I know many clients and even friends who are always wondering "when will he/she call?" "Will he/she call?" "Does he/she regret the break up?" and although I'd have to look at each situation to give an accurate answer, I can give you some insight through this blog as to what does go on in the head of a few of the more stereotypical ex's...
There are so many ways break up's occur. There is the heated argument break up. There is the "I need space" break up. There's the "I'm confused" break up. There's the "ultimatum" break up...the list is endless. So let me outline each one and what is going on, most of the time, with each.
Please keep in mind, this is a generic read on most relationship pitfalls that happen, and even if your situation falls into one of these categories, it does not necessarily mean this is what is going on in your instance. I would have to do a read on it to give you specifics and also pinpoint the issue and what to do or not do....
THE HEATED ARGUMENT BREAK-UP: Okay, you both got heated. Emotions were heightened and you, he, she or both of you, said some pretty unsavory and unforgivable things. We've all been there, and it's happened to all of us at one time or another. Now one of you has said, "THAT'S IT! IT'S OVER!"
WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHY: The fight hit a plateau and one of you was not winning the argument, or felt it they were not being heard. It is also a matter of someone becoming exhausted by the fight, or trying to shut the other one up with the announcement of the break. Whatever the reason, it worked. Fight is over now. Both of you have stormed off to your respective corners and now both of you are indignant. There are some feelings of, "oh no...what just happened?", but anger is still present and I can bet dollars to donuts you're both fuming and GLAD it's done. You're cursing one another while scrubbing the stove working off that excess energy and neither one of you is thinking clearly. Then the anger cools. You replay all the words that were said back and forth. If you behaved from a place of honesty, integrity and truth, then you will have little, if anything to regret. But if you hit below the belt in an effort to WIN...you'll be filled with remorse and now fear.
NOW WHAT?: What is happening on the side of the person who did initiate the break up, if they blurted it out in anger is they are now going to stubbornly await YOUR call. They are justifying all they did and trying to convince themselves they were right. They will focus on all the words YOU said, not what they said, and YOU become the villian. They can out wait you. You know why? Because they are usually the ones who are wrong in this case scenerio. The one who blurts out "it's over" in the heat of an arugument, without any real cause such as cheating, lying, etc on the part of the other person, but does so unwarranted is probably not going to call. Don't sit by the phone. They aren't going to call because then they'd have to eat crow. They'd have to take responsibility. But most times, they do not. The confused person seems to always be the one to reach out because they don't know what the hell happened.
It's your call what you choose to do. To call or not to call. But I advise being patient and wait for them to get a clue that you are not going to contact them when they use the relationship as a tool to wound and win or silence you during a fight. Once you dial that phone, you have basically given them permission to continue using this tactic anytime they are not winning the fight and you will then begin a horrible pattern of breaking up, calling, and getting back together. Do not reward threatening tactics by calling and fixing a problem THEY created. You are only solidifying and cementing this negative pattern.
WHAT THEY ARE THINKING: For a few days they are justifying their actions. They feel in control. They hurt you and most important, they shut you up. They are utterly convinced you will call. They are arrogant and cocky. And they go about their day. They are not suffering. They are not eating a gallon of ice cream while listening to Whitney Houston songs...they are not sitting home staring at their laptop and composing letters. They are numb and delusional. When you have not called, they start to replay their own words now...They start to get anxious, and they start to draft text msgs and emails. None of which they send. These people prefer the written word over a telephone convo. Why? Because they can censor themselves and they can make sure they don't come across as needy, fearful or anxious. It's usually a short msg, or a stupid one that they go with, such as, "Did I leave my lint at your house?"...they are testing the water. Do not respond. Go silent. Until they have enough nerve to say something fruitful, say nothing. They will. In fact, if you don't respond, it shifts their anxiety into high gear and they go into the "uh oh" phase...and THAT'S when you'll get a call :)
THE "I NEED SPACE" BREAK UP: Listen, this one is incredibly simple. If they need space then give it to them. And while they are taking that time, go take yours. Don't worry over if he/she wants you or others. Start to look at what YOU aren't getting in this relationship. Don't plead with this person, it won't work. It will only make them more cocky and drag their butt in returning.
When someone makes this announcement to you, they are prepared for your "why?" question. They've rehearsed their response, and it's never a truthful one. It's always "I'm bogged down with work" or "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" or "I want to take things slow". The real reason someone wants space is they are not sure they want to be with you anymore, and/or they are feeling pressure to go to the next level and they don't want to. It's really a matter of them keeping their options open. They like you enough to keep the door open, there are some great things being with you that they don't want to give up, but they do not want to commit to it and they either do not want a steady relationship or they want to explore other options. Don't delude yourself into thinking this person is sitting home pondering a proposal and if he should do it. Men don't need space to do that. They usually need a high limit credit card and a shot of tequila...
WHAT TO DO: When they announce they need space, simply say, "okay...and while you have your time exploring that space, I'll do the same." and END the conversation on a upbeat note such as, "take care"...and LET...IT...GO. They won't get to recite their rehearsed response. They will hang up wondering if you really wanted space too, and they will then second guess their decision. They won't call for at least a week unless they were using this tactic to manipulate, in this case, they will call probably in less than a week because their plan blew up in their face.
One of the worst things people do in this scenerio is they begin to post constantly on social media about how HAPPY they are. They post pics of them with other guys/girls...blast about how they partied all weekend. They tweet and FB way too much in an effort to show "this doesn't bother me". When it actually has the opposite effect. If you think your FB and Twitter friends can't read your desperation you are severely mistaken. It's blatantly clear when it's one song lyric after another or you wearing a low cleavage sweater hugging some anonymous bloak. Don't reduce yourself to this tactic. What you do is fall silent. If he/she is lurking your FB, so be it. Let them. Do not discuss ANY aspect of your life on social media. When you don't they will have nothing to feed off of and they will call faster to get info, or at least ask your friends about you. Even if you post 20 times a day normally, don't right now. Trust me, it works faster than trying to put on the illusion your life is grand. THE "I'M CONFUSED" BREAK UP: Another easy one. If someone is confused about what to do this is authentic. It's honest. (Most of the time). Just give them their space, they will figure it out. It's when you argue with them and list all the reasons they SHOULD love you that you just muck it up. Trust me, if you were good together, they will realize it and return in a very short time. But when you call, text, email, FB, "So? Have you figured it out?" you will only drag on the time of waiting. Give them that time. This is usually a phrase used when it has to go to the next step. And they are wondering if they want to invest in it. Like I said, if it's been good, they will come back rather quickly as long as you leave them be. If it's been riddled with chaos and drama they will most likely weigh their options, and depending on their emotions either call with a solution to the problems or call to let you know it's not working out.
WHAT THEY ARE DOING DURING THIS TIME: Not much of anything. They are giving it some thought. But mostly, they are taking a breather. They need time away from you to figure it out. If your presence is missed they return rather fast. If they feel relief when they don't have to deal with you, they will grow more comfortable with this time apart. Either way, they will make a decision fairly early on, in a week or two. Again, leave them alone. It will do no good to state your case or to beg and plead. But if you have done some things that have caused pain, chaos or drama, it's best you pen an email recognizing and taking responsibility for all you've done and said. Don't make excuses by saying, "I only did that because YOU did this..." be simple and to the point stating, "I know I've made some big mistakes, but please know I do want to correct them and be a better person and if there is a way we can find a solution, I am open to it and will work at it". That's all you need to say. Sometimes they just want to hear that you acknowledge there is an issue instead of excuses. Be a grown up! Take your responsibility. But....herein lies the rub...I've seen many take responsibility for the bad behavior of the other person. Bearing all the weight in the bad parts, and that is not right either. Unless YOU did it. Unless YOU said, do not own it. Only own what YOU did and not what they did!
I hope this gives some insight into some of what goes on behind the scenes. If you'd like to know more about your particular situation, please feel free to contact me so I may give more specific details to your relationship.
Blessings, MsLisaM![]()
There are so many ways break up's occur. There is the heated argument break up. There is the "I need space" break up. There's the "I'm confused" break up. There's the "ultimatum" break up...the list is endless. So let me outline each one and what is going on, most of the time, with each.
Please keep in mind, this is a generic read on most relationship pitfalls that happen, and even if your situation falls into one of these categories, it does not necessarily mean this is what is going on in your instance. I would have to do a read on it to give you specifics and also pinpoint the issue and what to do or not do....
THE HEATED ARGUMENT BREAK-UP: Okay, you both got heated. Emotions were heightened and you, he, she or both of you, said some pretty unsavory and unforgivable things. We've all been there, and it's happened to all of us at one time or another. Now one of you has said, "THAT'S IT! IT'S OVER!"
WHAT'S GOING ON AND WHY: The fight hit a plateau and one of you was not winning the argument, or felt it they were not being heard. It is also a matter of someone becoming exhausted by the fight, or trying to shut the other one up with the announcement of the break. Whatever the reason, it worked. Fight is over now. Both of you have stormed off to your respective corners and now both of you are indignant. There are some feelings of, "oh no...what just happened?", but anger is still present and I can bet dollars to donuts you're both fuming and GLAD it's done. You're cursing one another while scrubbing the stove working off that excess energy and neither one of you is thinking clearly. Then the anger cools. You replay all the words that were said back and forth. If you behaved from a place of honesty, integrity and truth, then you will have little, if anything to regret. But if you hit below the belt in an effort to WIN...you'll be filled with remorse and now fear.
NOW WHAT?: What is happening on the side of the person who did initiate the break up, if they blurted it out in anger is they are now going to stubbornly await YOUR call. They are justifying all they did and trying to convince themselves they were right. They will focus on all the words YOU said, not what they said, and YOU become the villian. They can out wait you. You know why? Because they are usually the ones who are wrong in this case scenerio. The one who blurts out "it's over" in the heat of an arugument, without any real cause such as cheating, lying, etc on the part of the other person, but does so unwarranted is probably not going to call. Don't sit by the phone. They aren't going to call because then they'd have to eat crow. They'd have to take responsibility. But most times, they do not. The confused person seems to always be the one to reach out because they don't know what the hell happened.
It's your call what you choose to do. To call or not to call. But I advise being patient and wait for them to get a clue that you are not going to contact them when they use the relationship as a tool to wound and win or silence you during a fight. Once you dial that phone, you have basically given them permission to continue using this tactic anytime they are not winning the fight and you will then begin a horrible pattern of breaking up, calling, and getting back together. Do not reward threatening tactics by calling and fixing a problem THEY created. You are only solidifying and cementing this negative pattern.
WHAT THEY ARE THINKING: For a few days they are justifying their actions. They feel in control. They hurt you and most important, they shut you up. They are utterly convinced you will call. They are arrogant and cocky. And they go about their day. They are not suffering. They are not eating a gallon of ice cream while listening to Whitney Houston songs...they are not sitting home staring at their laptop and composing letters. They are numb and delusional. When you have not called, they start to replay their own words now...They start to get anxious, and they start to draft text msgs and emails. None of which they send. These people prefer the written word over a telephone convo. Why? Because they can censor themselves and they can make sure they don't come across as needy, fearful or anxious. It's usually a short msg, or a stupid one that they go with, such as, "Did I leave my lint at your house?"...they are testing the water. Do not respond. Go silent. Until they have enough nerve to say something fruitful, say nothing. They will. In fact, if you don't respond, it shifts their anxiety into high gear and they go into the "uh oh" phase...and THAT'S when you'll get a call :)
THE "I NEED SPACE" BREAK UP: Listen, this one is incredibly simple. If they need space then give it to them. And while they are taking that time, go take yours. Don't worry over if he/she wants you or others. Start to look at what YOU aren't getting in this relationship. Don't plead with this person, it won't work. It will only make them more cocky and drag their butt in returning.
When someone makes this announcement to you, they are prepared for your "why?" question. They've rehearsed their response, and it's never a truthful one. It's always "I'm bogged down with work" or "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" or "I want to take things slow". The real reason someone wants space is they are not sure they want to be with you anymore, and/or they are feeling pressure to go to the next level and they don't want to. It's really a matter of them keeping their options open. They like you enough to keep the door open, there are some great things being with you that they don't want to give up, but they do not want to commit to it and they either do not want a steady relationship or they want to explore other options. Don't delude yourself into thinking this person is sitting home pondering a proposal and if he should do it. Men don't need space to do that. They usually need a high limit credit card and a shot of tequila...
WHAT TO DO: When they announce they need space, simply say, "okay...and while you have your time exploring that space, I'll do the same." and END the conversation on a upbeat note such as, "take care"...and LET...IT...GO. They won't get to recite their rehearsed response. They will hang up wondering if you really wanted space too, and they will then second guess their decision. They won't call for at least a week unless they were using this tactic to manipulate, in this case, they will call probably in less than a week because their plan blew up in their face.
One of the worst things people do in this scenerio is they begin to post constantly on social media about how HAPPY they are. They post pics of them with other guys/girls...blast about how they partied all weekend. They tweet and FB way too much in an effort to show "this doesn't bother me". When it actually has the opposite effect. If you think your FB and Twitter friends can't read your desperation you are severely mistaken. It's blatantly clear when it's one song lyric after another or you wearing a low cleavage sweater hugging some anonymous bloak. Don't reduce yourself to this tactic. What you do is fall silent. If he/she is lurking your FB, so be it. Let them. Do not discuss ANY aspect of your life on social media. When you don't they will have nothing to feed off of and they will call faster to get info, or at least ask your friends about you. Even if you post 20 times a day normally, don't right now. Trust me, it works faster than trying to put on the illusion your life is grand. THE "I'M CONFUSED" BREAK UP: Another easy one. If someone is confused about what to do this is authentic. It's honest. (Most of the time). Just give them their space, they will figure it out. It's when you argue with them and list all the reasons they SHOULD love you that you just muck it up. Trust me, if you were good together, they will realize it and return in a very short time. But when you call, text, email, FB, "So? Have you figured it out?" you will only drag on the time of waiting. Give them that time. This is usually a phrase used when it has to go to the next step. And they are wondering if they want to invest in it. Like I said, if it's been good, they will come back rather quickly as long as you leave them be. If it's been riddled with chaos and drama they will most likely weigh their options, and depending on their emotions either call with a solution to the problems or call to let you know it's not working out.
WHAT THEY ARE DOING DURING THIS TIME: Not much of anything. They are giving it some thought. But mostly, they are taking a breather. They need time away from you to figure it out. If your presence is missed they return rather fast. If they feel relief when they don't have to deal with you, they will grow more comfortable with this time apart. Either way, they will make a decision fairly early on, in a week or two. Again, leave them alone. It will do no good to state your case or to beg and plead. But if you have done some things that have caused pain, chaos or drama, it's best you pen an email recognizing and taking responsibility for all you've done and said. Don't make excuses by saying, "I only did that because YOU did this..." be simple and to the point stating, "I know I've made some big mistakes, but please know I do want to correct them and be a better person and if there is a way we can find a solution, I am open to it and will work at it". That's all you need to say. Sometimes they just want to hear that you acknowledge there is an issue instead of excuses. Be a grown up! Take your responsibility. But....herein lies the rub...I've seen many take responsibility for the bad behavior of the other person. Bearing all the weight in the bad parts, and that is not right either. Unless YOU did it. Unless YOU said, do not own it. Only own what YOU did and not what they did!
I hope this gives some insight into some of what goes on behind the scenes. If you'd like to know more about your particular situation, please feel free to contact me so I may give more specific details to your relationship.
Blessings, MsLisaM