Relationships can be difficult. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your first or your 50th. Relationships seem to take us from strong, secure and confident to crying and snotting all over ourselves while we watch 'The Way We Were' for the 5th time whilst popping bon-bons like they were vitamins. Sound familiar? It should; we've all been there. We have all dealt with painful breakups, rejection, unrequited love and the like.
We have all dealt with lovers who would just assume walk out of our lives as they would walk in them. And the vast majority of us have allowed them.
Why? It’s hard to say. Is the sex that good? Do they sufficiently fill the void that we should be filling for ourselves? Do they provide us with the façade of a healthy relationship? Maybe were locked into putting forth effort on account of the “potential” of the relationship and not so much the actuality of it.
No matter the reason the fact is its time to put on our big girl panties and stop accepting less and expecting more. What does this phrase “accepting less and expecting more” mean? It speaks to the habit of turning our cheek when someone gives little and takes more. It is about the tendency of women (and sometimes men as well) to bend over backwards thinking that it’s going to suddenly open their eyes. It’s giving to a fault and then wondering why the hell you feel like you were rode hard and put away wet.
STOP! Right now! Stop giving. Stop laying in bed with your cell phone in your hand, hair ratted to your face and holding your breath for that call. Stop blaming yourself and saying “why doesn’t he love me, what’s wrong with me!” People treat us how we tell them to. If we accept mistreatment they will continue to mistreat us just as if we demand respect and accept nothing less than we get it.
Their leaving, or being in and out or rejecting you isn’t about something you did or didn’t do. It’s not about something you said or didn’t say. In truth it’s likely their issue and you were just the person they projected it upon this week/month/year.
“But isn’t there something I can do to change it?” Sure, if you want to get instant gratification and want to hand your self respect over to them on a silver platter. Are there things you can do to subtly tweak things? Absolutely; but it has to be done for the right reasons. If you are changing to try to fit a mold you ‘think’ they want you in then you might as well bend over and say “Ahhhhh”. If, however, you are tired of accepting less and so you begin to change your response to things then you not only heal the self and empower the self but you also help to promote what change might be possible in the relationship.
This has to come from a desire to assist the self, however, not to change for “them”. Why? Because your broadcast changes. When you start putting focus, attention and effort towards the self, you are NOT putting it towards them. Guess who feels that lack? Guess who feels a bit more insecure that maybe you are not a source of limitless support? Yep, you got it, THEY DO! Does this mean that the first little extra effort they give you should drop the changes and let them back in without restriction? NO! Real and lasting change doesn’t happen overnight. It sometimes doesn’t even happen in 12 nights. Some say that for you to change something and make it a habit it takes 21 days. You have to see if they are bringing forth a bit of extra effort because they are a little nervous and just want to check that you are still their personal doormat or if they are starting to actually get it that you are not going to stand around forever while they mistreat you.
If they do not come forth with sustainable effort and change themselves then what are you really out of? Accepting less simply because they are a warm body next to you occasionally isn’t sufficient. You deserve better. You deserve respect and a healthy relationship and you can get it if you stop sitting around saying “well maybe this times it’s different.” It’s not.
We have to remember that if we do not take care of ourselves then no one will. We will begin to fall apart and will send out a broadcast that essentially tells others you have “use me” tattooed on your forehead. Whether you were left, or did the leaving. No matter if you were rejected or dealt with an in and out lover…ultimately pain is pain. The only way to learn, stop the pattern and pain and heal is through self respect and reverence. Worship the self for awhile and see how that changes your broadcast and thus those you attract into your life. It can mean the difference between yet another failed relationship and absolute and pure bliss.
~Bless~