Time and time again I help clients through relationships where they have busted their backsides to please their partner and yet find their needs completely unmet. They cry, stomp their feet, get angry and upset that they are not getting what they want from this person despite all their hard work. "Why doesn't he/she love me back". "Why wont he/she commit to me". "What more do I need to do!!!". If you have found yourself repeating these very same questions to yourself, please read on.
People tend to give us what we make clear we want. In a balanced relationship both partners give and take equally. Sometimes its 80/20 but typically it doesn't stay in that imbalance for very long. When that imbalance becomes the norm for your relationship there is a real issue. This is when one partner is living the high life, getting all their needs and then some met and feeling that they have it made! Meanwhile the other partner is busy tending to those needs to the neglect of their own and wondering why they feel rather exhausted and emotionally drained and wanting.
There is such a thing as giving to a fault. When we find ourselves mixed up with someone who enjoys all you have to offer but fails to give back we can get caught up in the trap of trying to change that person or the situation.
Sometimes this is possible. Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are not pulling our weight and we will do more. Other times the issue is deeper than that and change is not possible. These could simply be people who enjoy that type of relationship and frequently seek out those who will give it to them. They are fine and comfortable with being selfish and an emotional vampire...they only want to take, and their intention is never to give back.
With the latter sort it matters not how loyal and dutiful you are to/for them. Time and time again I see people who believe that if they just give a little more, or bend even further backwards that suddenly their partner will turn around, eyes wide, and see the light. Even in the face of what could be complete neglect and even lack of commitment they give as though this were someone to whom they "owed" something. Its this very practice, giving to a fault, that not only furthers the negative patterns but systematically destroys both your chances of getting what you need from this relationship and your self worth.
As I said early on not all relationships are 50/50 all the time. Sometimes one person needs more than another but that period of time should not be lengthy and should end. If it doesn't then there needs to be some open and honest communication about what you require from the relationship. Do not assume your partner knows what you want. If we ask for nothing specific then we really cannot be too upset when those things we want are not given. Do not stay silent for fear that if you are vocal about your needs that suddenly he or she will go MIA or become rather cold and distant from you. If this is their chosen reaction does this not tell you invaluable amounts of information about them as a person and their feelings of respect towards you?
As I mentioned above typically when faced with a discussion such as the one described your partner should and will apologize for the imbalance and attempt to rectify it. This is someone who truly cares about you, the person, and wants to ensure that you stay in their life. Someone who would throw a fit or otherwise cause trouble because you dared open your mouth and express that you have needs does not. This is someone who only cares about his or her needs. This is there world, you merely rent space upon it.
If you stay silent you only ensure that your needs continue to go unmet. Whether its your voicing your needs and your partner agreeing to meet them or you realizing that they care not about you and will not meet them you need to act as your own advocate. Yes, you can stay silent, try harder and turn the cheek for a while longer but who is served by that? They are, not you. You have to draw the line and then you have to make sure that they do not cross it.
This is when you MUST pay attention to actions, not just words. If they are saying one thing and doing another chances are they are trying to pull the wool over your eyes. You must be attentive to the fact that they have to back up their words with some action and the two must match. If your lover constantly repeats that they "will" do something and yet you never see any consistent and sustainable action behind that "will" then should you really anticipate that suddenly a new surge of effort is going to come from them?
In love, especially, its important to take off the rose colored glasses. Giving to a fault because you would rather deal with morsels from the one you love than have nothing at all is not only horrifically detrimental to your sense of self respect but it does nothing to create a healthy and functioning relationship. We can love someone and realize that they are not meeting our needs. We can love someone and understand that they seem to love us just a bit less and that is ok. If someone does not place your needs along side their own, if not above their own , then you need to call a spade a spade and stop pretending that you can change this person. If they do not begin to match action to words after the first conversation regarding this do not anticipate that a second will do much good. The saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".
Believe it or not you are entirely in control of what sort of relationship you have and whether your needs are being met. When you emphasize your needs and their importance you attract the same. If you accept those in your life who are not willing to meet your needs and place their needs above your own you will get more of the same. Take back control and do not let another tell you that your needs are not important!