In reading for many clients, of all walks of life, over the years, I've found many are thrown into upheaval when what they thought to be true unfolded into the complete opposite.
Many times I hear my clients (mostly women) complain how men are not honest with them. If I had a dime for every woman, including myself, who had said, "Why can't he just tell me the truth?" I'd be wealthier than Oprah. Women crave honesty. They seek it. They desperately want the men in their lives to be upfront, and honest. But, many times, I've noticed, witnessed, and counseled women who have begged for this quality then receive it and they cannot handle it!
Now, there is something to be said from the old saying, "Truth hurts", and it does. But, at least it's the truth. It's not the truth that hurts. What is painful is when you get the answer you really don't want. It's your expectation that has been disappointed. Many want the truth, but they want the answers they are expecting.
I have many clients who have come to me looking for answers, and when I hear their story or the chaos they are embroiled in it's crystal clear that it's really not an intuitive they need, but rather they need to listen to what is being said, not what it is they are wanting to hear. The man in their life has been upfront and very clear. He's said, "I want you...I just don't want a relationship", and now the woman is hearing if she gives him sex, attention, cooks and cleans for him, sticks around, he will eventually change his mind. That may happen, but the odds are, it will not. Women seem to think that if they put up with enough garbage, or wait it out long enough that the man will awake one day, literally, rise from bed and think how much he loves this woman and come to his senses. That is rare. It just does not happen.
When you ask a man for truth, you do get it, he may not lay it out as you wish he would, but I've noticed many don't really hear what is being said. A man can desire you, and enjoy your company, but not necessarily want a 24/7 relationship. He may want to spend time with you, enjoy your companionship and even your body, but he is not wanting to be confined.
Now, this is usually when a woman SNAPS! She will be outraged and clearly wounded and feel she's being used. I need to say this bluntly as there is noway to skirt around this issue....Ready? Buckle up, here goes! NO ONE CAN USE YOU IF YOU DO NOT ALLOW IT!
If a man is stating that he enjoys your company but does not want a relationship then it's YOUR responsibility to only give what your heart can stand, and what you are willing to give without strings and without condition. What I mean by that is do not sleep with someone you want a relationship with in hopes that he will think you're amazing and commit. It won't happen. Do not become a wife to him before you're even a girlfriend and cook, clean, care for his pets/kids/truck...in hopes that he will think you're amazing and commit. Do not give him all you are in hopes that this man will commit. He won't. Give this person what it is you feel you can without the expectation that he will change.
Too many times I see women give everything they have with this expectation. And many times I'm mopping their tears off my floor and attempting to shed some light on what they are going through. Many times I end up the sounding board, and the whipping post for their pain and anger. As much as I want to assist and comfort, I will not tolerate being the person you wish to impale due to someone else's "perceived" actions. Yes, I said perceived!
This man is not using you, he has told you he doesn't want a relationship, yet your expectation of it turning into one is what made you cook him a meal, take off your clothes, or rearrange your schedule for him, and when all your efforts don't result in what you want, you then scream, "He used me!!!" He did not use you. You had an agenda, you maneuvered around his words and attempted to manipulate the situation to get what you want, then got angry when it didn't work.
We want men to be honest, well, women must be honest as well. I've lived quite a few years, and made many of these mistakes and I can tell you from not only experience, but observation, it never works. Women aren't being honest either. Women give themselves completely when they love, it's just how we are wired. But, if you step back and look for a moment, if you are going to give all of yourself to someone, when they have stated they don't want a relationship, then you cannot blame the other person for taking what you give without offering much back. Do not give it if you're not giving it unconditionally.
I've seen very independent, strong, secure women make relationships like this work for them. They know who they are, what they can give, and where their moral bottom lies. They know that they have needs, some are sexual, and when they sleep with a man, they do so to benefit THAT need, not other needs. When they listen to the words the man is saying, they listen, they don't get their hopes up, nor their expectations. They accept those words, don't try to change it, don't manipulate their actions to get a change. They simply live their lives and continue on as they wish. These women rarely complain because they know this person is not going to give them the relationship they desire, so they do not put their eggs in that basket. They don't view him as Mr. Right. He's Mr. Right now who fulfills other needs (i.e. a companion for dinner; sexual needs; someone to put together their bookshelf or check their oil). There are benefits on her end as well...and in the meantime, she keeps her doors and windows open for that relationship she truly does seek.
Listen to what is being said. Don't hear what it is you want to hear. Don't assume, and remove expectation. Give without condition, and keep your doors open!!!!
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Many times I hear my clients (mostly women) complain how men are not honest with them. If I had a dime for every woman, including myself, who had said, "Why can't he just tell me the truth?" I'd be wealthier than Oprah. Women crave honesty. They seek it. They desperately want the men in their lives to be upfront, and honest. But, many times, I've noticed, witnessed, and counseled women who have begged for this quality then receive it and they cannot handle it!
Now, there is something to be said from the old saying, "Truth hurts", and it does. But, at least it's the truth. It's not the truth that hurts. What is painful is when you get the answer you really don't want. It's your expectation that has been disappointed. Many want the truth, but they want the answers they are expecting.
I have many clients who have come to me looking for answers, and when I hear their story or the chaos they are embroiled in it's crystal clear that it's really not an intuitive they need, but rather they need to listen to what is being said, not what it is they are wanting to hear. The man in their life has been upfront and very clear. He's said, "I want you...I just don't want a relationship", and now the woman is hearing if she gives him sex, attention, cooks and cleans for him, sticks around, he will eventually change his mind. That may happen, but the odds are, it will not. Women seem to think that if they put up with enough garbage, or wait it out long enough that the man will awake one day, literally, rise from bed and think how much he loves this woman and come to his senses. That is rare. It just does not happen.
When you ask a man for truth, you do get it, he may not lay it out as you wish he would, but I've noticed many don't really hear what is being said. A man can desire you, and enjoy your company, but not necessarily want a 24/7 relationship. He may want to spend time with you, enjoy your companionship and even your body, but he is not wanting to be confined.
Now, this is usually when a woman SNAPS! She will be outraged and clearly wounded and feel she's being used. I need to say this bluntly as there is noway to skirt around this issue....Ready? Buckle up, here goes! NO ONE CAN USE YOU IF YOU DO NOT ALLOW IT!
If a man is stating that he enjoys your company but does not want a relationship then it's YOUR responsibility to only give what your heart can stand, and what you are willing to give without strings and without condition. What I mean by that is do not sleep with someone you want a relationship with in hopes that he will think you're amazing and commit. It won't happen. Do not become a wife to him before you're even a girlfriend and cook, clean, care for his pets/kids/truck...in hopes that he will think you're amazing and commit. Do not give him all you are in hopes that this man will commit. He won't. Give this person what it is you feel you can without the expectation that he will change.
Too many times I see women give everything they have with this expectation. And many times I'm mopping their tears off my floor and attempting to shed some light on what they are going through. Many times I end up the sounding board, and the whipping post for their pain and anger. As much as I want to assist and comfort, I will not tolerate being the person you wish to impale due to someone else's "perceived" actions. Yes, I said perceived!
This man is not using you, he has told you he doesn't want a relationship, yet your expectation of it turning into one is what made you cook him a meal, take off your clothes, or rearrange your schedule for him, and when all your efforts don't result in what you want, you then scream, "He used me!!!" He did not use you. You had an agenda, you maneuvered around his words and attempted to manipulate the situation to get what you want, then got angry when it didn't work.
We want men to be honest, well, women must be honest as well. I've lived quite a few years, and made many of these mistakes and I can tell you from not only experience, but observation, it never works. Women aren't being honest either. Women give themselves completely when they love, it's just how we are wired. But, if you step back and look for a moment, if you are going to give all of yourself to someone, when they have stated they don't want a relationship, then you cannot blame the other person for taking what you give without offering much back. Do not give it if you're not giving it unconditionally.
I've seen very independent, strong, secure women make relationships like this work for them. They know who they are, what they can give, and where their moral bottom lies. They know that they have needs, some are sexual, and when they sleep with a man, they do so to benefit THAT need, not other needs. When they listen to the words the man is saying, they listen, they don't get their hopes up, nor their expectations. They accept those words, don't try to change it, don't manipulate their actions to get a change. They simply live their lives and continue on as they wish. These women rarely complain because they know this person is not going to give them the relationship they desire, so they do not put their eggs in that basket. They don't view him as Mr. Right. He's Mr. Right now who fulfills other needs (i.e. a companion for dinner; sexual needs; someone to put together their bookshelf or check their oil). There are benefits on her end as well...and in the meantime, she keeps her doors and windows open for that relationship she truly does seek.
Listen to what is being said. Don't hear what it is you want to hear. Don't assume, and remove expectation. Give without condition, and keep your doors open!!!!