Should I Stay......... or Should I Go Now?

Many clients call and have concerns because their relationships are not “perfect”, and some may be striving for the “next level”, and frustrated with what they perceive as a lack of progress.

Perhaps they have been dating the same gentleman for 2 years and he has not yet proposed, or perhaps they are living together and he has not yet asked for marriage, or perhaps they are casually dating and he has not yet asked to be “exclusive” or defined the relationship at a level they are satisfied with, i.e. significant other.

Well, let me start by telling you that as an Advisor here on Keen.com, it would be totally unethical and unprofessional for me to tell you WHAT to do. The best counsel I can offer you is to look at your situation and provide an analysis for you of what is likely to happen given your current path.

If you like the outcome, of course, you are going to stay on that same path working toward that goal. If you do not like the outcome, we can look at what (if anything) you can do to change that particular outcome……and work from there.

One of the primary reasons that progress slows in relationships prior to establishing the “next level” of commitment, no matter what step of the relationship ladder you are on, is the imbalance of masculine and feminine energies within a pairing. Please read my blogs on the subject matter for further information.

If you love the person you are with, my best advice to you is to try to rectify the relationship you are in first, to the best of your ability, prior to breaking it off and starting from scratch again. Unless you are in an abusive situation, in which case you should end it immediately, it is best to repair the cracks in your existing foundation prior to tearing the whole relationship down.

Starting over is always a bit of a setback when you are looking for a committed relationship as you have to start from ground zero all over again, shop around, test them out, it takes time, a lot of time, and you already have a certain amount of time invested in your current situation.

If you have been dating casually and you want to know how long it should take to become exclusive, the answer varies, and you have to take into consideration whether or not you have allowed physical intimacy to take place absent the “exclusivity” clause.

If you have had physical relations prior to establishing your exclusiveness, you’ve got a bit of a situation on your hands as you have already communicated the message to your partner that you are willing to give of yourself in that manner without any commitment from him, it’s a tough one.

If you have been exclusive and dating for some time, how long should it take for him to propose? There is no standard answer or time frame for that question. Every individual has their own “commitment clock” and I would be remiss to answer that. The issue is, how much time are you willing to invest in a relationship prior to engagement and marriage. If you are not happy with your relationship clock, then you cannot force him to commit, the only thing you can do is tell him that you wish that things were different, but you are ready for a deeper commitment and if he is not willing to make that commitment to you, you need the freedom to find someone who is on the same time schedule as you.

If he really loves you, he won’t let you go for long, he may take a few months, and you may need to move on, but if he really loves you, he will come back and commit.

Should you stay or should you go?

Most people are afraid to endure the pain to effect change by risking loss, but loss can be turned into gain. You can turn your current situation around by risking loss, or you can find a new situation that does not require so much analysis when you actually do take matters into your own hands and reject situations that are unsatisfactory to you.


This blog has been condensed to an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" published in April 2010 and available at Amazon, on Kindle, and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!