A running diary of strange, mostly silly, and random thoughts. I think everyone should have one. I've privately kept one for years. Now I'm writing one for public consumption because I'm fearless like that.
February 10th, 2014:
Reality Check!
That moment of clarity where you look at yourself in the mirror, see what other people see when they look at you, and you go, "wow, I am SO not sexy in the morning! Do I always have that sneer on my face right after I wake up??"
January 8th, 2014:
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
So I have this black tea with honey and lemon blended in that I love.
Well, I'm out of it at the moment and I was jonesin' for some. I had plain black tea in the cabinet but no lemon juice in the fridge (I'd used it all up last week doing laundry) and no honey.
So, no lemon and no honey to flavor the plain boring tea with. However....as I was perusing the contents of my fridge (why do people do that as a way to think??), my eyes hit on an industrial sized bag of Honey-Lemon Cough Drops in the vegetable bin!
Heyyyyyy.....
Yes, yes I did. I made a nice cup of hot tea and dropped a honey-lemon cough drop in.
Not to bad, I must say.
January 7th, 2014:
Sometimes, details are important!
A person I know has a boil. On their butt. Right, smack-dab, in the middle of their nicely rounded boo-tay. So, this person told me about it a few days ago. I told them of a home remedy--not necessarily a holistic remedy--to cure it.
Today, I get a phone call from this much-loved space-cadet person & the convo goes like this:
Them: Guess what?
Me: What?
Them: I got a piece of HAM on my ass!
Confused Me: Why do you have a piece of ham on your ass?
Them: The BOIL, silly! You told me--
Eye-Rolling Me: Dude. I said nothing about ham. I said bacon fat and I said salt on bacon fat.
Them: I thought you said pepper. And ham and bacon are both pork, so I thought it'd work.
Amused Me: No. (pause for chuckle). You want the bacon FAT, NOT the MEAT! And I said SALT! (pause for much laughter). Is your ass burning?
Them: God, YES!!!!!
*More laughter from both of us*
November 25th, 2013:
Free Your Mind
To color outside the lines is to open the mind; to see all of the possibilities man has not yet warped with his limited views and corralled definitions.
{Ha! Sounds likes something Confucius would say, huh? Well I just made that up! Who's Awesome? I AM! (lol @ myself...)}
November 24th, 2013:
Good Times, Man!
Soooo...I talked to my ex yesterday. Somehow, we got on the subject of how I kept him on his toes with what he calls "all of the crazy stuff" I did when he & I were together.
So I said, "like what?" (Mistake)
He had a laundry list of "incidents" including a time when we'd temporarily broken up and I made up a test for him to take to help me decide whether or not I would agree to get back together with him.
"What's so wrong with that?" I asked.
His answer, "Babe. You made me take a 26 question, multiple choice quiz! A quiz you wrote! Then you made me wait a week to see if I'd passed the damn thing! Who does that?!"
"Who does which part? The quiz or the wait? Cause in college--"
"Babe. Focus. NO ONE does any of it!"
"Well you're the dummy who took the test!"
"You wouldn't talk to me until I did!"
Then my ADD kicked in, "hey, speaking of dummies, remember when I seat-belted that blow-up doll in your car for a week as punishment for bailing on me to go out with the guys?"
Ah, good times, man. Shocking that he's still relatively sane with no noticeable twitches or anything.
Someday I'm going to write a book or blog about all of the things I did to that man--including the things he doesn't know about! I just have to wait a few more years till the statute of limitations is up; just for a few little things.
November 23rd, 2013:
Don't You Be-lieve it!
There's an old song called "Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine..."
They lied, man.
November 22nd, 2013:
Where does the time go?
Wow. Am I falling down on the job of posting here or what?! Ever had one of those days where the day was just straight up chaotic? Where time just seemed to fly by and at the end of the day, you're laying in bed thinking about how busy you were but you somehow managed not to get anything on your to-do list done?
Yeah, I'm having one of those years.
October 21st, 2013:
Let's Get This Party Started!
Well, hallo there, Mercury Retrograde, my old BFF. So good to see you again! Oh, look! You've brought Chaos, Confusion, Repeat, Miscommunication and Frustration with you! Well, Yay!!! Now it's a party!
And here I was worried it was going to be a boring month...
October 11th, 2013:
Equality.
Until you can give it--regardless of your personal preferences--you will not receive it.
Support equality. You'll be glad you did.
September 8th, 2013:
Never Be Ashamed
Life is too short to spend it hiding in the dark. Whoever you are, whatever you choose, never let the opinions of others--or the fear of others' opinions--make you feel ashamed. It's your life. So, Live It!
August 28th, 2013:
Crazy Women
Behind every woman you think is crazy, there's a man who made her that way.
Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, you will find this statement is true.
Show some compassion--not judgement and criticism--because you could be next.
August 27th, 2013:
The Bathroom Zone
You know those alarm sensors security companies put on the windows and door of peoples homes? My cat seems to have an invisible one hidden somewhere on the frame of the bathroom door.
Every. Single. Time. I go through the doorway into the bathroom, my cat--no matter where she happens to have been in the house--shows up and sits her happy ass down in the middle of the doorway. When I leave the bathroom, she goes back to wherever she'd been and whatever important thing she'd been doing before I'd entered the Bathroom Zone.
I haven't figured out yet if she thinks she's keeping other people out, or, if she's keeping me from disappearing into an alternate universe through the secret doorway in the shower.
August 26th, 2013:
Princess VS. Reality (Princess is winning):
My sister--I lovingly call her Princess--called me today to tell me what a horrible day she was having.
Sis said it started with her waking up late because her friend didn't call her early enough. When I asked her what she was talking about, Sis went on to explain that she was supposed to have dropped her SUV off at 8:00 a.m. to be detailed. The friend, Christine, who was going to be giving her a ride from the detail shop was supposed to have called my sister this morning with a wake up call so that Sis would have time to wake up and be on time to the shop. Sis said, "she called me at 740! I didn't even have time to have coffee! (oh, thehorror!)
Princess was seriously put out with Christine! She went on to say that "Christine just doesn't think sometimes, you know?"
So, me being me, I chuckled and asked Princess why she was blaming Christine. And, I asked, why hadn't she just set her own alarm to wake up early enough for the hour-long IV drip of caffeine that she needs prior to being coherent.
Princess Sissy paused and then, in an accusatory tone said, "You know, I just want a little sympathy right now. Can you just give me that, please? Why do you always have to bring reality into it?!"
So then I paused before replying, "Sooo...what you're saying is that you want me to just listen, be on your side even though you're in the wrong, and not bring reality into it?"
Princess immediately replied, "Yes, that's it."
"Cool. You should have just said that's what you wanted. Carry on." I said.
Princess Sissy didn't miss a beat: "Okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about my professor. He is such an asshole! He actually had the nerve to give me a 'D' just because I overslept yesterday and missed the test! He refuses to let me make it up. Can you believe him?!"
"No. What a pig!" I said.
"I know, right? He..."
(...and on and on she went!).
My sister, man. My oldersister. I love her to death but she worries me sometimes. But she's just so darned cute!!!
August 25th, 2013:
Headaches Migrate
Ma called me and wanted me to chauffeur her around for the day for her errands and shopping.
I told her I couldn’t because I had a really bad headache.
Ma the Hypochondriac then remarks, “you sure have had a lot of headaches lately. Maybe you need to go to the doctor!”
“No, Ma," I said, "I don’t need a doctor. I just need to stay where I’m at, stay still, and it will go away.”
Ma then says, “But honey...you have been getting them a lot! Don’t you think that means something?!”
In a dry tone of voice I said, “Yeah, Ma. It means the pain in my ass has migrated to my brain.”
Ma paused to think about my answer and then said, “You’re talking about me, aren’t you. That’s not funny.”
August 23rd, 2013:
Hard To Find Good Friends
I talked to an old friend yesterday that I haven’t spoken to in several years. At one point she said, “I miss you!! There’s no one around me like you!”
I replied with, “Yeah, that’s because when you came up with crazy plots and ideas I’d say, ‘what are you, psycho?! I’m driving. Are we taking your car or mine?’ ”
August 12th, 2013:
Gimmicks crack me UP!
So I’m browsing the rough stones on one of those auction sites (I have a serious addiction to rocks & stones). I see the header for a piece of amber that says “ANCIENT AMBER!”
Come on, really? Dude. It’s amber. Of course it’s ancient.
August 7th, 2013:
True Poetry
This was written by a man wrestling his personal demons:
I'm drowning in the bottom of a bottle.
Running from a man I swore I'd never be!
No one ever has to face tomorrow.
But I'm the one that has to face me.
It's the demons I've created for myself.
The tragic truth.
It's hard for me to understand myself.
So it has to be hard as hell for you!
Are we born to be broken? Sinners and thieves?
Someone tell the heavens I'm ready to escape!
This is not what I wanted; not what I need!
Take it all, tear it all, rip it all away!
I can't say the Devil made me do it.
I chose to be the one I am, the way I am today.
I wish there was but there's no way around it.
In the end I made the choice and will not die ashamed.
It's the voices screaming in my head.
It's the tragic truth.
(end)
I think this is beautiful. It is emotional, heavy and serious, but nonetheless beautiful.
The author's self-reflection and the acknowledgement of his faults, regrets, and demons he continues to wrestle just...tug at my heart. I know people like him and that causes even more of a tight feeling in my chest.
Now. Most people would never hear--or read--this particular poem. Why? Because this is part of a song and, because of the type of music the author sings.
The words are even more poignant when you listen to them.
If you're interested in checking it out, here's a link to just the song and lyrics: The Tragic Truth
** I smile as I end this diary entry because I think some people who choose to follow the link will be shocked at the disparity between the words they read and the author's musical genre. (Always happy to broaden someone's horizon. You're welcome![]()
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July 30th, 2013:
Isn't it Ironic
In looking for a mechanic to work on my car, one of the shops in the Yellow Pages had a slogan of "We Can Fix Anything!"
I was like, "Alright! That's the mechanic for ME!"
I drive to the shop and sure enough, the aforementioned slogan is in huge, bold letters across the top of the front of their shop. However...behind the shop is a huge, honkin' graveyard. Of cars.
I decided my car didn't need to be fixed that bad.
July 28th, 2013:
Groooooooovin'...on a Sunday afternoon♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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July 26th, 2013:
Life's Little Reminders
Nothing like repeated power outages to remind you of just how much your convenient, comfortable life depends upon electricity!
July 19th, 2013:
Know Pain, Know Gain
You know you've had a good work out when...the following day, every time you go to sit down, your butt and thighs scream in pain.
Instead of sitting down in one fluid motion, you get about halfway down and then fall the rest of the way into your seat while doing that pained, huffing laugh you just can't seem to contain.
July 17th, 2013:
Confusing the Masses, One Person At A Time...
It's been a while since this happened, but I got called a "white devil" today.
Apparently, the timing of my walking by a man preaching on a street corner played right into his sermon because he pointed at me and yelled, "and YOU WHITE DEVILS--"
I stopped, pointed at my skin & said, "No, brother, TAN. TAN devil. See? Brown." Then I pointed to his pamphlet & asked, "Wha'cha got in there for me on tan or brown devils?"
The street-preacher tilted his head and screwed up his face in confusion but I didn't get to hear his reply. The friend I was with grabbed my arm, pulled me away and said, "you just live to cause controversy and confuse people, don't you!"
Well, yeah!
July 6th, 2013:
Conundrums, Conundrums
When a person who knows I'm psychic tries to scam me or lie to me.
It doesn't happen often and I rarely address their attempt. I know they know that I know, or, at least they suspect I know. Out of personal curiosity I want to ask them if they realize they've just caused bad things to happen for them, but I never do.
It is puzzling--and sometimes funny--though, all the same.
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July 5th, 2013:
Channeling Kathy Bates
Fireworks that sound like grenades, RPG's and 50 cal's were going off at the lake house next door. It sounded like they were within yards or feet of my house.
I look outside to see a bunch of teenagers (visitors of the neighbor, I guess) shooting off fireworks. Some of the rocket-style thingys were arching toward my lake house. Being that it's a family lake house & was kind of expensive to build, I didn't think Ma would appreciate having it burn to the ground via teenaged thoughtlessness.
I walked my happy butt over to the teens and asked if they could launch their missles in another direction, like, say toward the lake, maybe (God forbid! We might catch the water on fire!!!).
The teen who lived there apologized. A couple of others grumbled, "come on! It's the Fourth of July!" (like I'm some kind of Scrooge for not wanting my house to catch fire).
As I was walking away, one of the kids said, "hope you have good house insurance!"
Now, see, I would've been in the wrong if I'd punched that kid in the face, broke his nose & said, "hope your parents have good medical insurance!"
But I reallllllly wanted to. Unfortunately, it'll have to remain a fantasy. Unless my house catches on fire. Then it's on.
June 26th, 2013:
I should be above this type of behavior
Me, my sister, two of her friends, three bottles of empty Chianti. Sister says, "I'll bet you I can do a better job of cutting your hair than you can of cutting mine!"
Drunk, dumbass me: "No you can't."
Drunk, scheming sister: "Wanna bet?"
Me: "Sure!"
One would think that, at forty-some years of age, I'd be smart enough to not accept any drunken challenges. Unfortunately, the loss of about nine inches of hair on oneside of my head, and ten or eleven inches of hair on the other side of my head proves differently.
At least there are no bald spots this time.
June 20th, 2013:
Good book!
You know the book you're writing is going to be good when...you're thinking about different books you've read, you think of this one particular book's plot & characters and think, "Hey, I wonder what happens in that book? I need to finish reading it."
And then, directly on the heels of the aforementioned thought you think, "Oh, wait. I'm writing that book..."
June 12th, 2013:
I'm becoming my mother!
I've always said I'd never do it. I've always said I'd never find "old lady" clothes appealing. Well, now I've gone and done it. I bought a neon red tank top with big, huge, honkin' sparkly neon green flowers on the front of it.
I always looked at those type of shirts as being "old lady" shirts but I saw this one, loved it and just had to have it. What does that mean?!?! Is it happening? Am I becoming my mother?! Oh. My. Gawd!!!
May 24th, 2013:
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
So I was driving and saw this cute little turtle crossing the road. I felt bad for the poor baby because it was so darned hot outside and, from my estimation, he was about three miles away from his goal of getting to the lake.
As hot as it was outside, I figured he must have gotten turned around somehow & ended up traveling away from the lake. So I decided I'd help the turtle reach his goal.
After chasing after the lil sucker (he tried to run from me!), I loaded him in the SUV & drove to the boat landing to set him free in the water.
I trotted my happy ass down the concrete boat launch ramp. Just as I'd made it two steps into the water, I slipped on the green slime attached to the concrete of the launch area. The green slime is the consistency of snot! (Who knew?)
My feet went out from under me and I landed with a huge *splat* into the water; hip deep in water, onto my ass. Unfortunately, the turtle I had "rescued" also flew from my hand. He landed just outside of the water line and he was trying to run in the opposite direction of the water!
I picked myself up out of the green slime, almost fell again trying to gain my footing, finally got to slime-less concrete and ran after my poor turtle.
I couldn't figure out why he was running away from the water. Must have heat stroke, I thought.
I carefully made my way to the edge of the slime and pushed Mr. Turtle into the water. He got out of the water and started trying to walk in the opposite direction! I felt so bad for him--he was so overwhelmed by heat stoke that he didn't realize he was HOME!
I picked him up and nudge him back in the water. He tried to go the opposite direction again! I did this a couple more times until I finally got the bright idea that maybe he needed to be submerged in water to cool off and realize he was home at last.
So, I put him in deeper water & held him under. Bubbles started coming up from him and his shell.
As I was wondering if this was normal or not, I heard, "Hey youngin', whaddurya doin'?"
I look over to see an Octogenarian sitting on the rocks near the boat launch. I told him I was trying to set the turtle free in the water but the turtle wasn't cooperating.
Mr. Octogenarian smiled and then told me, "That's because he's a land turtle. He don't live in water." He also told me that if I kept doing what I was doing, I may just drown the turtle. He said to take the turtle back to where I found him.
Here I'd been feeling SO good about myself for doing a good deed by helping a lost turtle with heat stroke and come to find out, I'd actually kidnapped a land turtle from his home and then--from the turtle's point of view--attempted to murder him!
Land turtles. Who knew there was such a thing? Not to excuse myself, but "land" and "turtle" just doesn't sound natural to my Floridian mind!
So I took Mr. Turtle back to the--approximate--area I'd found him and took my bruised ego and bruised ass on my merry way.
I now think twice before I decide I'm going to do a good deed....
May 22nd, 2013:
Hello? Karma Calling!
The Me, Me, Me, Me-First Disease is out of control.
People attempting to shove others out of the way to gain maximum attention. People attempting to throw others under the bus to make themselves look like the better choice. People attempting to overwhelm others with how awesome they are. These type of people really do not seem to care about anyone but themselves and see nothing wrong with pushing, shoving, and screaming their way to the front of some imaginary line.
That's all just so very weird to me. Cause, first, I'm like, don't the Attention Hogs know these tactics do not work? Second, the more you tell people how awesome you are, the less they believe it. And, third, I'm like, Hal-LOOooooo....Karma can't be fooled, heifers! I mean, really. She will be calling upon you to give back to you what you put out to others!!! Duh!
May 21st, 2013:
Etiquette for Gold Digging!
I'm almost positive this subject should be in the driver's handbook for every state: Picking one's nose is not an approved activity while driving! Doing so is akin to texting while driving. So why isn't this subject addressed in handbooks and on public safety billboards?!
Your gold digging should be done somewhere private; preferably where there are four walls and some kleenex! Much as you would like to think so, your car is not private!
To those who dig and flick?! You uncouth toadies make me wonder just how many of those bug corpses on my windshield are really bug corpses!
And I seriously don't like having to think about that!
May 20th, 2013:
Innocent mistake or premeditated intent?
Ma uses Sweet-n-low, I like Splenda but use her sweetner when I'm at her house. For a couple weeks, Ma's mentioned several times that she'd found some Splenda for me and why hadn't I used it yet?
Yesterday, I finally decided to use her splenda packets so she'd stop mentioning them.
I made myself a glass of iced tea, using her "Splenda" and proceeded to chug back a huge swallow.
Wait. Stop. W.T.F.?!?!
The tea tastes like SALT and something chemical-ey. "MAaaaaaa!!! WTF?! That was not Splenda!"
I dig the 'splenda' packets out of the trash. I don't have my glasses on, so I can't read the package. I hand them to Ma.
She looks at the packets for me and in this oh-so-innocent voice says, "I thought it was Splenda."
"Well, what is it?" I ask.
Ma's staring at me with these big blue innocent eyes of hers; like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "It says 'Nasaline.' Oops?"
Personally, I think she was either trying to kill me or, at the very least, incapacitate me for a few weeks until it was time to work in the yard again.
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May 18th, 2013:
"Beware of the big blue innocent eyes"
I started weeding one of my mom's many landscaped gardens. Ma sees me in this particular garden and hurries over to point out a poison ivy plant. She says that it is "her" plant and not to pull it out.
I ask her what she's keeping--and nurturing--a poison ivy plant for. Rather than answer, Ma starts pointing out the different flora & fauna she has in that particular round garden.
I didn't realize until later that she never answered me and, she quite possibly used a distraction technique on me to avoid answering.
Now, my mom is this petite little thing with big blue eyes, and looks and acts like a June Cleaver-meets-Martha Stewart. So what evil intent does she hide behind that innocent façade of hers...?
May 17th, 2013:
"You are not Funny!"
So. My mom & stepdad were bickering with each other (as they do) when my mom put her fingertips to her temples and said, "oh! I suddenly have this sharp pain right here!"
I popped out with, "that's called your last nerve."
Now, see, I thought that was funny. Stepdad thought it was funny. Mom? Not funny. I am SO funny! Dang it!
May 15th, 2013:
The subconscious mind is an amazing thing: Ma's having some work done around her place. One of the seriously hawt guys doing the work is named Margarito. Ma accidentally called him "Mojito" three. Separate. TIMES. Before she finally turned to me and said, "Hey, you want to go to Jose Peppers for dinner?"
Guess Ma had been jonesing for a mojito, or three.
May 13th, 2013:
Wondering how ill-mannered, uncouth, and / or déclassé it is to take your mom shopping for Mother's Day andend up buying something for yourself, instead...? I mean, I found a very cool statue that I just had to have but Ma didn't want anything so I'm wondering just how bad of a daughter does this make me?
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PS: Isn't She COOL?!?!
May 10th, 2013: If I tell you I love you, it does not mean that you own me. Loving you does not mean I have to stay with you or stay where you are. Nor, does it mean I stop loving you when I leave; I take the love with me.
May 3rd, 2013:
Dear Slow Drivers of America: You are 85% of the reason for Road Rage and 50% of the reason for car accidents! I don't have a problem with you driving slowly. Really. But could you possibly do it in the outside lane!!! The inside, passing lane is called the PASSING LANE because it's for the cars behind you to PASS your slow-driving butt!
PS: When you're driving slowly in the PASSING LANE,and acting like you don't see the cars behind you or beside you? We KNOW you see us!
April 28th, 2013:
Note to self: When completing a phone call with a rude customer service rep, make SURE you have pushed the "end" button on your phone before talking shit about said rude bitch; especially when she is the deciding vote of whether you get what you want or not!
April 21st, 2013:
I absolutely love men, I really do. I just don't believe women should have to breast feed them after they graduate from college.
April 20th, 2013:
Warning to All Thieves: Attempt to steal my dreams and I will stab you. Hard. With a number two pencil. So that it hurts. Very, very badly.
April 19th, 2013:
If I were a butterfly, I'd probably look like every other butterfly until...I spread my wings! Oh, the rare and beautiful color of my wings!
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April 17th, 2013:
Explanation of Thunder & Lightning to a four year old: Thunder is one of the ways God talks to us and the lightning comes first as His way of saying, "Hey, pay attention, I'm getting ready to speak here!"
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April 16th, 2013:
Kidney Stones. The closest God could come to making men know what it feels like for a woman to give birth.
Score one for Team God!
April 15th, 2013:
Dear Dog Owners of Tiny Dogs: I think your dogs are simply adorableuntil... you are at the table next to me in a restaurant and pull them out of your purse to eat and drink from your glass and plate. I'm almost positive you'd have a problem with me if I did the same thing with my 110 lb American Bulldog.
April 12th, 2013
Weird how no one seems to be as sympathetic to you when you're injured as they would expect you to be if they were injured.
Note to self: Buy mom a book detailing the emancipation of slavery in the US. Also buy a law book and highlight the areas showing where slavery is now illegal.
April 10th, 2013
New reason to shave cat bald.
A few days ago when I was walking down the hallway she ran in front of me and just stopped. I tripped over her and hurt my back. Then today, I was trying to "gingerly" walk down some steps so I didn't re-injure my back and ended up falling down and twisting my ankle. So the ankle is her fault, too.
That lil heifer is going down!
April 9th, 2013
Why do some women wear a coat and furry, warm boots with shorts or mini-skirts when it's cold outside? I mean, really. What goes through their minds?!
April 4th, 2013
If I have to explain to my cat who it is that's in charge around here just one more damn time, I'm taking the clippers and shaving her ass bald. Bald, I say! BALD!
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February 10th, 2014:
Reality Check!
That moment of clarity where you look at yourself in the mirror, see what other people see when they look at you, and you go, "wow, I am SO not sexy in the morning! Do I always have that sneer on my face right after I wake up??"
January 8th, 2014:
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
So I have this black tea with honey and lemon blended in that I love.
Well, I'm out of it at the moment and I was jonesin' for some. I had plain black tea in the cabinet but no lemon juice in the fridge (I'd used it all up last week doing laundry) and no honey.
So, no lemon and no honey to flavor the plain boring tea with. However....as I was perusing the contents of my fridge (why do people do that as a way to think??), my eyes hit on an industrial sized bag of Honey-Lemon Cough Drops in the vegetable bin!
Heyyyyyy.....
Yes, yes I did. I made a nice cup of hot tea and dropped a honey-lemon cough drop in.
Not to bad, I must say.
January 7th, 2014:
Sometimes, details are important!
A person I know has a boil. On their butt. Right, smack-dab, in the middle of their nicely rounded boo-tay. So, this person told me about it a few days ago. I told them of a home remedy--not necessarily a holistic remedy--to cure it.
Today, I get a phone call from this much-loved space-cadet person & the convo goes like this:
Them: Guess what?
Me: What?
Them: I got a piece of HAM on my ass!
Confused Me: Why do you have a piece of ham on your ass?
Them: The BOIL, silly! You told me--
Eye-Rolling Me: Dude. I said nothing about ham. I said bacon fat and I said salt on bacon fat.
Them: I thought you said pepper. And ham and bacon are both pork, so I thought it'd work.
Amused Me: No. (pause for chuckle). You want the bacon FAT, NOT the MEAT! And I said SALT! (pause for much laughter). Is your ass burning?
Them: God, YES!!!!!
*More laughter from both of us*
November 25th, 2013:
Free Your Mind
To color outside the lines is to open the mind; to see all of the possibilities man has not yet warped with his limited views and corralled definitions.
{Ha! Sounds likes something Confucius would say, huh? Well I just made that up! Who's Awesome? I AM! (lol @ myself...)}
November 24th, 2013:
Good Times, Man!
Soooo...I talked to my ex yesterday. Somehow, we got on the subject of how I kept him on his toes with what he calls "all of the crazy stuff" I did when he & I were together.
So I said, "like what?" (Mistake)
He had a laundry list of "incidents" including a time when we'd temporarily broken up and I made up a test for him to take to help me decide whether or not I would agree to get back together with him.
"What's so wrong with that?" I asked.
His answer, "Babe. You made me take a 26 question, multiple choice quiz! A quiz you wrote! Then you made me wait a week to see if I'd passed the damn thing! Who does that?!"
"Who does which part? The quiz or the wait? Cause in college--"
"Babe. Focus. NO ONE does any of it!"
"Well you're the dummy who took the test!"
"You wouldn't talk to me until I did!"
Then my ADD kicked in, "hey, speaking of dummies, remember when I seat-belted that blow-up doll in your car for a week as punishment for bailing on me to go out with the guys?"
Ah, good times, man. Shocking that he's still relatively sane with no noticeable twitches or anything.
Someday I'm going to write a book or blog about all of the things I did to that man--including the things he doesn't know about! I just have to wait a few more years till the statute of limitations is up; just for a few little things.
November 23rd, 2013:
Don't You Be-lieve it!
There's an old song called "Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine..."
They lied, man.
November 22nd, 2013:
Where does the time go?
Wow. Am I falling down on the job of posting here or what?! Ever had one of those days where the day was just straight up chaotic? Where time just seemed to fly by and at the end of the day, you're laying in bed thinking about how busy you were but you somehow managed not to get anything on your to-do list done?
Yeah, I'm having one of those years.
October 21st, 2013:
Let's Get This Party Started!
Well, hallo there, Mercury Retrograde, my old BFF. So good to see you again! Oh, look! You've brought Chaos, Confusion, Repeat, Miscommunication and Frustration with you! Well, Yay!!! Now it's a party!
And here I was worried it was going to be a boring month...
October 11th, 2013:
Equality.
Until you can give it--regardless of your personal preferences--you will not receive it.
Support equality. You'll be glad you did.
September 8th, 2013:
Never Be Ashamed
Life is too short to spend it hiding in the dark. Whoever you are, whatever you choose, never let the opinions of others--or the fear of others' opinions--make you feel ashamed. It's your life. So, Live It!
August 28th, 2013:
Crazy Women
Behind every woman you think is crazy, there's a man who made her that way.
Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, you will find this statement is true.
Show some compassion--not judgement and criticism--because you could be next.
August 27th, 2013:
The Bathroom Zone
You know those alarm sensors security companies put on the windows and door of peoples homes? My cat seems to have an invisible one hidden somewhere on the frame of the bathroom door.
Every. Single. Time. I go through the doorway into the bathroom, my cat--no matter where she happens to have been in the house--shows up and sits her happy ass down in the middle of the doorway. When I leave the bathroom, she goes back to wherever she'd been and whatever important thing she'd been doing before I'd entered the Bathroom Zone.
I haven't figured out yet if she thinks she's keeping other people out, or, if she's keeping me from disappearing into an alternate universe through the secret doorway in the shower.
August 26th, 2013:
Princess VS. Reality (Princess is winning):
My sister--I lovingly call her Princess--called me today to tell me what a horrible day she was having.
Sis said it started with her waking up late because her friend didn't call her early enough. When I asked her what she was talking about, Sis went on to explain that she was supposed to have dropped her SUV off at 8:00 a.m. to be detailed. The friend, Christine, who was going to be giving her a ride from the detail shop was supposed to have called my sister this morning with a wake up call so that Sis would have time to wake up and be on time to the shop. Sis said, "she called me at 740! I didn't even have time to have coffee! (oh, thehorror!)
Princess was seriously put out with Christine! She went on to say that "Christine just doesn't think sometimes, you know?"
So, me being me, I chuckled and asked Princess why she was blaming Christine. And, I asked, why hadn't she just set her own alarm to wake up early enough for the hour-long IV drip of caffeine that she needs prior to being coherent.
Princess Sissy paused and then, in an accusatory tone said, "You know, I just want a little sympathy right now. Can you just give me that, please? Why do you always have to bring reality into it?!"
So then I paused before replying, "Sooo...what you're saying is that you want me to just listen, be on your side even though you're in the wrong, and not bring reality into it?"
Princess immediately replied, "Yes, that's it."
"Cool. You should have just said that's what you wanted. Carry on." I said.
Princess Sissy didn't miss a beat: "Okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about my professor. He is such an asshole! He actually had the nerve to give me a 'D' just because I overslept yesterday and missed the test! He refuses to let me make it up. Can you believe him?!"
"No. What a pig!" I said.
"I know, right? He..."
(...and on and on she went!).
My sister, man. My oldersister. I love her to death but she worries me sometimes. But she's just so darned cute!!!
August 25th, 2013:
Headaches Migrate
Ma called me and wanted me to chauffeur her around for the day for her errands and shopping.
I told her I couldn’t because I had a really bad headache.
Ma the Hypochondriac then remarks, “you sure have had a lot of headaches lately. Maybe you need to go to the doctor!”
“No, Ma," I said, "I don’t need a doctor. I just need to stay where I’m at, stay still, and it will go away.”
Ma then says, “But honey...you have been getting them a lot! Don’t you think that means something?!”
In a dry tone of voice I said, “Yeah, Ma. It means the pain in my ass has migrated to my brain.”
Ma paused to think about my answer and then said, “You’re talking about me, aren’t you. That’s not funny.”
August 23rd, 2013:
Hard To Find Good Friends
I talked to an old friend yesterday that I haven’t spoken to in several years. At one point she said, “I miss you!! There’s no one around me like you!”
I replied with, “Yeah, that’s because when you came up with crazy plots and ideas I’d say, ‘what are you, psycho?! I’m driving. Are we taking your car or mine?’ ”
August 12th, 2013:
Gimmicks crack me UP!
So I’m browsing the rough stones on one of those auction sites (I have a serious addiction to rocks & stones). I see the header for a piece of amber that says “ANCIENT AMBER!”
Come on, really? Dude. It’s amber. Of course it’s ancient.
August 7th, 2013:
True Poetry
This was written by a man wrestling his personal demons:
I'm drowning in the bottom of a bottle.
Running from a man I swore I'd never be!
No one ever has to face tomorrow.
But I'm the one that has to face me.
It's the demons I've created for myself.
The tragic truth.
It's hard for me to understand myself.
So it has to be hard as hell for you!
Are we born to be broken? Sinners and thieves?
Someone tell the heavens I'm ready to escape!
This is not what I wanted; not what I need!
Take it all, tear it all, rip it all away!
I can't say the Devil made me do it.
I chose to be the one I am, the way I am today.
I wish there was but there's no way around it.
In the end I made the choice and will not die ashamed.
It's the voices screaming in my head.
It's the tragic truth.
(end)
I think this is beautiful. It is emotional, heavy and serious, but nonetheless beautiful.
The author's self-reflection and the acknowledgement of his faults, regrets, and demons he continues to wrestle just...tug at my heart. I know people like him and that causes even more of a tight feeling in my chest.
Now. Most people would never hear--or read--this particular poem. Why? Because this is part of a song and, because of the type of music the author sings.
The words are even more poignant when you listen to them.
If you're interested in checking it out, here's a link to just the song and lyrics: The Tragic Truth
** I smile as I end this diary entry because I think some people who choose to follow the link will be shocked at the disparity between the words they read and the author's musical genre. (Always happy to broaden someone's horizon. You're welcome
)July 30th, 2013:
Isn't it Ironic
In looking for a mechanic to work on my car, one of the shops in the Yellow Pages had a slogan of "We Can Fix Anything!"
I was like, "Alright! That's the mechanic for ME!"
I drive to the shop and sure enough, the aforementioned slogan is in huge, bold letters across the top of the front of their shop. However...behind the shop is a huge, honkin' graveyard. Of cars.
I decided my car didn't need to be fixed that bad.
July 28th, 2013:
Groooooooovin'...on a Sunday afternoon♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
July 26th, 2013:
Life's Little Reminders
Nothing like repeated power outages to remind you of just how much your convenient, comfortable life depends upon electricity!
July 19th, 2013:
Know Pain, Know Gain
You know you've had a good work out when...the following day, every time you go to sit down, your butt and thighs scream in pain.
Instead of sitting down in one fluid motion, you get about halfway down and then fall the rest of the way into your seat while doing that pained, huffing laugh you just can't seem to contain.
July 17th, 2013:
Confusing the Masses, One Person At A Time...
It's been a while since this happened, but I got called a "white devil" today.
Apparently, the timing of my walking by a man preaching on a street corner played right into his sermon because he pointed at me and yelled, "and YOU WHITE DEVILS--"
I stopped, pointed at my skin & said, "No, brother, TAN. TAN devil. See? Brown." Then I pointed to his pamphlet & asked, "Wha'cha got in there for me on tan or brown devils?"
The street-preacher tilted his head and screwed up his face in confusion but I didn't get to hear his reply. The friend I was with grabbed my arm, pulled me away and said, "you just live to cause controversy and confuse people, don't you!"
Well, yeah!
July 6th, 2013:
Conundrums, Conundrums
When a person who knows I'm psychic tries to scam me or lie to me.
It doesn't happen often and I rarely address their attempt. I know they know that I know, or, at least they suspect I know. Out of personal curiosity I want to ask them if they realize they've just caused bad things to happen for them, but I never do.
It is puzzling--and sometimes funny--though, all the same.
July 5th, 2013:
Channeling Kathy Bates
Fireworks that sound like grenades, RPG's and 50 cal's were going off at the lake house next door. It sounded like they were within yards or feet of my house.
I look outside to see a bunch of teenagers (visitors of the neighbor, I guess) shooting off fireworks. Some of the rocket-style thingys were arching toward my lake house. Being that it's a family lake house & was kind of expensive to build, I didn't think Ma would appreciate having it burn to the ground via teenaged thoughtlessness.
I walked my happy butt over to the teens and asked if they could launch their missles in another direction, like, say toward the lake, maybe (God forbid! We might catch the water on fire!!!).
The teen who lived there apologized. A couple of others grumbled, "come on! It's the Fourth of July!" (like I'm some kind of Scrooge for not wanting my house to catch fire).
As I was walking away, one of the kids said, "hope you have good house insurance!"
Now, see, I would've been in the wrong if I'd punched that kid in the face, broke his nose & said, "hope your parents have good medical insurance!"
But I reallllllly wanted to. Unfortunately, it'll have to remain a fantasy. Unless my house catches on fire. Then it's on.
June 26th, 2013:
I should be above this type of behavior
Me, my sister, two of her friends, three bottles of empty Chianti. Sister says, "I'll bet you I can do a better job of cutting your hair than you can of cutting mine!"
Drunk, dumbass me: "No you can't."
Drunk, scheming sister: "Wanna bet?"
Me: "Sure!"
One would think that, at forty-some years of age, I'd be smart enough to not accept any drunken challenges. Unfortunately, the loss of about nine inches of hair on oneside of my head, and ten or eleven inches of hair on the other side of my head proves differently.
At least there are no bald spots this time.
June 20th, 2013:
Good book!
You know the book you're writing is going to be good when...you're thinking about different books you've read, you think of this one particular book's plot & characters and think, "Hey, I wonder what happens in that book? I need to finish reading it."
And then, directly on the heels of the aforementioned thought you think, "Oh, wait. I'm writing that book..."
June 12th, 2013:
I'm becoming my mother!
I've always said I'd never do it. I've always said I'd never find "old lady" clothes appealing. Well, now I've gone and done it. I bought a neon red tank top with big, huge, honkin' sparkly neon green flowers on the front of it.
I always looked at those type of shirts as being "old lady" shirts but I saw this one, loved it and just had to have it. What does that mean?!?! Is it happening? Am I becoming my mother?! Oh. My. Gawd!!!
May 24th, 2013:
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
So I was driving and saw this cute little turtle crossing the road. I felt bad for the poor baby because it was so darned hot outside and, from my estimation, he was about three miles away from his goal of getting to the lake.
As hot as it was outside, I figured he must have gotten turned around somehow & ended up traveling away from the lake. So I decided I'd help the turtle reach his goal.
After chasing after the lil sucker (he tried to run from me!), I loaded him in the SUV & drove to the boat landing to set him free in the water.
I trotted my happy ass down the concrete boat launch ramp. Just as I'd made it two steps into the water, I slipped on the green slime attached to the concrete of the launch area. The green slime is the consistency of snot! (Who knew?)
My feet went out from under me and I landed with a huge *splat* into the water; hip deep in water, onto my ass. Unfortunately, the turtle I had "rescued" also flew from my hand. He landed just outside of the water line and he was trying to run in the opposite direction of the water!
I picked myself up out of the green slime, almost fell again trying to gain my footing, finally got to slime-less concrete and ran after my poor turtle.
I couldn't figure out why he was running away from the water. Must have heat stroke, I thought.
I carefully made my way to the edge of the slime and pushed Mr. Turtle into the water. He got out of the water and started trying to walk in the opposite direction! I felt so bad for him--he was so overwhelmed by heat stoke that he didn't realize he was HOME!
I picked him up and nudge him back in the water. He tried to go the opposite direction again! I did this a couple more times until I finally got the bright idea that maybe he needed to be submerged in water to cool off and realize he was home at last.
So, I put him in deeper water & held him under. Bubbles started coming up from him and his shell.
As I was wondering if this was normal or not, I heard, "Hey youngin', whaddurya doin'?"
I look over to see an Octogenarian sitting on the rocks near the boat launch. I told him I was trying to set the turtle free in the water but the turtle wasn't cooperating.
Mr. Octogenarian smiled and then told me, "That's because he's a land turtle. He don't live in water." He also told me that if I kept doing what I was doing, I may just drown the turtle. He said to take the turtle back to where I found him.
Here I'd been feeling SO good about myself for doing a good deed by helping a lost turtle with heat stroke and come to find out, I'd actually kidnapped a land turtle from his home and then--from the turtle's point of view--attempted to murder him!
Land turtles. Who knew there was such a thing? Not to excuse myself, but "land" and "turtle" just doesn't sound natural to my Floridian mind!
So I took Mr. Turtle back to the--approximate--area I'd found him and took my bruised ego and bruised ass on my merry way.
I now think twice before I decide I'm going to do a good deed....
May 22nd, 2013:
Hello? Karma Calling!
The Me, Me, Me, Me-First Disease is out of control.
People attempting to shove others out of the way to gain maximum attention. People attempting to throw others under the bus to make themselves look like the better choice. People attempting to overwhelm others with how awesome they are. These type of people really do not seem to care about anyone but themselves and see nothing wrong with pushing, shoving, and screaming their way to the front of some imaginary line.
That's all just so very weird to me. Cause, first, I'm like, don't the Attention Hogs know these tactics do not work? Second, the more you tell people how awesome you are, the less they believe it. And, third, I'm like, Hal-LOOooooo....Karma can't be fooled, heifers! I mean, really. She will be calling upon you to give back to you what you put out to others!!! Duh!
May 21st, 2013:
Etiquette for Gold Digging!
I'm almost positive this subject should be in the driver's handbook for every state: Picking one's nose is not an approved activity while driving! Doing so is akin to texting while driving. So why isn't this subject addressed in handbooks and on public safety billboards?!
Your gold digging should be done somewhere private; preferably where there are four walls and some kleenex! Much as you would like to think so, your car is not private!
To those who dig and flick?! You uncouth toadies make me wonder just how many of those bug corpses on my windshield are really bug corpses!
And I seriously don't like having to think about that!
May 20th, 2013:
Innocent mistake or premeditated intent?
Ma uses Sweet-n-low, I like Splenda but use her sweetner when I'm at her house. For a couple weeks, Ma's mentioned several times that she'd found some Splenda for me and why hadn't I used it yet?
Yesterday, I finally decided to use her splenda packets so she'd stop mentioning them.
I made myself a glass of iced tea, using her "Splenda" and proceeded to chug back a huge swallow.
Wait. Stop. W.T.F.?!?!
The tea tastes like SALT and something chemical-ey. "MAaaaaaa!!! WTF?! That was not Splenda!"
I dig the 'splenda' packets out of the trash. I don't have my glasses on, so I can't read the package. I hand them to Ma.
She looks at the packets for me and in this oh-so-innocent voice says, "I thought it was Splenda."
"Well, what is it?" I ask.
Ma's staring at me with these big blue innocent eyes of hers; like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "It says 'Nasaline.' Oops?"
Personally, I think she was either trying to kill me or, at the very least, incapacitate me for a few weeks until it was time to work in the yard again.
May 18th, 2013:
"Beware of the big blue innocent eyes"
I started weeding one of my mom's many landscaped gardens. Ma sees me in this particular garden and hurries over to point out a poison ivy plant. She says that it is "her" plant and not to pull it out.
I ask her what she's keeping--and nurturing--a poison ivy plant for. Rather than answer, Ma starts pointing out the different flora & fauna she has in that particular round garden.
I didn't realize until later that she never answered me and, she quite possibly used a distraction technique on me to avoid answering.
Now, my mom is this petite little thing with big blue eyes, and looks and acts like a June Cleaver-meets-Martha Stewart. So what evil intent does she hide behind that innocent façade of hers...?
May 17th, 2013:
"You are not Funny!"
So. My mom & stepdad were bickering with each other (as they do) when my mom put her fingertips to her temples and said, "oh! I suddenly have this sharp pain right here!"
I popped out with, "that's called your last nerve."
Now, see, I thought that was funny. Stepdad thought it was funny. Mom? Not funny. I am SO funny! Dang it!
May 15th, 2013:
The subconscious mind is an amazing thing: Ma's having some work done around her place. One of the seriously hawt guys doing the work is named Margarito. Ma accidentally called him "Mojito" three. Separate. TIMES. Before she finally turned to me and said, "Hey, you want to go to Jose Peppers for dinner?"
Guess Ma had been jonesing for a mojito, or three.
May 13th, 2013:
Wondering how ill-mannered, uncouth, and / or déclassé it is to take your mom shopping for Mother's Day andend up buying something for yourself, instead...? I mean, I found a very cool statue that I just had to have but Ma didn't want anything so I'm wondering just how bad of a daughter does this make me?
PS: Isn't She COOL?!?!
May 10th, 2013: If I tell you I love you, it does not mean that you own me. Loving you does not mean I have to stay with you or stay where you are. Nor, does it mean I stop loving you when I leave; I take the love with me.
May 3rd, 2013:
Dear Slow Drivers of America: You are 85% of the reason for Road Rage and 50% of the reason for car accidents! I don't have a problem with you driving slowly. Really. But could you possibly do it in the outside lane!!! The inside, passing lane is called the PASSING LANE because it's for the cars behind you to PASS your slow-driving butt!
PS: When you're driving slowly in the PASSING LANE,and acting like you don't see the cars behind you or beside you? We KNOW you see us!
April 28th, 2013:
Note to self: When completing a phone call with a rude customer service rep, make SURE you have pushed the "end" button on your phone before talking shit about said rude bitch; especially when she is the deciding vote of whether you get what you want or not!
April 21st, 2013:
I absolutely love men, I really do. I just don't believe women should have to breast feed them after they graduate from college.
April 20th, 2013:
Warning to All Thieves: Attempt to steal my dreams and I will stab you. Hard. With a number two pencil. So that it hurts. Very, very badly.
April 19th, 2013:
If I were a butterfly, I'd probably look like every other butterfly until...I spread my wings! Oh, the rare and beautiful color of my wings!
April 17th, 2013:
Explanation of Thunder & Lightning to a four year old: Thunder is one of the ways God talks to us and the lightning comes first as His way of saying, "Hey, pay attention, I'm getting ready to speak here!"
April 16th, 2013:
Kidney Stones. The closest God could come to making men know what it feels like for a woman to give birth.
Score one for Team God!
April 15th, 2013:
Dear Dog Owners of Tiny Dogs: I think your dogs are simply adorableuntil... you are at the table next to me in a restaurant and pull them out of your purse to eat and drink from your glass and plate. I'm almost positive you'd have a problem with me if I did the same thing with my 110 lb American Bulldog.
April 12th, 2013
Weird how no one seems to be as sympathetic to you when you're injured as they would expect you to be if they were injured.
Note to self: Buy mom a book detailing the emancipation of slavery in the US. Also buy a law book and highlight the areas showing where slavery is now illegal.
April 10th, 2013
New reason to shave cat bald.
A few days ago when I was walking down the hallway she ran in front of me and just stopped. I tripped over her and hurt my back. Then today, I was trying to "gingerly" walk down some steps so I didn't re-injure my back and ended up falling down and twisting my ankle. So the ankle is her fault, too.
That lil heifer is going down!
April 9th, 2013
Why do some women wear a coat and furry, warm boots with shorts or mini-skirts when it's cold outside? I mean, really. What goes through their minds?!
April 4th, 2013
If I have to explain to my cat who it is that's in charge around here just one more damn time, I'm taking the clippers and shaving her ass bald. Bald, I say! BALD!
