Closure is Not a Gift

At least once per day, usually much more frequently, I receive calls from clients asking about exes from whom they wish to be "given closure".

Sometimes it is a freshly broken relationship and quite understandable that they would like to have a logical and mature discussion with the ex as to why the relationship failed, in order to learn from the experience and begin the process of moving on.

There are some clients, however, who are looking to be "given closure" for situations and relationships that are ancient history, perhaps having ended many months or even years ago. These clients tend to be stuck, they are unable to move forward into new relationships, forgoing any opportunities for moving on by waiting and wondering if they will ever "get closure".

They focus on wondering if their ex partner ever thinks about them, how they feel about them, even when the ex partner is obviously involved with someone new! They live in constant anticipation, regardless of how much time has passed, of the old flame making contact and some how, some way, "giving" them the "closure" that they need to move forward.

This is not only unrealistic, it is down right unhealthy. I find that the clients who have this insatiable need for the "gift of closure" are harboring the hope that the ex will see what a mistake they made and return to the failed relationship.

Some actually believe that unless they are "given closure" the relationship still has a chance of resurrecting itself, even if years have gone by.

Closure is not something you are given. it is not a gift.

Yes, some relationships do end with some very clear and defined energies of closure, most have been very long-term and committed in nature, such as marriages and engagements where social expectations are high, but clear-cut closure is the exception in relationships, not the rule. Closure is something that you TAKE.

In most cases, closure is an experience that you go through alone, not with your ex, but alone.

How do you "take" your closure?

There are many ways to do so.

Closure is simply an acceptance that the relationship you once had is now over. You are no longer partners. You are once again two separate entities who are now free to look for a more compatible partner. Closure requires letting go. Some people "take" their closure once their ex becomes involved with a new love, some take their closure after a month or two of no contact and no attempted reconciliation occurs, some take their closure when they meet someone new and feel a true interest in moving forward with the new person, everyone is different.

The people who never receive closure are the people who sit around waiting for their ex to "give" it to them.  They surrender all of their power to an  ex who has most likely taken their own closure quite some time ago, waiting for that "gift of closure" that never comes, from an ex who is long gone.

If you would like closure to your situation, reach out and take it, that's the only way to get it. It's all about acceptance. Accept the change that has occurred, you are not half of a couple, you are an independent individual and you can move forward, you don't need your ex recounting all the reasons the relationship failed to you. Will hearing your ex say "It's not you it's me" or "We grew apart" or "We fought too much" or "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now" really make you feel better? Will it make any more sense to you?

Does knowing with a certainty exactly why your relationship failed make it any easier to move on?  Perhaps, but waiting months or years for a "gift" that never comes is just wasting your time and energy.  In my experience, those who have an actual "closure" discussion rarely find comfort in it, it leaves them trying to argue the point/counter points of the relationship with the ex rather than freeing them to move on.

Instead look at it this way, we had a relationship, it did not work, think of the positives and negatives of that particular partnership and learn from them. Take the good into your next experience and leave the bad behind. Take you closure and move on! The sooner you do, the happier you will be.