Codependency is a slippery psychological slope. Often times it is hard to differentiate as to whether one is a kind, caring and loving partner or in a codependent state.
How does one know if one is codependent? No one can tell you that you are codependent, you need to work through the identification process on your own. All love affairs and serious relationships have hints of codependency about them, it is a normal and natural part of the loving process to want to help and encourage our partners. The difficulty comes when the boundaries between who is responsible for what blur, codependency has often been described as a “loss of self”.
Here are some factors that may help you to determine whether or not you suffer from codependency.
Caretaking
Codependents tend to feel over responsible for others. They cannot allow anyone to sink or swim, they are the people who continually rescue others. They feel that they are responsible for the feelings, thoughts and actions of others to the degree that they violate personal boundaries on a regular basis. When someone they care for has an issue or problem, the codependent reacts as if the problem is their own. Whether their assistance is sought out or not, the codependent will try to “fix” other people’s problems. Codependents become angry when or if their help is not effective. Codependents will anticipate the needs of others and spend the bulk of their time fulfilling those needs. Codependents harbor resentments because they do not receive the same level of assistance in return from those that they make their lives revolve around.
Low Self Esteem
Codependents tend to come from dysfunctional families and situations, yet at the same time, deny that any dysfunction existed. Codependent persons criticize themselves brutally but cannot accept criticism from others. They regularly reject compliments and praise. They have frequently been the victim of some form of abuse and tend to relish the victim role.
Become Obsessed
Codependent people are overly concerned about other people’s worries and problems and frequently suffer great anxiety over these issues. Worry about slight details is common. Codependents tend to speak about other people rather than themselves, as their focus is always outward, not inward. Codependents regularly check up on other people and have issues with trust, they try to catch people lying or doing hurtful things as they expect to be hurt or betrayed in some way.
Controlling
Backgrounds of codependent people frequently had them live through situations which were very much out of control, therefore, a good deal of the codependent’s energy is spent trying to control other people and their environments. Codependents cannot allow events to happen naturally but must push to move situations in the direction they prefer. When they fail to control people and events, they tend to become very angry and frustrated
Denial
Codependents ignore their own problems or pretend that they aren’t there. They tend to suffer from depression and a myriad of ailments. They can become workaholics, alcohol abusers, self medicate, overeat or spend compulsively.
Dependency
Codependents rely on outside sources for happiness, they cannot be happy in their own skin, they have extreme difficulty being alone.
Poor Communication
Codependents cannot express dissatisfaction or their wants clearly, instead they lie, beg, demand, blame, coerce, threaten and bribe. When these tactics fail, they frequently go into a codependent rage.
Codependent Rage
Because the codependent is unable to express dissatisfaction or displeasure in a timely manner, they frequently allow resentments to build and build until a trigger event, that may be quite minor in nature, sets them into a full-blown rage. Codependents can become extremely angry and even violent while in this state, everything that has been boiling inside them, sometimes for years, will explode during these outbursts. Issues that have long since past or been resolved are brought up as if they happened just yesterday.
If any of these qualities sound like you or someone you know, you may well be dealing with codependency issues.
Coping With Codependency
The first step in dealing with codependency is to understand and accept that you cannot control other people. You must learn that the only person that you can control is yourself. You must learn to set clear boundaries between your own responsibilities and the responsibilities of others. In learning to let go of the urge to fix everything and everyone you can begin to lead a happier, more relaxed life.
Whenever something is upsetting you, you can try this little exercise.
Write down why you are upset, in detail. Write down what you can do about it, what can you really do to change the situation? If there is a solution, start working on it, but, if it turns out that there is nothing that you, personally can do to change the situation there is only one thing that you can do and that is accept the situation for what it is, and let go.
Do this each and every time that you get upset and you will begin to see that you may be wasting a lot of your emotional and psychological energy on episodes that are totally beyond your control. In disciplining yourself to analyze situations this way, you will begin to recognize those issues that you cannot influence and find, over time, that you are becoming upset less and less frequently.
Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop
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