Everyone has a pattern when they are
hurt. Some people grab a pint of ice-cream and proceed to down the
entire thing..some people call up their friends and head out on the town
for some food and drinks, others may even decided to rent bad 80's
flicks and stay indoors for the entire weekend, speaking to no one.
These are things we do that help us to ground and center, to release and refocus.
What
happens, however, when the things we do to bring ourselves back into
alignment after a break up cause us more harm than good? There are
numerous potentials here but I am speaking mainly towards our desire to
jump from one relationship into another. Why do we do this, what
ramifications does it have and what can be done to stop the pattern?
Lets explore....
When some hurts us, whether its
through ending a relationship, coming in and out...or any of the many
toxic behaviors which we encounter in love we sometimes have a tendency
to think that another relationship will save the day. We have a hole, a
void and we need it filled.
One
of the most frustrating things is when I have to do a reading on a break
up or toxic love situation and immediately there after they question
about new love. Its human nature, this I understand. I also understand
the inherent flaw in that logic.
When we jump from one
relationship into another we give ourselves no time to heal. We give
ourselves no time to reflect on the relationship. It gives us no time to
LEARN. So what happens? We end up attracting more of the same. If we
were with someone who used us we tend to attract another user. If we
were with someone who couldn't commit we end up attracting another free
bird. If we dealt with cheating we draw forth another cheater.
This happens because we take no
time to assess and learn. Our relationships, whether they end well or
badly are all learning experiences. They tell us about who we are, what
we want, what we don't want, what we can tolerate and what we cannot. We
learn about how we might have allowed certain things to happen to us or
how we perhaps aided to the overall demise of the relationship. What
mistakes did we make? What mistakes did they make? Did we turn the
cheek, preferring the bliss of ignorance?
These things give us the means
to ensure we do not repeat the same patterns, attracting the same people
and going through the same vicious cycle over and over again. The even
better part? While we are taking the time to actually look through
these, and yes it does take time, we also are healing. WE are filling
the void in us. We are learning to be self sufficient not just in the
physical sense but the emotional sense. We are allowing ourselves the
time to ground and center, learn and heal.
It takes time. I know this is
pretty much the phrase of dread for anyone in a break up or toxic love
situation but its a very simple, very unavoidable fact. Yes, you can try
to skirt the time, move around the things you should be doing or facing
instead of going through them but what does this serve? Getting back in
the dating scene immediately after doesn't make you healed. It will not
make you whole. The only thing that will make you hold is going through
what is in the way. "What is in the way IS the way", my mentor says and
it really is true. To get to where we want to go, who we want to be and
what we want to have we have to tackle the uncomfortable.
Give yourself 6 months. Do not
troll dating sites. Do not ask your friends to hook you up with someone
they know. Do not allow someone who has waltzed in and out of your life
to come back in. Give yourself AT LEAST 6 months to sit still with
yourself. To meditate. To heal. To garden. To spend time alone with a
book....to cry and ask why....to ask yourself what happened and
why....give yourself TIME.
You
will fill your own void, you will learn what you want and want you don't
want. You will learn about mistakes made that you will not venture into
again and you will find healthy love. It requires work, but just like
any relationship even your relationship with yourself as well as your
relationship with love requires nurturing to run at its best.
Sending you blessings and love this day and every day!
Bless!