Busting Common Relationship Myths

Though it may at first glance appear quite simple, falling in love is actually anything but. This is even more true when you take into account the faulty information conveyed in many "self-help" guidebooks which aim to help us "guard our hearts" "play the game to get the man" "stay at arms length" and a slue of other completely irrational "techniques". Is it any wonder that men and women alike wander around desperately trying to find and tame a love while simultaneously thwarting their chances at finding/having it? .

Love is inherently a rather unruly beast. Its up, its down its erratic, its completely unpredictable. Dozens of authors write books with the claimed contention that they hope to help you domesticate love. Whether telling you to wait 5 days before calling or to sleep with him on the 4th date as opposed to the 10th or to completely hold off until something shiny is placed on your finger all of this information serves a rather counterproductive purpose. The fact is the more you attempt to domesticate or tame love the more unruly the beast becomes. 

Love creates upheaval, sometimes good and sometimes REALLY bad. There are no guarantees nor are there methods which will make love safer.

How can we learn to love and get out from under the heavy masses of false information which keeps us from moving forward? There are a few major myths which are being thrown around the self-help community in particular which I feel the need to bust.Call this the anti self-help article, if you will

We apparently must live in a society where some how  feelings have become shameful and something to be hidden. There is a rather thin line between trying to suggest ways to properly attract a man/woman and  completely pretending that you are stoic and unfeeling, even when perhaps you are in truth hurting quite badly inside.

We are told in various books, from various "experts" that we are not to express our pain when they act callous. We are not supposed to be honest about the emotions we are developing lest we wish them to leave smoke in their wake. We have to keep ourselves even keeled and completely level headed in the throws of an emotion that is anything but. The notion that we can control or manipulate our feelings while trying to some how make someone fall in love with us really is just a slap in the face to the emotion and what it truly means. Oh, sure, you may be able to keep their interest, for awhile. You may even be able to try to plan a future in such methods but eventually the facade will crack. 

So if you act aloof, pretend things do not bother you when they really drive you up the wall and you manage to actually make this person fall in love with you when then happens when your true self begins to slowly come out? What happens when all of a sudden you dare to express an opinion that may not be agreed with? What happens when you decide to finally let them know that their habit of leaving their socks on the floor or their makeup on the counter is not adored as previously thought but rather something which makes you see red? And most importantly what is the matter with us that we would want someone who is scared off by our feelings dare we show them?

We cannot present a glittered and manufactured version of yourself when you are trying to snag someone and then expect to be able to take off the mask once you have them. And if you do you better expect to see the foundation crack as they are not truly in love with you, the person you are, warts and all, rather they are in love with the facade that you thought they wanted from you.

While I would certainly suggest tempering yourself a bit in the beginning of a relationship to avoid burning up the oxygen between you two I find this particular piece of self-help "advice" to be particularly damaging.  Why on earth would you only want someone who wanted you when you remained just out of his grasp? So many clients come to me to get a reading on the person they are interested in and when done they ask "well what if I don't call him?" or "what if I pretend I'm unfazed, uninterested?" and while sometimes these may instigate change in some people for the most part its a vicious game. Sure you can not call or pretend to be uninterested or not emotionally invested in a relationship but then you risk becoming emotionally dependent or attached to a man who is never going to be available to you no matter what you do. It ends up being a MASSIVE waste of your time because more often then not they are not interested in giving more, they are interested in the game. They want to chase or be chased. They like the challenge of having you back off so that way they can try to "win" your attention again. And trust me, you will give it, because if you are willing to play into such tactics then you are also addicted to the game and are a sucker for what meager little morsels of attention or affection they throw your way...and once in, they will go right back to behaving how they did before...distant, unattached and unaffected. 

A commitment-phobe isn't that way because he or she is waiting for the right one. You are not so special that they are going to throw out endless years of conditioning right out the window so that they can give you a full relationship with all the trappings. You can wait years for them to turn around, see the light and stop playing games but in the end the only one you are hurting is yourself. Someone who is unable to commit themselves to you are also unable to commit themselves to leaving, that is why they stay right on the edges of your life. Those mixed signals that you use as proof that deep down he/she must really care for you? In truth its his showing you that they cannot make up their mind either way. Some days they want you and some days they don't. To me this is NOT love. Love is rather encompassing. Its something which takes hold and just refuses to be ignored. If they wanted you, all of you, they would have it. In truth they are likely lazy...unwilling to deepen the relationship but also unwilling to end it. They will swear on a stack of bibles that they don't want to break up but yet they cannot be bothered to spend time with you or become invested in the intricacies of your life. They will come when they want something or feel lonely but then will be cold, distant and possibly downright insulting other times. This is hopefully so that you do the dirty work for them and end things. When you call him or her out on their bell jar behavior they tell you that you are seeing things, leaving you feeling uncertain, insecure and at times, questioning your own sanity. Waiting around for people like this to give you an adult relationship is like expecting a three month old to master complex algebra. Its not going to happen. Pack up your emotions, save some face not to mention dignity and get the hell out of there before you go from a self assured, independent individual into a blithering and slobbering mess of a human being.

The fact is that these myths along with countless others detract from love, they detract from our ability to have it and they detract, ultimately and perhaps most importantly, from the relationship with the self. We are not inhuman robots with no capacity to feel. We all have needs, no matter how minute or how large. If we spend all our time pretending to be someone else to appease another then we end up not having any clue who we are or what we want. We end up wasting years on those who only take from us and leave us emotionally bankrupt. We end up divorced, lonely and possibly raising children on our own because we realized that the man or woman we romanticized and created in our minds simply never existed.

When you feel something, no matter what it is, you have the right to speak up about it and don't ever allow anyone, be it an author, a friend, or some other so called expert deny you that right. The more you try to walk around regulating your emotions, your needs, and who you are the more you push away someone who would be the right fit for you. Love goes after what is unique about you. When you hide that you hide that which love binds to. When you manipulate yourself and your emotions to such a degree that you don't know your ass from your elbow you are saying that who you are, what makes you unique is not lovable...and that to be lovable you have to change to fit their ideal.

Rather than wasting time on ineffective worries such as when you should call him or when is the right time to have sex or why didn't he call after our date spend time tending to those things which make YOU who you are. Its important that we tend to ourselves and make ourselves feel good, alive and confident so that we can attract someone who will do the same. Doing that will bring forth someone who will lead our lives into new and creative directions and help to feed our lives in a beneficial way rather than sucking the life right from us. 

Rather than worrying about why some deadbeat who cannot be bothered to call doesn't like/love you be selective about who you allow in your life. Who we love and are intimate with shape our lives in more ways than one and you should always be absolutely certain that they will respect you and your life enough to shape it in a positive way. That way should you run up against someone who doesn't impart that respect you can instead tell them where to go instead of climbing curtains and self destructing. ;) You are worth only the finest that love has to offer and I assure you that if you get out of your own way you will get it. Accept nothing less than EVERYTHING you deserve, always.