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When Will He Call??

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There is a term that sends panic into every lovers heart. It is abandonment. When I first went into recovery we called all these pains "abandonment issues".

When your lover leaves, there is a feeling you get after the initial shock. It starts with thoughts like "I must have meant more than that", or "He just has commitment issues". It consumes you with all kinds of judgments, and explanations. If he has left for someone else, well, "it must be the other woman's fault, he really doesn't love her, and he will be back".

Then you check your messages every hour (1/2 hour is obsessive and you don't want to be that).
You check your email, he must be busy right now. You know he meant to call. You are sure he really loves you. Then you do the drive by to see who is there at his house, you call and hang up or worse leave message after message. He does nothing, he is living his life.

You feel frantic, if only you can get to him, you will make it right, it was all your fault, he has to see. You can work it out. You can't sleep, or eat, it's hard to work. You leave your nights free in case he calls.

STOP-

That feeling of powerlessness and frantic anxiety is abandonment. We have all felt it. My first time was when 3 1/2 years in to my sobriety, the man I had been seeing for 3 years moved to LA to become an actor, and did not invite me. I felt as if I were drowning.

Luckily I had a sponsor explain to me what was happening to me and told me I would not die from it, but I needed to face it. To be honest with what was happening. So for 2 months I sat in AA meetings (clean and sober), in sweats and no make up. I got through it and frankly I have never felt it as bad since.

So here is the scoop, your psychic you are calling daily, instead of getting a reading, you are giving yourself one. "I know he loves me, not her. He will be back, I just have got to make him see. It is all my fault."

1. Abandonment is more intense because the feelings are usually traceable to childhood issues. So you are feeling new abandonment feelings on top of old ones. It is a pretty big thing to cope with alone. Find a program, therapist someone talk you through it.

2. If you don't face it and go through it, you set up fear and insecurity that will become your truth. It will be a self fulfilling prophesy. It will sabotage real relationships because you will start to become reactionary. Imagine abandonment when it isn't happening.

Worse you will start to abandon people. Before I was sober, that is what I did. Which made the one time I tried to stay put, a more bitter pill. I am happy to say, if you go through it, there is healing.

Lastly, No Matter what you think you did to cause this, no one is ever more than 50% responsible for an adult relationship. At least in industrialized nations.

So when you need a coach or psychic to get you through this give me a call, I can help.

  Couples3


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