Lately, I've been tested in a number of different ways. My interpersonal relationships have been stretched, tangled and twisted. Some have been pushed to their limits, others have been frayed, and some, yes, some...have been broken.
I've never been adept at letting go! In fact, despite my empathic gifts, I rather suck at it. I hold on, clench and clutch sometimes. And not only is this horrible for the person I'm holding onto, it's an obstacle to me. It smothers me, as well as the other person.
When we're in the throes of a relationship, situation, or time, ending, we tend to feel very uncomfortable with the change. It's as if it causes a crack underneath our foundation and makes our footing unstable. We don't like it. Even though I am one that totally embraces change, and I love it, there's something dangerous and frightening about it, as well as exciting. And although we may be welcoming the changes, we fear letting go of all we know. The routine. The pattern. The habit.
Recently, an ex came back into my life. I struggle with this particular relationship in many ways. Though it's a headache and a heartache to me, it has had it's benefits. Without this particular person I never would've ventured down the path I'm on now. In search of an answer, clarity, and relief from some incredibly intense pain, I found solace in the universe and in spiritual practice. I thank this man for this. But, I also realize that this relationship is not only dysfunctional and unhealthy. I then started to think of all the spiritual teachers I, myself, have turned to. I reflected on the words of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Cheryl Richardson, and Louise Hay, and even Tyler Perry's Madea....People enter for a lifetime or a season. But one thing I'm certain of is that though relationships require work, they also shouldn't be the arduous struggle they have been in my life.
I now look at if the person (i.e. friend, lover, family) is causing me more tears than smiles. If I spend more time worrying over how they feel about "us" rather than how they are MAKING me feel. I realized that a number of people in my life were more destructive to my own esteem than my worth. And they were not appreciating me as a person.
Sitting outside one day I stared, focused, on this flower. Next to the flower were other flowers that had poked through the soil but weren't blossoming yet like the one flower I was focused upon. I could hear whispers coming in as my mind was focused on my relationship. I was struggling. Really struggling with what to do, how to proceed, and forced to face the prospect that I would not have the relationship I wanted in my life with this man. I knew it was time to let go. But I kept reflecting on what was wrong, and how I could possibly salvage this horrendous union. Though my mind told me to let go my heart was so anchored and fixed on this man that it was breaking.
As I stared at the flower, yet my mind asked numerous questions of the universe in search of answers, the whispers grew louder. My guides were answering me. They weren't just answering me with direct yes, no answers, they were actually speaking to me as if they were writing a fortune cookie. It was rather poetic, actually. I heard:
"Flowers don't struggle to grow. They just do. All they need is water, soil and sunlight, and their evolution begins from seed to weed. If they do not receive these things they become weak, whither and die. But if tended to properly and with love, they will continue to grow and thrive...."
I then began to think about my needs. What were they? What did I need to flourish? Was I getting any of them fulfilled? No. I wasn't. And this aching I felt in my heart and in my spirit was my soul actually withering. The pain I was feeling was like a slow death. I needed rich soil under my feet. I needed nourishment, and I needed sunlight on my face, not shade. My needs and wants were simple, yet I was struggling. I also realized that not only was this man not giving me what I needed, but neither was I. By holding on, I was starving myself. I was so focused on HIM and HIS needs, I had completely neglected my own. And not to mention, I was tending to my garden (relationship) far too much. I was constantly watering it, over watering it, pouring more and more of myself into it, yet I was disappearing. I was pulling one weed after another in an attempt to keep it clear of obstacles. Not only was I spending so much time doing these things, I was standing over it, hovering and not allowing the sunlight in. I kept digging up the roots checking to see if they were still there and anchored and growing. I pulled the petals off dissecting and completely destroying the natural, organic beauty. I had tended to it too much, and I caused my damage to myself by not just letting it be. I clutched the stem so hard that the thorns were embedded into my hands, and I bled. It was time to Let...it....go!
As I made the decision to walk away my guides came back in....
"....just let it be. Stop tending to it. Step back. Let nature take it's course. Stop forcing a square peg into a round hole. Because in the end, what's going to be will be without any help from you..."
This actually released me. I felt a wave of joy pass through me. I do believe in the universe. I have faith and I have unwavering devotion to the divine. I KNOW I am guided and protected, and I know I will be led to where I need to be, with whom I should be with, and surrounded by love if I let go of that which does not feed me. I'm guided by my feelings, as we all are. When you feel good it means you are doing what is supported by the universe in your highest and greatest good. When you are feeling awful it means you should step back, assess and then make decisions.
The most difficult thing to do is to make a decision. But once you make it, the hard part is over. Don't waiver. Don't teeter back and forth. If you can honestly say you've given and done all you can do, and you've done so from a place of love, not manipulation or agenda, and it's still not working, then it is time to change direction, release that which is not working, and be still and listen to the whispers. Trust that you will be guided. Have faith in it. Once you do this, your wishes do manifest rather quickly. It's when we stick our sticky little fingers into it that things go awry.
It reminds me of my favorite quote:
"AT THE MOMENT OF COMMITMENT THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRES TO ASSIST YOU"
Make a commitment to yourself! Put yourself first. Once you do that, and honor it, manifestations are like a locomotive...they will arrive quite quickly!
Namaste
Lisa