Relationships are not easy. Even
the best connections are faced with obstacles, differences and issues
from time to time. One of the most seen scenarios in my line of work is
watching as two people butt heads when the rules to their relationship
begin to shift.
These days there
doesn't seem to be a clear paradigm for dating. Two people get
together, go out a few times, perhaps begin a sexual relationship and
the conversation of just what is going on typically is pushed back for a
later date. If this scenario follows the rather predictable turn of
events then this results in one person falling further and faster than
the other and wanting to know what is going on but feeling unable to do
so...or disappointed when they do and find that the person they are
falling for is not on the same page as them.
Its
important to get that conversation out of the way, right away. If
you're looking for a relationship that is going to go from casual (which
is were most should and do start from) to serious with long term
implications then you need to make that clear from the start. Of course
this assumes that you know what it is that you want in a relationship,
if you don't, then I would suggest forgoing any dating until you have
figured that out. See this post if you fall into this category.
For those of you who know that
you may be open to a casual, no strings, right now, but will be
interested in more in the future then you need to specify this as well.
There is nothing more detrimental to ones mental and emotional health
than to just assume that two people will grow to be on the same page.
This is a common error that I see women make day in and day out. You
MUST be CLEAR on what you want. Do not expect the person your dating or
interested in to read your mind. Not only will he not do so but chances
are he will continue to take from the connection so long as you are
willing to give and think nothing of it. Men do not analyze things the
way most women do. While women think that its "natural" for two people
to either grow apart or grow closer together men often see a situation
where nothing is verbally expected of them and thus they are riding the
gravy train.
If you want
something, SPEAK UP! If you are starting to date someone who has been
out of a relationship for several years and they say they are not
looking for something serious then use your head. Firstly make it clear
if you are hoping for a serious relationship, if even down the road.
Also try to put two and two together. A man who has been out of a
relationship for several years and makes it clear he is not looking for
something with strings then chances are what he is really saying is
"been there, done that and burned the t-shirt"!
Do
not fall victim to the mentality MANY of us do or have done...feeling
that you are special enough to change him or an exception to the rule.
You're not. In fact if your mindset is that you can change him then
chances are you are just like the bevvy of women who preceded you. You
are in control of who and what you invite into your life. Are you going
to be coy and invite uncertainty and possible disappointment or are you
going to be clear and concise and start getting what you want? If he
says he is not looking for something serious and you know in the future
you want that, then dont waste your time or efforts thinking that some
how you will change his relationship goals. Save that emotion and effort
on someone who is going to be willing to evolve with you.
If you find that your already in
a situation past the point of prevention then its time to evaluate. If
your not getting what you want then its time to sit down for a little
discussion. Be mindful that if you start talking about wanting a full
relationship with commitment and evolution he may look at you like
you've grown a second nose in the middle of your forehead. Be mindful.
This is not entirely his fault. Yes, you care and want things to develop
further and it might burn that he may not but remember that if you did
as I described above and started this connection based on the premise of
no strings then do not be surprised when he still is operating under
that rule. You cannot blame him for operating under the original set of
rules even if you changed yours some where down the line.
A good rule of thumb to follow
as well...do not say things for the purpose of reaction. If you are
thinking of telling him you are done and pulling the plug hoping he
grovels and suddenly opens his eyes, seeing the light, then save your
breath and just write it in your dairy. Not only can most men sense when
you are bluffing (they may have even invented the art form) but they
will eventually find out when you come groveling back because he didnt
respond in the way you hoped (thought) he would. If you dont like games
being played on you then dont play them. If your going to say something
regarding ending the relationship then you better be sure you mean it
and are prepared to back it up. If you are not then its best to bite
your tongue and wait until you find more stable and sure ground.
With relationships being
inherently difficult at times why is it that we make them more so? Its
almost as if, afraid of the possible reaction, we keep our wants and
needs tucked very neatly within ourselves and then question and complain
when none of our desires are met. Respect is respect, no matter whether
the relationship is serious or if its just casual in nature. If you're
not being respected with reciprocation or find that you do not feel
comfortable with stating your desires for the relationship aloud then
just what is it that your working so hard for? I for one cannot imagine
being in such a one-sided and insecure relationship.
Though
our hearts may wish to hold out for even the slimmest hope the facts
are the facts. When you are clear with what it is that you want and are
able to express yourself clearly in a relationship you are in fact
building a foundation for any possible future that may occur.
Its
absolute emotional suicide to sit back and keep quiet because you would
rather have the morsels of this persons attention and affection than
risk having nothing at all.
Yes,
relationships are difficult but they can be easier to navigate when you
keep your wits about you and make sure to be clear and stay away from
needless games that do not result in what you want. Now, some games are
definitely called for in certain situations, but that is another post on
its own!
Have a wonderful, prosperous and amazing Wednesday evening!
Blessed BE!