional and proof of adultery will be the catalyst for her seeking a divorce. But even then, I am of mixed feelings. Bear in mind, he might want her to find the messages because he is looking for an out. Also consider if there is a lot of money at stake, he might erase all messages to keep her in the dark and protect the marital assets. For me, the jury is out on just how useful it would be to monitor his messages. In any event the cost to a woman's nervous system might not be worth the trouble. In the state of Illinois a woman was prosecuted for invading her husband's privacy even when it was clear he was having an affair. So the legal risks have to be considered.
Perhaps a more constructive alternative would be for the wife to say: "I have become uncomfortable with the dynamics of our relationship and I feel it is time to clear the air. I feel we should go into couples counseling to get at the truth in order to establish if our marriage is worth saving."
Most often if a woman feels her husband is unfaithful he is. Wives have a fine tuned albeit subtle radar when it comes to a husband's antics. We know before he strays that he is going to do so and in many cases we know who the woman is or will be. He drops clues and we are ever vigilant to decipher the verbal and non verbal cues. It is probably an inherited ancient survival tactic passed down to us by our prehistoric ancestors. Women had to protect hearth and home and make sure the man remained the provider for her and her children. She was the alpha female of her domain and would book no interference from an interloper.
Fast forward to the 21st century and we are still ever alert to signs of male wanderlust into another female zone. But, do we have the right to invade his privacy? Truthfully we don't.
Unless we are in a verbally committed relationship and have expressed our intentions to be faithful, he is not cheating. Often we women assume the man with whom we are intimate is committed to us because he doesn't say otherwise. We infer because we are so available to him that he has already decided we are "the one". That isn't necessarily so. Often a man will be hesitant to hurt our feelings so will not be direct. He is strong in many aspects but can't face a woman's tears. He gives all sorts of double messages. This tactic comes in handy if he is enjoying great sex with a woman to whom he has not expressed commitment. It misleads the woman with a false sense of security until along comes that nagging anxiety in the pit of the stomach.
Once we give into the temptation to check out who is calling him and who he is texting, we easily become slaves to that practice. By doing so we fan the flames of our own insecurity. Are we so wretched and so needy that we have to monitor his calls and text messages? What is that saying about us? It says we are jealous and suspicious even if we believe we have just cause. Eventually the man is going to find out we have been checking his messages and that will be the relationship deal breaker. It shows us at our worst to have poor respect for another person's privacy and boundaries. It reveals a darker side of who we are. We are not empowered by this behavior but show ourselves to have an ethical blind spot.
Furthermore, we don't always get the whole picture. A man who is determined to guard his privacy will delete his messages and his call log. There are no messages so all is well. Perhaps this is so. Perhaps this is the illusion he wanted to create. There is no guarantee we will get at the real truth.
Stalking him, monitoring his Facebook account, putting his cell phone and text messages under our watchful eye, and hacking into his e-mail is more addicting than opium. This addiction can take over our lives. Once he catches us, if he does, his respect for us will be gone.
Relationships which are wholesome, healthy and destined to go the distance are those in which neither partner feeds the insecurity of the other. There is no need to monitor and check out what our lover is doing because both have agreed to the boundaries of the relationship. It hasn't been rushed with premature intimacy. If we are nervous and feeling uncertain about a man's trustworthiness and truthfulness we must listen to those feelings, redefine the relationship and/or get out. None of us can make a man who is a womanizer, or a serial dater faithful. It is not about us. It is about his need and what drives him. All the spying in the world isn't going to change that. I might also say, contorting ourselves into a pretzel to please him, being too available and overly accommodating won't get us anywhere either but it will push him out the door faster.
The power to create and manifest the relationship we truly want is within us. It is not just what we desire it is also what we feel we deserve. Perhaps it is time to work on our sense of worthiness instead of directing our energy into stalking him, and monitoring his activities. If we don't or can't trust him, we never will. We will spend our entire relationship spying on his activities and checking his cell phone. We deserve better and should demand more of ourselves. In truth, so does he.
Much love, many blessings,
Anna Maria Gabriel
![]()
Much talk is bandied about Facebook Stalking and the subtle territorial wars women wage with one another over a man by posting comments, activities and pictures knowing the competition will look and be warned off. Men do it too when they want to create the mystique that they are hotly pursued and much in demand by posting a slew of women "friends". Some guys love knowing there is a cat fight brewing over him. As of this writing, I have heard of covert strategies which would impress Napoleon and his nemesis Wellington. I haven't heard of any victories.
What about snooping his cell phone calls and text messages? It is a gross invasion of his privacy and none of us will deny that. Is it ever justified, and if so under what conditions?
My answer to that is the only time putting a man's cell phone under a woman's watchful eye (surveillance), would be if the couple is married and the wife has more than a fleeting suspicion her spouse is having an affair. She has felt for a long time her marriage was dysfunctional and proof of adultery will be the catalyst for her seeking a divorce. But even then, I am of mixed feelings. Bear in mind, he might want her to find the messages because he is looking for an out. Also consider if there is a lot of money at stake, he might erase all messages to keep her in the dark and protect the marital assets. For me, the jury is out on just how useful it would be to monitor his messages. In any event the cost to a woman's nervous system might not be worth the trouble. In the state of Illinois a woman was prosecuted for invading her husband's privacy even when it was clear he was having an affair. So the legal risks have to be considered.
Perhaps a more constructive alternative would be for the wife to say: "I have become uncomfortable with the dynamics of our relationship and I feel it is time to clear the air. I feel we should go into couples counseling to get at the truth in order to establish if our marriage is worth saving."
Most often if a woman feels her husband is unfaithful he is. Wives have a fine tuned albeit subtle radar when it comes to a husband's antics. We know before he strays that he is going to do so and in many cases we know who the woman is or will be. He drops clues and we are ever vigilant to decipher the verbal and non verbal cues. It is probably an inherited ancient survival tactic passed down to us by our prehistoric ancestors. Women had to protect hearth and home and make sure the man remained the provider for her and her children. She was the alpha female of her domain and would book no interference from an interloper.
Fast forward to the 21st century and we are still ever alert to signs of male wanderlust into another female zone. But, do we have the right to invade his privacy? Truthfully we don't.
Unless we are in a verbally committed relationship and have expressed our intentions to be faithful, he is not cheating. Often we women assume the man with whom we are intimate is committed to us because he doesn't say otherwise. We infer because we are so available to him that he has already decided we are "the one". That isn't necessarily so. Often a man will be hesitant to hurt our feelings so will not be direct. He is strong in many aspects but can't face a woman's tears. He gives all sorts of double messages. This tactic comes in handy if he is enjoying great sex with a woman to whom he has not expressed commitment. It misleads the woman with a false sense of security until along comes that nagging anxiety in the pit of the stomach.
Once we give into the temptation to check out who is calling him and who he is texting, we easily become slaves to that practice. By doing so we fan the flames of our own insecurity. Are we so wretched and so needy that we have to monitor his calls and text messages? What is that saying about us? It says we are jealous and suspicious even if we believe we have just cause. Eventually the man is going to find out we have been checking his messages and that will be the relationship deal breaker. It shows us at our worst to have poor respect for another person's privacy and boundaries. It reveals a darker side of who we are. We are not empowered by this behavior but show ourselves to have an ethical blind spot.
Furthermore, we don't always get the whole picture. A man who is determined to guard his privacy will delete his messages and his call log. There are no messages so all is well. Perhaps this is so. Perhaps this is the illusion he wanted to create. There is no guarantee we will get at the real truth.
Stalking him, monitoring his Facebook account, putting his cell phone and text messages under our watchful eye, and hacking into his e-mail is more addicting than opium. This addiction can take over our lives. Once he catches us, if he does, his respect for us will be gone.
Relationships which are wholesome, healthy and destined to go the distance are those in which neither partner feeds the insecurity of the other. There is no need to monitor and check out what our lover is doing because both have agreed to the boundaries of the relationship. It hasn't been rushed with premature intimacy. If we are nervous and feeling uncertain about a man's trustworthiness and truthfulness we must listen to those feelings, redefine the relationship and/or get out. None of us can make a man who is a womanizer, or a serial dater faithful. It is not about us. It is about his need and what drives him. All the spying in the world isn't going to change that. I might also say, contorting ourselves into a pretzel to please him, being too available and overly accommodating won't get us anywhere either but it will push him out the door faster.
The power to create and manifest the relationship we truly want is within us. It is not just what we desire it is also what we feel we deserve. Perhaps it is time to work on our sense of worthiness instead of directing our energy into stalking him, and monitoring his activities. If we don't or can't trust him, we never will. We will spend our entire relationship spying on his activities and checking his cell phone. We deserve better and should demand more of ourselves. In truth, so does he.
Much love, many blessings,
Anna Maria Gabriel