He shows up at your door, lunch
pale in hand, ready to please you. You both enjoy a very passionate
encounter (sometimes) and bask in the afterglow. Soon thereafter,
however, he gets up, get dressed and decides that he has to leave.
Whether he is going home to a wife, or to himself really matters not.
This is a pattern repeated each time you see one another...and yet you
are holding on for a "real" relationship with this man?
Sometimes we see only what we
want to see. Clients come to me and argue that I "dont know how he is
like when its just the two of us" but in truth I do. The test of how a
man feels for you, your place in his life is not just in how he treats
you while you are lying in one each others arms whilst alone, its how he
behaves and treats you while in public, that is if he even takes you
out. He seems to only come around when he wants something and once
gotten he cannot bolt fast enough. Despite these passionate encounters
you are left holding the bag and wanting once his needs are met.
"But he is afraid". "But he is
stuck in an unhappy marriage". But this, and but that. We will make any
excuse to justify our behavior in these relationships. We want something
so bad there is literally no end to the excuses and reasons we will
drudge up so that we can feel less foolish for sitting still with
someone who is giving us only what they have to in order to get what
they want. Make no mistake, if this man wanted you, he would have you.
He would have all of you. He would move Summerland and Earth to get to
you. He would stay awake analyzing every last conversation and thinking
of when you will call next just as you do. Men do not love all that
different from women. If he is not doing these things much less even
showing the slightest concern as to when he can be in your presence next
its because its not of a high enough priority for him.
But how can that be!!!! He loves us so!!!! No, he doesn't. If you would like further information on that topic see this blogIn truth you do not truly love him either. You love the idea of him.
You love the fractions of himself that he shows to you but you cannot
love someone fully when you only receive them partially. They become a
challenge to us. How dare they not fall at our feet as we so desire them
to! How dare we not be able to understand them, "get" them or otherwise
break their code!!! It becomes about loving the potential, needing to
beat the challenge that he has become and justifying our actions by
claiming we are hopelessly and madly in love with them.
Patterns are very difficult to
break, I will grant everyone that. They are not, however, impossible to
break. Whether that is trying to break your own pattern so that perhaps
he gets a clue and breaks his or if your breaking your pattern for the
benefit of self preservation. Either way you are in control of what
happens to you. Bending over backwards to appease and be there when he
needs you meanwhile you get nothing in return save for those brief few
moments is no way to live. If you want to continue to just hand out your
self respect for free to those willing to take it then by all means
continue. Just do not do it anticipating a return on your efforts
because if he were to give one he would have done so by now.
Casual relationships, which is
what those who find themselves in this article are indeed in, are fickle
and sometimes dangerous creatures. If you can divorce emotionality from
the physical act then you are on easy street. You are able to enjoy the
encounter for what it is and do not spend countless hours crying into
your pillow because of what it is not. One can enjoy these relationships
and the experiences they offer without needing to fight tooth and nail
for evolution. If, however, you are not able to divorce emotion from the
physical act, if your intentions are not for things to stay the same
rather to eventually change then casual relationships are not for you.
This notion that something is
better than nothing in this case absolutely does not apply. If you are
putting up with less than you deserve and giving in hopes of finally
getting it is not healthy to continue in something simply because the
alternative is letting go. Not only does it take a massive toll on your
self respect and esteem but it holds you back from finding true love
with the person you are meant to have it with. The notion that you will
never love another again is ridicules. You will. Especially once you
begin to unravel the facade you created and begin to see him, your
feelings for him and the connection you had for what it was in truth.
It
can be hard work letting go, unraveling that facade and choosing
yourself over another. It can sometimes take years to get back what you
gave away so freely. It is, however, a very necessary and a very pivotal
challenge you must embrace if you hope to have an enduring love.
Relationships
are not meant to be extraordinarily difficult. Yes there are issues and
obstacles and its not always easy street but its also not always the
life of hard knocks.If the more you try the harder it gets stop trying
to fit a square peg in a round hole. Take a look around. As yourself
some real questions and give yourself some real answers and by all means
take the hint!