Dwelling is something many of my clients have discussed with me either because they brought it up to me: "Why am I DWELLING so much on him/her/the outcome of things" or because I asked them to stop doing it: "You must not dwell on what the expected outcome of your situation might be". Have you ever heard me say just that to you? Stop dwelling? How do we actually do that and what is the simple explanation of dwelling, anyway?
Dwell (dwĕl)
intr.v. dwelt (dwĕlt) or dwelled, dwell·ing, dwells
1. To live as a resident; reside.
2. To exist in a given place or state: dwell in joy.
3. To fasten one's attention: kept dwelling on what went wrong.
When your spiritual coach or advisor tells you not to "dwell", chances are that she means not to do number three (3). Do not keep dwelling on either the present, the past or the future. Why shouldn't we, you ask? Here are the reasons why:
1) What is dwelling actually doing to keep you actively involved in manifesting an outcome and on relying in your higher power to help you stay in the spiritual guidelines involved in receiving your outcome?
Most of you believe in taking power back in your lives to learn how you can manifest positive future outcomes of your preference. Most of you who do not believe in manifestation via the Law of Attraction (read the book The Secret, if you've never heard of this) strictly believe either in staying within the will of your Higher Power or you may believe in a bit of both. You may believe that the Law of Attraction isn't all there is to it, but neither is pure and simple religious principles/letting God handle things, therefore you do both. Some of you are atheists and probably don't really give a hoot (carry on).Those of you who have read the book or watched the movie, "The Secret" may have been incredibly disappointed when you realized that getting what you want in your life isn't as clear cut as pasting cut outs from a magazine on a cardboard box and then VOILA, your man is back (or a new man has arrived)! The Law of Attraction is much more complicated from a spiritual advisor's standpoint because we understand that it's just not that simple of a thing to do: there is Divine Will, Free Will and Life Lessons (Karma). It is a combination of all three things that create our future. What the Law of Attraction fails to show most of us is that it only works if what we want in our free will is within the will of the DIVINE (your Higher Power) and if we have also learned the KARMA attached to the outcome.
Therefore, the reason dwelling is not helping you at all in manifesting your desired outcome nor in utilizing the Law of Attraction skillfully and appropriately is because you are ONLY using one part of the law of attraction: your free will. You, within your own mind, have decided for yourself that you deserve, want, desire and more importantly, NEED who/what you want right "now". Many of my clients call me in despondent tears over this part. Then the justifications roll in: "But I can't find anyone else and I can't stop thinking about him. I deserve love and he/she does as well." Those are but a few of what I hear from my clients daily. It's the final breaking point in your will. You're hanging on but realize that you hanging on is not truly working, but you keep doing the only thing you know how: dwelling.
That's not how things work, unfortunately. There is a reason that person, job, new car, etc., is not in your life. The reason could be that you or he/she is not ready for it, it could also be that maybe you have a specific karmic lesson to learn first (one common lesson I see occurring is when one is meant to let another person go before they can have him/her back, hence moving past co-dependence and learning to love oneself). Another stumbling block I see in karma is that one or both people are married or in the divorce process. There are many important reasons that your Higher Power may wish for you to stop what you are doing/feeling long enough to hear what needs to be heard from the Divine side of things, and then to allow your actions to follow via learning, before outcomes can be attained. The hardest stumbling block I see quite often is when your "soulmate" simply isn't the one for you. That's a hard one, right?
Before you continue to dwell, stop one moment. Ask yourself could it just possibly be that you're dwelling because you are GRIEVING?That last part of your ego is holding on because you want a relationship with specific someone who is not in a relationship with you SO BADLY. You want it so much that you are willing to hold onto the final thing you have left, being that the person truly isn't communicating much, if at all, there are no visits, there is nothing left but memories, emotions and what many clients like to call "signs". Signs, by the way, do not mean you are meant to be with someone, the majority of the time (although sometimes it is the case). A sign, is nothing but a reflection of how you are feeling. The Universe is reflecting back to you what you want in your reality because in that other person's reality, they cannot be with you or will not be with you. Signs are comforting, but they are for YOU only. They often do not reflect much about the soulmate in question. Could it be, that you are dwelling because that is all you have left of the soulmate?
2. Another important reason you should not dwell is because not only is it not effective in manifesting what you want, it prevents you from grieving. You may say to me, "But I don't want to grieve someone that is coming back!" The fact that your soulmate is not around right now, or the fact that you lost your job that you had put several years into, is actually a loss. Losses require grieving.There are stages to grief. Allow me to outline them for you:
a. Shock and Denial: You are in shock that you were hurt by someone, that you were fired/laid off, that a friend betrayed you, etc. You don't know how to process this shock from pain from someone/something that was SUPPOSED to be. Human beings are conditioned upon awareness of their comfort zones- this makes us feel SAFE. It is quite shocking to have the rug pulled out from underneath us, so we then go into DENIAL.Dwelling can actually be a part of this denial. Why? Because it is easier to dwell and deny the possible truth that someone/something is not meant to be in our path or is temporary, than to face the pain that follows the shock. In other words, dwelling feels better than what comes thereafter, which is immense pain.
b.Pain and/or Guilt>/b>. You begin to hurt so badly that you feel your heart will internally combust. There is no physical pain worse (except perhaps labor, and not so much because we know labor ENDS). Out of desperation to alleviate ourselves from this stage of grief, the pain, we do what? Once again, we dwell. It is safer. It is more comfortable because it gives us a possibly false sense of security. Maybe the person/job/friend is coming back. Maybe this is all a horrible dream. Maybe he or she is thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him/her. Maybe these "signs" are here to show me what will happen and are telling me to be patient and wait on a more positive future. Are you seeing a pattern here?
c. Anger and Bargaining. After a certain amount of logical time, we begin to realize that there is a distinct possibility that we have been hurt and this hurt could be permanent. He or she may not be coming back. We then become angry. We think about all of the time we invested in this person or situation/job. We may feel hurt or used, or even betrayed. However, after this, we STILL would rather not accept the possible truth that the pain is permanent and that this shocking event did indeed occur. So what do we do? We bargain. We pray and plead with our Higher Power. We will do ANYTHING to get that person/job back. We go to therapy, we buy self help books, we plead with our spiritual advisors or life coaches for ways to find peace or closure but secretly, what do we want? Nothing but the safety and security of the love, friendship, etc. that we had before. Therefore, the anger and the bargaining aren't helping (or so we think in the moment), so what do we again do? We dwell. Once again, we return to the safety blanket and suck our thumbs stagnantly in the corner while we remember good memories and smile while we wonder if it could possibly be that all is not lost.
d.Depression, reflection, loneliness. Nothing has helped. The praying, the pleading, the dwelling. We then begin to compare our lives to the lives of others. Why do they have their soulmates? Why are THEY happily married but we got left/hurt? Why do they have a good job? Why are their kids still alive? The list goes on and on and it's easy to do. The reflection on the good times are sometimes still there, but mostly we are now reflecting on what we did wrong in our lives to deserve this agony. We begin to think this is indeed a permanent loss. The loneliness sets in because everyone else seems happy. No one is going through what we are going through. No one could possibly understand. But still, in times that we don't tell our friends, therapists, church clergy or spiritual advisors/coaches, what are we still doing? We are indeed dwelling. Not on the possible outcome so much anymore, but now on our pain. On the sadness.
e. What are the final stages of grief? That my friends, is up to you. Some say it's an "upward turn". Something specific happens that redirects your attention to healthier endeavors. Perhaps a new soulmate arrives who treats you well and is promising, or a new job randomly appears out of the blue, a new friend comes into your life that is funny and uplifting. I would be entirely dishonest with you, however, if I told you that happened as the happy ending in the majority of clients with whom I work. The harder truth is that it is often NOT an upward turn of events that pull people out of the final stages of grief. It is, instead, an upward turn of the HEART. An upwards turn of the THOUGHTS in one's mind, and hence, the energy of this person that is projected back into the Universe. The person begins to understand and accept that the pain that occurred happened for reasons and they begin to seek out those reasons. They seek answers, and they receive those answers. And then, they do not dwell, but they accept those answers.
Now that we have a more clear understand of what dwelling is and why we shouldn't do it, let's talk about how we can find ways to not dwell:
1. Texting/calling/emailing/voicemailing: Just don't. If the dwelling is regarding a breakup of a friendship or romantic partner,it is important to take the person who broke up with you at face value. Why? To do anything but this would be to disrespect who they are as a human being. If you told someone once that you didn't want the relationship anymore, wouldn't you want them to believe that you meant it? Wouldn't you want people to give you the space, time and trust to believe you meant it? Even if you didn't mean it permanently and you just need some space, wouldn't you expect that person to give you that space by not texting, calling or emailing?
Even if your partner or friend just dropped off the face of the planet, don't try to justify your texts, emails and calls to them by saying, "But they owe me an explanation.They could be dead, sick or dying!" While it is respectful of them to give you an explanation, it would be a gift, not a requirement. Sadly enough, some people aren't emotionally mature enough to know how to ask for space or breakup with you. Therefore, do not do the work for them. Give them that space and time, whether it ends up being temporary space or permanent. Give YOURSELF the gift of closure by allowing your heart to move on. In other words, if they didn't tell you whether it's permanent, pretend like it is. Why? Because no one deserve the pain and agony of living in limbo.
Many of you might respond, "But if I let go of him/her, then I will never give him/her another chance if he/she returns. I know this". Do you? Do you know how your Higher Power will impress upon your heart in the future? In other words, are you omniscient like God is? Be willing to let go and let God.
A new client of mine recently told me, "This may sound crazy, but to curb the impulse to reach out, I actually put a tiny post it on my phone that says 'DO NOT TEXT!' It works!"
2. Be innovative and creative. Use this time to find YOU. Do all of those things you wanted to do but didn't have time when raising your children, or while in college. Here are some golden words from the same beautiful client I mentioned above. "Pursue goals, be creative. At 52, I am finally going to record one of my songs. And I am taking a Japanese course to further my skills. Taking the focus off him and putting it on me is actually key." Court yourself. Sounds corny, right? However, how can either your current or a new soulmate love you if you've lost yourself? Use this time to take YOURSELF out to eat at a fancy restaurant or see the latest movie you're curious about.
3. Get out of your comfort zone. The strange truth that I've learned via helping you fabulous ladies and gentlemen these past 13 years is that there are REASONS why your relationships aren't working. Reflection via prayer, meditation, self exploration, etc. is important. However, the statement from Susan Powter, the spikey-haired exercise lady who made us all stop and wonder, has a ring of truth to it. If something isn't working in our lives, why are we doing it over and over again? That's insane! If you keep going back to exes, stop. If you are stuck on the same soulmate and he is not with you, stop. Reflect upon what isn't working, and change it. Getting out of your comfort zone is the best way to stop the insanity. Get on a dating site, or join a meet and greet type of group. Go to dance classes. Run a marathon. Take a martial arts class. You'd be surprised what wonderful things happen when you stop saying, "I can't do that. That's not the way I operate". Because ladies, unless the pizza man or the UPS man becomes the way you "operate" you won't meet any men by going to work and then coming home to sulk.
4. Get your brain wrapped around new ideas. Here is another quote from my client, C: "I am not ready to date yet, but just introducing the idea to my brain has worked wonders on helping me to disconnect from my soulmate. Anyone can set up a profile on match.com and "search for free" without actually subscribing. I have already chosen four "Favorites" - a couple of whom I may actually pursue on the near future, which even entertaining the notion of is a HUGE step in progress for me." She has a good point. Before you actually say, "Ok I'm ready to date", try just praying or meditating about it. ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE is not just a biblical concept. It is the law of energy that makes this world go round. Try asking your Higher Power/The Universe for love in your life/a new job with better hours or more pay/better friends. If you ask, generally, you are not attaching a NAME to your question to God. You are thereby showing a huge amount of trust in your Higher Power to give you the love, the friend or the job that is actually right for YOU, instead of choosing it yourself. Do you realizing how FREEING this feels when you do it? I urge you to give it a try today. Getting on a dating site, joining a meetup group, applying for new jobs, going to a mommy playgroup to find a new friend, etc-- all of that is affirming the prayer you just prayed. It is a way of showing action, as well. "Faith without works is dead". This is a Universal concept, not just a biblical one. Give it a try!
5.Creative visualization is a wonderful technique to try.Your emotions become your thoughts. Your thoughts end up causing emotions that are reflected back at you from the Universe. Try to visualize what you want in your life. Practice this in meditation as often as possible. Shakti Gawain wrote a very powerful guide in her book, "Creative Visualization". Here are more thoughts from my client C about this: "Okay, this one might be a little too woo-woo/out there for most of your clientele, but it was amazingly effective for me! Sometimes things come to me visually, and as I was lying in the bathtub with my eyes closed, asking for help with my "separation" process, I vividly envisioned my heart, with two openings. One for receiving, the other for giving. I saw my giving side, and I pictured all of the light, love, support, time, energy and attention I have given this man without reciprocity - literally golden, radiant light streaming from this opening towards him - and I then saw the clear image of a plug, like a round, rubber sink drain stopper - and in my mind's eye I placed it over this opening, and I actually felt the flow of all those wonderful aforementioned things ceasing to reach him, and flowing back into my own being, for myself. It was an instantaneous change and has lasted!"
6. The tried and true "benefits vs. detriments" list.Once you see in writing the truth of how your life has been and what/who you are dwelling over and WHY, it's an instant reality check. It won't be easy to do while being absolutely honest with yourself. Don't put things under the benefits column, for example, that don't belong there anymore if you're currently not speaking or if you are broken up. Don't put "possible growth opportunity" under the benefits options in your stressful, brain-sucking job if you truly don't know whether or not there will indeed be an opportunity. This list is an option only once you are ready for balls to the wall, no holds barred honesty with yourself. Here is how it worked out for my client C: "Sometimes seeing things in writing really clarifies things. I made two columns, and listed the benefits vs. the detriments of having had this man in my life. Quite eye-opening to see which side accrues more!"
Dwelling is not an easy habit to stop. But once you recognize it for the habit it is, how time consuming and emotionally draining it is, you will be happy you stopped. I'm here as your advisor to help you stop. No lectures. Just love oriented, honest help. One final thought is to consider the first part of the definition of "dwelling", listed above. It says that dwelling is "to live as a resident". Therefore, the actual truth of what you are doing is that you are living a resident inside of your own emotion. Dwelling. You are a prisoner to it. Break free!
*Pamela*