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Why your relationship didn’t work…….
(Or the one before that and the one before that....)
There really is something to the adage that 'too much of a good thing isn't good for you'.
So you're sitting there, waiting for the phone to ring...pacing over to the window and hoping for his car to drive up...then back to reading the email he sent saying it's over....and of course, more tears because you thought everything was wonderful and you're absolutely devastated that he broke up with you.
Breaking up can be as cataclysmic as the death of a loved one. Perhaps harder to bear because you know Death is final, but a breakup still offers hope that he'll change his mind, or you can change it for him, and he'll return.
You don't know what you've done wrong. You've had other failed relationships and you gave them all your time and attention, texting several times a day to let them know you were thinking about them, sending them cute Hallmark cards, buying gifts that had meaning for you both. .
Let's start, for example, with your favorite flavor of Starbucks coffee, the Christmas Blend, that’s only sold during the Holidays. People wait impatiently for that notice to go up on the Starbucks website, or drive the baristas crazy asking 'when are they putting it out for sale?" Finally, the day comes and you put in your order. You savor it, love that cup of coffee and probably spend a small fortune on it during December.
Now let's say they decide to put that blend out all year round. You love it, so at first you drink it every day. But before long it doesn't taste as good and eventually you stop buying it.
It's the same with a relationship. At first blush, it's exciting to get the response text, email and phone call. You live for those moments.
Pretty soon though, you begin to notice he texts and calls less.
That's the first red flag.
At that point the message he’s sending you is, 'We're going too fast, it's becoming irritating, and it’s not fun anymore. If you backed off at that point and let him take the lead, what you'd find is that his communications would have more substance and quality.
Then, he responds to the latest gift by saying something like, “You really shouldn't have." Translate that to mean you REALLY shouldn't have. He's beginning to feel uncomfortable with all the gifts, the attention and the time it's taking out of his daily routine to respond, and his feelings are turning from excitement to irritation and stress.
Before long he only contacts you infrequently and you begin to push him for a reason. Your anxiety only makes you try harder to get him to respond.
Then comes the dreaded message...."It's over. I'm moving on and suggest you do the same."
Your life is suddenly in pieces. You can't even breathe normally for your anxiety. Your physical wellbeing is affected; you can't sleep, eat or function normally at work.
But most of all, you can't understand WHY.
And it's happened before...several times.
If you rush headlong into a relationship, devoting all of your time to trying to make it work, it’s like overwatering your garden. You're going to drown the tomatoes. Everything needs to be done in a calm and measured way. Force-feeding will kill your relationship.
We live in such a fast paced society we rush, rush, rush to and feel we need to do the same with our relationships. When we want something, we want it NOW.
The truth is, we're smothering it.
I've had literally hundreds of calls from Clients in tears, saying they've done everything for the other person and don't know why it didn't work. Usually it turns out that they HAVE done everything – except practice restraint. My advice is to look at how you're acting in the relationship....Are you contacting him more than once a day? Are you disappointed and scared if your expectation of an immediate response isn’t met?
You don’t want the guy to feel as if he’s being pursued, because from a male point of view there's a fine line between that and being stalked.
Let him be the one to initiate contact, especially in the beginning. Don't try to monopolize his time, and then instill guilt if he fails to meet your expectations. And most of all don't make the mistake of contacting the guy at work. Most women don't realize that many men have a role playing persona in their job and they try to maintain that energy all day at work. Calling them makes them drop that persona to respond to you and for many men that's very irritating and troublesome.
Try to sit down and consider some of the things in this blog and if they apply to you, remember that its quality you want in a relationship, not quantity. Like that special flavor, savor it and don't overdo it.