The title may lead you to believe this
is going to be a feel good post all about how you have to trust your
heart. This could not be further from the truth. The sad truth is that
often times our minds, not our hearts lead us astray. Our desire to be
loved makes us sacrifice far more than we should. It will tell us "they
truly love me" when in fact you are nothing but the gum on the bottom of
their shoe, you know the stuff they don't even bother to scrape off,
rather just keep stepping and stepping on it?
Why does our mind do this to us?
Well some of us are conditioned. This conditioning as well as some
skewed perceptions of what love is can cause us much confusion. When we
involve ourselves with toxic individuals who prey on all that we have to
offer lets be honest, that is not love. That is not even in the same
vicinity as love. So often, however, because we desire a relationship so
badly or want so badly for something to work with this specific someone
we end up making excuse after excuse. "He is having a hard time." "He
is busy with work/kids/friends." "He is scared." etc. etc. The greater
likelihood, however, is that he simply doesn't love you unconditionally,
if at all.
What is the difference? Well
simply put conditional love is the love you get when you give him x, y
and z. When you decide you want some of your needs met or suddenly give
no more then you do not receive his love.
For
example, if he only comes around when he wants sex but yet cannot even
muster up the energy to take you out to dinner once or twice a week,
HELLO CONDITIONALITY!
If you find
that he seems able to take or leave the relationship with very little
reason then you have found yourself conditionally loved.
Men
love the same way that women love. They run through airports, they
chase after you, even hopping on a plane if need be, they throw rocks at
your window and serenade you at night. When they TRULY want you, they
will have you and not just portions of you but ALL of you. No matter the
changes they must encounter its worth it to them as NOT having you is a
fate far worse.
So when the object of your
affection treats you like dog sh$t its not that he is scared hunny, he
simply doesn't want you. "But he keeps coming back around" they say with
fervor! Yes, like a heroin addict who needs his fix they will come back
around from time to time and why not! You give and give without
requesting in return! You provide him with all of the benefits,
emotionally, mentally, physically and intimately that a relationship
would provide him with but yet he doesn't have to give absolutely
anything but a little slap and tickle from time to time (when it suits
him, of course!).
Which brings me back to my
point, why then do so many women continue to follow the men who treat
them like crap around like a lost puppy? They will keep coming up for
more each time he kicks them down. They will claim that they are
"following their heart" when in truth they simply are lacking self
respect.
Your heart would NEVER
advise you to stay in something where your needs are not met. Your heart
would never advocate staying around someone who uses you. Your heart
would not tell you that someone loves you deep down despite the fact
that they only show it when THEY need/want something.
You're being led, not by your
heart, but rather by a very unhealthy tendency to seek out those who are
not available. You likely have a very strong desire to make someone
love you as now its a challenge, a game that you have to win.
We
have a very strong self preservation tendency. Its what keeps our feet
firmly planted on the crosswalk when a car whizzes by and if you truly
keep those ears open for what its telling you, not just what you WANT it
to tell you then you will find that its warning you about your
relationship as well.
We have to
learn to shut our own internal desires down long enough so that we can
check into what our survival instincts are telling us. We have to call
upon our self respect and self love so that they can remind us that
being treated unfairly is NEVER acceptable. We needs to dial into our
confidence so that we can remember that bending over backwards for
someone today in hopes it gives us what we want tomorrow RARELY, if
ever, turns out with our satisfaction.
Its
not that our hearts are misleading us its that we are relying on
instant gratification, desperation and sometimes, yes, even obsession
when it comes to assessing our relationships.
If
a man doesn't treat you with respect when he is not in a relationship
with you what makes you think he will when he has the whole cow,
assuming of course you even get to that point?
We rely on this concept that we
are following our hearts to justify our foolish and unhealthy behavior.
Sadly until we learn to truly know the difference between our hearts and
our heads we will just keep repeating the same vicious cycles over and
over again. Even if you are completely unsure check into those
aforementioned instincts. Even if someone does emotionally tie
themselves to you but yet are STILL treating you badly, taking more than
they are giving or are an otherwise toxic and draining force in your
life this doesn't excuse staying around them. Emotionality is not
enough. Love yourself so that you are not so hard-up for the love of
another you can excuse unhealthy behavior.
In the end the only way to
attract healthy love is by becoming it. And not becoming it for another
but becoming it for yourself. If you accept unhealthy love/lust in your
life or allow people to mistreat you then you only attract more of the
same. You cannot accept bad and hope to get good. We can blame them for
their bad behavior or unhealthy habits but after a certain point doesn't
it become OUR fault when we know how they treat us but still involve
ourselves with them anyways?
Knowing the difference between
your conditioning and your heart can be very difficult. Its not,
however, impossible. When you love yourself more than you love another,
when you are confident and self assured, when you do not accept or
tolerate someone who treats you dismissively or badly then its mighty
difficult for those who wish to take advantage of you to get in even
edge-wise. Those we attract highlight aspects of the self that need
working....so if you are involved with someone who uses you, or comes in
and out of your life with erratic frequency then ask yourself why?
Maybe its not love, maybe its not even them....maybe its you.
Keep your hearts glowing, my
lovelies. Remember that no matter how deep you feel in it there is
always a rope above. I urge you all to express self love and nurturing
towards yourself....the most important person in your life.