Why Do People Cheat? An Excerpt From My Book 'The Dating Game'

Why do People Cheat?

Let’s start with women.

There is a misconception out there that men cheat more frequently than females.  In my personal observations I find this to be untrue.  I receive just as many calls from women who are being unfaithful to their husbands and significant others as I do from women who are involved with a man who is either married or seriously involved with another woman.

I do find that when women cheat, they are prone to cheat at a higher percentage due to dissatisfaction with the current primary relationship in hopes that the new lover will provide them with what is missing in that primary relationship.  More women than men seem to venture into cheating situations to find their next serious relationship.

Some women, a minority, cheat for the pure excitement and recreational sex, but these are women with very strong masculine energies.  They look at the extracurricular relationship as just that, and have no intentions of turning into a real relationship.

Personally, I believe that it is best (and healthiest), if you are looking for a new relationship, to end the primary relationship before becoming involved with a new lover, and this is simply to avoid the complications and obstacles that the cheating itself brings about.

When a man has a relationship with a woman outside of her marriage or primary relationship a lot of factors go into why he is doing it.  Of course, it is possible that he is falling in love and that he wants a relationship with you as much as you do with him, but, again, this is a rarity.

If the “Other Man” is single and fully unattached, he may want more with you, he may be one who wants you to end your primary relationship and launch a full-blown relationship with you.

How can you tell?

He will pressure you to leave your partner, he will ask you straight out “When are you going to end it so we can be together”. It’s that simple.  He will also be there for you in other ways, perhaps he encourages you to move out of your home or provides financial assistance.  If you lover wants to become your number one, you will not have to ask, you will know.

If he is not exhibiting any of the aforementioned behaviors, then he is most likely enjoying the convenience of having a woman in his life without the obligation or commitment a normal relationship would require, and if you truly are looking for your next “real” relationship, stop wasting your time with this particular guy as he is not going to be there for you when and if you do exit your marriage.

What if your lover is also married?  This complicates the situation even more as you are not in a relationship triangle you have now entered into a relationship square. 

Of all the different forms of affairs, this is the most complicated and most likely to fail in transitioning into a dedicated relationship between the two of you.

First of all, you are both cheating.  Why are you cheating?  You may be looking for an outlet for your sexuality and your personality and want nothing more, if that is the case, you know what you are doing and have no high expectations of the affair changing into something more. However, if you are looking for more, you may be in danger of being extremely disappointed if he is not also looking to change partners.

In this case, it is very important to find out what his motivations for cheating are and what his expectations from the affair are.

Let’s look at why men cheat.

Some are also looking for their next serious relationship and are not comfortable leaving the marriage until they have secured a new partner, this is very unhealthy and reeks of codependency, however, it does happen.

Some men just succumb to the biological predisposition and their animal instincts.  They aren’t looking for a new partner, they are looking for pure recreational sex outside of their primary relationship.  They may be fun and charming, but their heart lies with their primary relationship, even if their body doesn’t.

This may be very hard for some people to comprehend or accept, but a very high risk time for these types of men (the biologically weak), is when their wife or life partner is pregnant or has just given birth. Naturally if you are the other woman you may want to believe that he is cheating on his pregnant wife, or newly maternal girlfriend because he suspects that the child is not his, but in the majority of instances, this is not the case.  Sexual experience outside of the primary relationship in this instance is usually due to the male having a Madonna/Whore complex OR because the wife or girlfriend is incapable of having sexual relations due to the trauma of having just given birth or the discomfort of a late-term pregnancy.  If the man you are cheating with falls into this category, you are probably having an affair that is purely sexual in nature.

How can you tell if your affair is “just sex”?

The time you spend together is limited to sexual activity.  The primary goal being sexual gratification, no dating, no dancing and dining, just hooking up for the physical release and nothing more, is a dead give-away.

Some men cheat because they actually fall in love with another woman.

They didn’t plan it.  It just happened.

There was something innately missing in their primary relationship and the other woman comes along and possesses the spirit and personality required to evoke feelings of love and attraction within the man that may no longer exist with his wife or significant other.

Sometimes the man does not even realize that his marriage is lacking until he meets this other woman.

How do you know if this is the case with your affair?

Absent the fact that he is married or committed elsewhere, your relationship is caring and passionate.  He is attentive to you and your needs, he makes time with you, and he spends time with you doing a lot of things besides the horizontal bop.  He will tell you straight out that he is going to leave his marriage and he will tell you when, but the most important thing is that when the time comes HE DOES IT.

Affairs of the heart are complex and complicated, much more so than affairs of the body alone.  When the heart is involved, the intensity is there, the sharing is there and the man and the woman are both there.

It is a myth that all loves that begin while one partner or another or both are committed elsewhere are doomed to failure. There is no blanket formula for love affairs that begin with cheating.  If it were true, when some say that “men never marry the woman they cheated with their first wife on”, there would be very few second marriages indeed.

I look at it this way.  Back in the olden days, when people truly expected to be married for life, people married very young but their life expectancy was much shorter than what it is today.

It is also a fact that as technology provides the human race with more and more leisure time and less time required to focus on utter survival, we have more time to examine relationships, to choose to renew or end or begin again.  People grow at different paces.

If two people marry in their late twenties, will those two people grow at the same pace and in the same direction?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no, we are not the same person at forty-five that we were at twenty-five or thirty-five, and neither are our spouses and lovers.  The person we loved ten years ago may have evolved (or failed to evolve) into someone we no longer want for a life mate, and so we move on.

Of course, it is always best to begin a relationship one-on-one, but there are times when this just doesn’t happen.  We can’t judge a book by its’ cover, nor can we project that a relationship is doomed to failure because of a less-than-perfect beginning.  In the same vein, we can’t project that a relationship will last because of love and passion, that goes for first marriages and relationships just as much as it does for subsequent ones.

Why do people cheat?

The list is endless.  This is just the tip of the iceberg and the most frequent causes that I have seen in my personal and professional experience.

Copyright © 2007

Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

 Other Subjects Included in "The Dating Game"

Cheating and Affairs

The Relationship Limbo

The Geometry of Relationships

Masculine and Feminine Energy

Codependence, Independence and Interdependence

He Left His Wife.  Now What?

Need Help Sorting Out Your Relationship Concerns?

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The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop

Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.

Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop