I've discussed at length some various forms of toxic relationships but I don't think that Ive really paid enough attention towards how we go on after we finally leave them. Mending a broken heart can be one of the single most difficult things we do. There is nothing to put a band-aide on. There is no antiseptic that will stop festering or thwart infection. In fact there is never really any clear cut manual or process for healing...until now.
I think at a certain point we all become experts in a broken heart, and I certainly welcome EVERYONE to comment with their tricks and tools for how you mended YOUR broken heart. What works for one may also work for another and make all the difference in the world to someone in the throws of a broken heart.
So what causes a broken heart? Our lover/partner/husband/wife has left us, sometimes this ending occurred slowly over time, a rather painful and drawn out death, and other times its fast, sudden, and completely out of the blue. I think that no matter how it ends we still feel quite blindsided. The rug gets pulled out from under us, what we thought was true no longer is and suddenly we are left having to pick up the pieces and basically re-form a life that is now drastically different than the one just days ago.
There is a sense of pain that sometimes is deeper than anything we will experience in life, with perhaps a few exceptions. We are left scared, depressed, uncertain, lost, confused, sad, despondent, a myriad of emotions flow through us, sometimes all at once. Sometimes we feel betrayed, either due to someone completely abusing our trust or just feeling as though they handled things in the worst way possible. Sometimes we feel that there is a way of handling these things but I really tend to feel that no matter how you slice it, how tactful you try to be, breaking up and ending a relationship really never feels good, no matter how its done. We are always left feeling like someone ripped our heart out and handed it back to us in pieces.
I think at a certain point we all become experts in a broken heart, and I certainly welcome EVERYONE to comment with their tricks and tools for how you mended YOUR broken heart. What works for one may also work for another and make all the difference in the world to someone in the throws of a broken heart.
So what causes a broken heart? Our lover/partner/husband/wife has left us, sometimes this ending occurred slowly over time, a rather painful and drawn out death, and other times its fast, sudden, and completely out of the blue. I think that no matter how it ends we still feel quite blindsided. The rug gets pulled out from under us, what we thought was true no longer is and suddenly we are left having to pick up the pieces and basically re-form a life that is now drastically different than the one just days ago.
There is a sense of pain that sometimes is deeper than anything we will experience in life, with perhaps a few exceptions. We are left scared, depressed, uncertain, lost, confused, sad, despondent, a myriad of emotions flow through us, sometimes all at once. Sometimes we feel betrayed, either due to someone completely abusing our trust or just feeling as though they handled things in the worst way possible. Sometimes we feel that there is a way of handling these things but I really tend to feel that no matter how you slice it, how tactful you try to be, breaking up and ending a relationship really never feels good, no matter how its done. We are always left feeling like someone ripped our heart out and handed it back to us in pieces.
So what now? What do we do? How do we heal and move forward when all we can think about is them? Our focus is only on what we lost and how we lost it. One of the first things that I try to tell clients and what I have employed for myself is to remember that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Though it can be rather impossible to find this as any consolation I think that starting this affirmation right away helps us to stay focused.
When we are able to accept that 'OK, things didn't work as we hoped, but that IS OK'...we can begin to see what was positive. What lessons did you learn? What can you take from this and apply towards future relationships. I'm not just talking about sitting back and stewing over perceived wrongs, though you are allowed do that as well, in moderation of course! Rather what I am referring to is a very impartial and very fair assessment of how things went. What part in this relationship and break up can you own? What did you learn about this other person and the relationship with them that perhaps tells you a bit about what you want from a future relationship and what you do not want?
This may be difficult at first, and if you need to ease into it, that is absolutely fine! Spend some time allowing the emotions to come. Do not try to shove them away because doing so only results in infection and festering which hampers you on all levels. Instead allow the emotions to rise. Give thanks for the ability to feel! Reflect fondly and yes, even plot out your non-violent revenge in meditation (MODERATION, ladies and gents!!!!).
Call your girlfriends, your boyfriends, your mother, your counselor. Vent and cry and ask for assistance. Like this post is meant to do, there are also those in your life who can offer you incredible support and also advice!
I suggest setting a time frame. Pick a date by which you will stop the wallowing, the self pity, the anger, the full submersion of emotions over you. The reason for this is that its very easy to go from allowing your emotions to rise to full on and complete depression. As Ive already stated moderation is absolutely key in this process. You want to give yourself some time to really grieve but you do not want to make this a process that takes forever. There is no set time for how long it takes to get over something, even after the date you set there will be moments, especially at first, of extreme emotion. But rather than allowing yourself to wallow in it as you did at the start this is going to be the time when you sit back and start to pull yourself up.
Pamper yourself, and do so often! Get back into the gym if you hadn't prior or if you have always been active pick a marathon or race you want to participate in, something to challenge you. Not only does working out release endorphins that will help you mood wise it also improves your body which will improve your confidence. This is also an excellent way of burning off some access stress and anger!
Treat yourself to spa days, or even a half hour massage. If done only once a month, once a quarter or even once every 6 months this is a wonderful way to treat yourself to some serious relaxation.
Start getting yourself back out there. Use the time right after it happens to sit at home eating a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream while watching Old 80's flicks, but now that your date has passed its time to get out there and start socially engaging yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean dating. I am a FIRM believer in getting over one thing or at least healing before starting another. I am talking about going out with girlfriends, or start meeting new friends. Take yourself out to dinner or a movie. Part of healing is also learning that you do not need another to feel comfortable with yourself. Becoming comfortable with ones own company is one of the single most empowering acts you can take.
Give yourself a make-over. Dye your hair, change a bit of how you dress or carry yourself...this doesn't have to be an expensive process, invite some girlfriends or even guy friends over and ask for some assistance. Have a purse and clothing party where everyone brings those things that no longer fits them, or that they no longer wear and start trading! Throw in some wine and finger foods and you have yourself all the ingredients for a wonderful time plus a chance to revamp how you look on a budget!
On a more personal level I always suggest creating a journal. Write your thoughts, your feelings, how you are doing, EVERYTHING. Catalog your journey. Not only will this be therapeutic but it will also serve as a wonderful way to document the evolution and journey that you took on and WON!
Slowly its also important to let go. Stop the blame game. Stop wanting revenge. Stop feeling responsible or guilty. Allow yourself to understand that in the end what will be will be! There is no need to hold grudges. I recently spoke with a great friend of mine who said she realized that though she had broke up with her partner several years ago part of her was still holding on, waiting to witness them getting their just desserts. She refreshingly told me "This isn't letting go!". This is ego, she explained. This was her still holding on to what happened and trying to watch them suffer when in fact she need to just trust that the Universe works whether she is there to witness it or not. Karma is a wonderful thing and when wronged though we may want to watch their demise, we need to trust in karma.
We also need to accept responsibility as well. Nothing happens to us that we do not have a hand in. VERY few, if any, situations are completely beyond our control. Everything that happens to us, good or bad, is due to a decision that we made or didn't make. We could have been wronged, perhaps we thought we were doing the best job we could and still they just left us....well I'm sure that when you sit back and allow yourself to see the relationship from all sides there was SOMETHING to own in the demise. It may simply be that you started to grow too comfortable, or that perhaps you stayed far too long when you too were not happy...but there is ALWAYS something for us to take personal responsibility for as well. It takes two to tango, baby!
Most importantly I believe in being patient with yourself. Emotions, in particular painful ones, are tricky little buggers. Sometimes we are confused by our own emotions! With time, however, we will get through this and become whole again. Though that may seem like a completely impossible destination it will happen. We have the capacity for great strength and great courage and while we may be in this situation not of our own choosing it was still chosen for us and we must embrace the journey that it can take us on. It may seem like a load of crap but sometimes these broken hearts can pave the way for magnificent personal growth and happiness beyond our belief.
If you are struggling in your broken heart please feel free to email or call in. Sometimes we all need the guidance of another to help us navigate paths that seem fraught with obstacles and pitfalls. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some extra assistance in getting through heartbreak.
In love and eternal positivity!
When we are able to accept that 'OK, things didn't work as we hoped, but that IS OK'...we can begin to see what was positive. What lessons did you learn? What can you take from this and apply towards future relationships. I'm not just talking about sitting back and stewing over perceived wrongs, though you are allowed do that as well, in moderation of course! Rather what I am referring to is a very impartial and very fair assessment of how things went. What part in this relationship and break up can you own? What did you learn about this other person and the relationship with them that perhaps tells you a bit about what you want from a future relationship and what you do not want?
This may be difficult at first, and if you need to ease into it, that is absolutely fine! Spend some time allowing the emotions to come. Do not try to shove them away because doing so only results in infection and festering which hampers you on all levels. Instead allow the emotions to rise. Give thanks for the ability to feel! Reflect fondly and yes, even plot out your non-violent revenge in meditation (MODERATION, ladies and gents!!!!).
Call your girlfriends, your boyfriends, your mother, your counselor. Vent and cry and ask for assistance. Like this post is meant to do, there are also those in your life who can offer you incredible support and also advice!
I suggest setting a time frame. Pick a date by which you will stop the wallowing, the self pity, the anger, the full submersion of emotions over you. The reason for this is that its very easy to go from allowing your emotions to rise to full on and complete depression. As Ive already stated moderation is absolutely key in this process. You want to give yourself some time to really grieve but you do not want to make this a process that takes forever. There is no set time for how long it takes to get over something, even after the date you set there will be moments, especially at first, of extreme emotion. But rather than allowing yourself to wallow in it as you did at the start this is going to be the time when you sit back and start to pull yourself up.
Pamper yourself, and do so often! Get back into the gym if you hadn't prior or if you have always been active pick a marathon or race you want to participate in, something to challenge you. Not only does working out release endorphins that will help you mood wise it also improves your body which will improve your confidence. This is also an excellent way of burning off some access stress and anger!
Treat yourself to spa days, or even a half hour massage. If done only once a month, once a quarter or even once every 6 months this is a wonderful way to treat yourself to some serious relaxation.
Start getting yourself back out there. Use the time right after it happens to sit at home eating a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream while watching Old 80's flicks, but now that your date has passed its time to get out there and start socially engaging yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean dating. I am a FIRM believer in getting over one thing or at least healing before starting another. I am talking about going out with girlfriends, or start meeting new friends. Take yourself out to dinner or a movie. Part of healing is also learning that you do not need another to feel comfortable with yourself. Becoming comfortable with ones own company is one of the single most empowering acts you can take.
Give yourself a make-over. Dye your hair, change a bit of how you dress or carry yourself...this doesn't have to be an expensive process, invite some girlfriends or even guy friends over and ask for some assistance. Have a purse and clothing party where everyone brings those things that no longer fits them, or that they no longer wear and start trading! Throw in some wine and finger foods and you have yourself all the ingredients for a wonderful time plus a chance to revamp how you look on a budget!
On a more personal level I always suggest creating a journal. Write your thoughts, your feelings, how you are doing, EVERYTHING. Catalog your journey. Not only will this be therapeutic but it will also serve as a wonderful way to document the evolution and journey that you took on and WON!
Slowly its also important to let go. Stop the blame game. Stop wanting revenge. Stop feeling responsible or guilty. Allow yourself to understand that in the end what will be will be! There is no need to hold grudges. I recently spoke with a great friend of mine who said she realized that though she had broke up with her partner several years ago part of her was still holding on, waiting to witness them getting their just desserts. She refreshingly told me "This isn't letting go!". This is ego, she explained. This was her still holding on to what happened and trying to watch them suffer when in fact she need to just trust that the Universe works whether she is there to witness it or not. Karma is a wonderful thing and when wronged though we may want to watch their demise, we need to trust in karma.
We also need to accept responsibility as well. Nothing happens to us that we do not have a hand in. VERY few, if any, situations are completely beyond our control. Everything that happens to us, good or bad, is due to a decision that we made or didn't make. We could have been wronged, perhaps we thought we were doing the best job we could and still they just left us....well I'm sure that when you sit back and allow yourself to see the relationship from all sides there was SOMETHING to own in the demise. It may simply be that you started to grow too comfortable, or that perhaps you stayed far too long when you too were not happy...but there is ALWAYS something for us to take personal responsibility for as well. It takes two to tango, baby!
Most importantly I believe in being patient with yourself. Emotions, in particular painful ones, are tricky little buggers. Sometimes we are confused by our own emotions! With time, however, we will get through this and become whole again. Though that may seem like a completely impossible destination it will happen. We have the capacity for great strength and great courage and while we may be in this situation not of our own choosing it was still chosen for us and we must embrace the journey that it can take us on. It may seem like a load of crap but sometimes these broken hearts can pave the way for magnificent personal growth and happiness beyond our belief.
If you are struggling in your broken heart please feel free to email or call in. Sometimes we all need the guidance of another to help us navigate paths that seem fraught with obstacles and pitfalls. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some extra assistance in getting through heartbreak.
In love and eternal positivity!