We teach people how to treat us. That is the bottom line, and before you say, “yeah but, I am so supportive and kind”, or “I tell him I don’t like it”, or “he should know”…….. Again we teach people how to treat us. Now this does not excuse bad behavior, gamey behavior or down right meanness. You have a responsibility to treat people with honesty, kindness and respect. That being said, we are the common denominators in our relationships.
I tell my clients frequently, the men who have loved me the best are not the men I have been the kindest to. They are the men I have been myself with. I had said no when I don’t want to go somewhere or stay the night. I haven’t worried whether they like me or not. I paid attention to what they said to me, without being overly sensitive. The reason is because; I knew if they were not good to me there would be no relationship. I was not afraid to be different than they were, to be myself. Most importantly, when they said I don’t want a commitment, I said, "Thanks for telling me", and I didn’t stay.
They were the very same men who tried hard to work out the relationship and show up for me no matter what. There have only been a couple of relationships where this is the case. All you need really is one. One good man or woman who will show up for you and be willing to work out what you need.
Now before I break my arm patting myself on the back, I have had several relationships when I was drinking where I was incapable of being with them in any profound way. So I want to acknowledge relationships that are healthy and long term, must start on some sort of healthy basis. I did not even start working on my mental health until my first relationship in sobriety. I was in my 30’s. Spiritually, I believe what starts in chaos ends in chaos. Even if it does not end, it limps along like a crippled animal. I frankly don’t want to live like that. My clients don’t want to either.
So the first thing you need to know is yourself. RuPaul says, “How in the Hell you gonna love someone else if you don’t love yourself.” I may be paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Then set boundaries, don’t give up your friends, maintain your own dreams, and take it one day at a time. Dating is like trying on shoes, if one doesn’t fit. Find a better pair. Don’t commit too fast, or have sex early on, see how they treat you. Then see how your friends and family are around them. All of these are important parts of your life. Respecting yourself when you date is one of the best ways to start and develop a great love affair. It is the foundation. So make your foundation a strong one. If you have issues, call me, and we can talk about it.