...Is a fabulous song by the artist
known as Peaches but also the new mantra that I am advising all clients
to begin to both say to themselves and put into practice.
How many times have you been
upset with your lover, boyfriend, husband, whatever only to realize
later it was all for naught? And how many times when you were upset did
you passively aggressively sit back and just fold your arms, huff and
puff and say "nothing" when asked what is wrong? Or how many times you
put your man/woman on blast to your friends and family over their
perceived wrong doing or misbehavior only to completely gloss over if
not downright ignore the issue to them directly?
Chances are quite a few.
Do you realize how many times
someone has come to me upset that they haven't heard from their hearts
desire and began frenetically creating doomsday scenarios for why when
in fact he was simply busy with work? I know it may be hard to conceive
but there are other priorities then seeking your attention and while we
might be sitting at home obsessively planning our next conversation
changes are they are as well but have other fires on the stove to tend
to.
Instead of growing more and
more disgruntled as you wait for that phone call, text or email, cut the
strings. There is no sense trying to predict or prepare for "what if"
when you have no idea why they haven't contacted as frequently as you
would like. When they do make contact instead of jumping down their
throat over not calling ask them what they have been up to. Give them a
chance to actually answer. Its ok to say that you missed them or if its
becoming a habit that they drop off the radar its perfectly acceptable
to ask that communication increase. Its not, however, ok to jump to a
million and sometimes completely ludicrous assumptions and then project
them onto your partner.
Insecurity
plagues everyone, no matter how they like to claim differently. Its not
a problem that perhaps you start to feel insecure when they do not call
when you expected them to or to feel slighted by something they said.
Its not, however, right to be ruled by that insecurity or to behave in a
manner unbecoming an evolved species.
When
you do behave inappropriately or jump down their throats what image do
you feel they are left with? You may be whining about how he made you
feel like (insert here) but he is wondering what you are going to be
like years down the road. Is he going to come home from pulling in an
extra shift and find you sharpening the knives while you glare at him
menacingly? Will you be sitting in the Lazy Boy in the dark doing your
best Glen Close impression? Sometimes its as simple as voicing your
concerns.
If he has been coming home late
ask yourself why. Is money tight? Is he vying for a promotion or dealing
with potential cuts in the work place and is trying to avoid being one
of them? If you cannot come up with a good answer sit them down and
voice your concerns. Try to avoid the pitfalls of saying "you, you,
YOU!" as this will only increase the odds of their taking a defensive
position. Instead ask that perhaps the time you do have together be used
more effectively. Ask if perhaps on the day off you two share that you
do something just the two of you?
What is most important aside
from not allowing yourself to be ruled with unabated insecurity is to
not take everything so personally. Rough up that sensitive skin a bit
and learn to take ego out of it. Believe it or not but to pain you, to
cause you harm, to do you wrong, to mislead you isn't necessarily behind
their every action, inaction or word. What you might take offense to
might be easily rectified by voicing how you feel and giving them an
opportunity to explain what they meant. Perhaps, GASP, you took it the
wrong way!!!! Perhaps they didn't mean to offend you. The issue could be
resolved in the blink of the eye if dealt with directly instead of
becoming so filled with ego and huffing and puffing like a two year old
child. If they haven't been as present or communicative do not assume
its to wrong you. If they are doing it to wrong you then that is another
article on its own but in this case lets assume they are not. If you
need more communication, if they are working too hard or too long or not
giving you enough attention then let them know.
All
relationships essentially boil down to 1) being and behaving as adults
and 2) communicating. I dont care what they have done or not done for/to
you if your response is to behave irrationally then you are just as
guilty as they are of the perceived wrong doing. Remember that one
behavior begets another. One emotion begets another. If your go to
response is to believe the worst and get your panties in a bunch then
not only will nothing be solved but chances are more discord will
result. If you value this man or woman and want them to be a part of
your future then its essential you remember to behave in the same manner
you wish to be treated. Lest you want them to start climbing the walls
because you didnt respond to their text in less than an hour or to
accuse you of going out of their way to hurt you every time you open
your mouth then it might be best to keep that in mind the next time you
find your own paranoia rising.
I
will save you from having to call back all those friends and family
members you rang when you were "certain" he was having an affair with
his secretary when in truth he had a last minute project to complete
before the weekend. Awkward....