The first thing that is true is that the only constant in yours or anyone’s life is change. So trying to adapt to change is necessary. I think people really say they want change more than they do. When their mate is cruel to them, of course they want them to change, who wouldn’t? However change brings the unknown. If your cruel boyfriend changes, your dance in the relationship will change too. There could be more of an expectation of your behavior, or what the relationship brings in his or her life. There may be less tolerance of certain issues. There is a whole psychological dance between people that for the purpose of this blog is way too complicated and intricate to go into.
Does that mean you should not change? No, change is the process by which we move forward. Most of the time, it is somewhat gradual and allows you to adapt as you go, sometimes it isn’t. However what my client meant is purposeful change possible? I still say yes, speak to the millions of recovering people who have had to change their entire lives and direction and have done so successfully.
Here are some facts about purposeful changing:
1. First most people do not change out of choice. Usually something in their lives is not working, and is indeed causing them pain.
2. They have done a process like the 5 changes of grief or the Kubler-Ross Method of processing pain; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
3. You can only change yourself, and your behavior. You cannot change your partner, your parents, or anyone else. That being said any business man will tell you if you change 50% of any company the change is dramatic, even life altering. Meaning your change can make a difference.
4. If not changing is causing pain, it will only get worse, and stand in the way of what you want in your life. There is nothing beneficial about it. If you do it to prevent pain, you won’t, you will live in a more familiar pain. The pain is progressive it will get worse. It is inevitable.
The universe has made it easier to change than you might think. If it needs to come from you, all you have to do is ask for help, and take the next step in front of you. It does not need to be a major step at first. It only requires baby steps, and one after the other. You will gain traction and progress as you go.
Like I said it is inevitable for change to occur, if you are able to role with it, there is less pain, and more joy. You lose less of what you have, and gain more of what you want. That is the simple truth. So whether you have to set boundaries that are hard with another person, accept your child’s leaving home for college, or that your husband/wife wants a divorce, it will be done better with less pain if you go with the process. That does not mean there will be no pain. Pain is a part of life, and a part of love. You don’t have to wallow in it, you can use it to grow and embrace your life.
I have recently lost this amazing cat. He is not my first loss by far, I have lost many humans and pets in my life, but this cat was amazing. He was loved by me and my whole complex. He was old, wise, a beautiful Russian Blue cat named Oz. He chose to live with me a few years ago, and had life before me. I knew he was older and an outdoor cat when he came. I tried to work at curtailing him as he got older knowing he was a social cat. My neighbors loved him, he slept on their outside furniture, next to their dogs. The entire complex called him the O.G. cat (original gangster), the coolest cat. Someone had explained that one to me as it was about 20 years outside my realm of terminology. Monday I called him as per normal. He did not come, which I knew meant something was wrong he always came. Tuesday I found him next to the complex he had hit by a car. Oz was gone.
I was in complete denial, after all Sunday he sat on my lap as I watched Sister Wives, and I petted him. He could not be gone. I know because he keeps coming to me in my sleep to visit, that Oz is gone.
I am better now, I do understand the process of change, however this one was painful as Oz was a jewel, priceless. I changed to meet the situation. I am one of those people in recovery that has had to change everything to have a decent life. I have more than just a decent life, I have a great life. So if change is required in your life, embrace and move toward it, with baby steps. You will live more comfortably.