I receive several calls a week from women who are in love with – and having an affair with – a married man. Their query is usually about when he is going to leave his wife so that they can be together. Sometimes, the couple has been “dating” for several years, sometimes for only a few months.
I believe that we must base life-altering decisions not only on intuition, but on the facts. Take his family situation: Are there young children at home? Is a divorce going to cost him a ton of bucks? Is he promising to “file”? (One doesn’t usually promise to file – one just does it after much deliberation and counseling. The “promise to file” should not be taken seriously until the deed is done.) Are his children under 18? Has he been married to the same woman for many years, and are they in their senior years? All of these are questions need to be probed, and are indicators that a divorce will not be forthcoming.
Love is not just “a feeling,” although that “feeling/connection” is an important aspect of a long-term relationship. Love is a bonding, a sharing of two lives, the building of a life together. It’s sharing in the every-dayness of life, going shopping together, eating at your favorite restaurants, taking trips to exciting and romantic places, saving for retirement. A relationship is a safe haven for two people where one can spill the beans and tell on themselves about their fears, past mistakes, hopes and dreams … and all of that wonderful stuff. A committed relationship can be the most inspiring and stimulating aspect of life. I believe that we are always trying to heal our relationships with ourselves, and a committed relationship with another can support that lifetime of healing, helping us to become acquainted with aspects of our divine nature that have been hitherto hidden. Ah, the glories of love!
Beginnings are wonderful – they are exciting and stimulating and oftentimes catapult us into a state of ecstasy. Just the thought of the other person opens our hearts as the inner music of life begins. That “feeling” often convinces us that we are in love, and, once experienced, will send many of us on a lifetime search for “the one.” The beginning usually lasts about three months, but for those who are having an affair with a married man, it usually lasts throughout the length of the relationship, because we never get to first base – we are stuck at home plate, waiting for that home run of marriage. We don’t evolve and grow as a couple, except in the context of the hidden drama of the affair. Most times, marriage doesn’t happen. Really! It just doesn’t happen. But hope springs eternal in the human heart – it is the dream that is the hook. That “feeling” is actually biochemistry or oxytocin, a powerful hormone that feels wonderful, whose effects masquerade as love … the feeling that you have found “the one,” “the connection,” your “soulmate.”
So, for those who are enchanted and dancing in the ecstasy of “the connection,” I say: Accept the possibility that this is as good as it gets, because he is not going to leave his wife. And if he is going to leave her, you need to call a moratorium on the relationship until he does. Otherwise, you’re living in a dream that may or may not come true.
We all know the power of “that feeling,” “the connection.” It’s intoxicating. So I advise women to not give away their power to a promise that may or may not be fulfilled.
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