I love it when I ask a client what
brings them in and they joke that it’s about love, adding "like 99.9% of
everyone else". I love it because they sort of say it in jest and yet I
don't think really have any idea just how accurate they are in that assessment.
Many of those who I read for are either in relationships that they are concerned about or are looking for one that will be good for them. Typically no matter which side of the coin they land the focus of the reading invariably turns to whether or not I see them getting married or it becoming "long lasting" (which to me is code for marriage). I admire their forethought, I think that we have all asked ourselves or another in the know whether this was leading towards that, it’s rather natural. There is, however, a point at which it becomes not so normal and that is the topic I am focusing on in this piece.
I have noticed that the pursuit of a relationship we consider to be "the one" or that leads towards marriage is bordering upon obsession. Typically its women who find that all other areas of their life are full and content but they are still missing that one piece. Suddenly the aggressiveness with which they pursue this relationship is staggering, every connection becomes a potential husband...every date is essentially an interview for whether they are father material etc. etc. I get that some explain "Well, I just don't want to waste my time" but I have a very difficult time with the sentiment. The reason being is that I feel it’s important that rather than becoming as the title of this blog suggests, too destination focused, we need to put some emphasis on the journey.
A persons needs do change. I'm sure that many of you had been in relationships with men who at first explained that they wanted marriage and children but somewhere over the course of time they changed their minds. Likewise I have myself experienced the flip side...a man who was not interested in marriage or children and now we have one on the way and he is a wonderful mentor for my 8 year old son from a previous relationship ;) The point is, PEOPLE CHANGE! If you discount an individual right away you are negating the chances that could arise from that connection. Even if they do not lead to marriage how do you know whether that person was placed on your path to teach you something? How do you know whether they were coming with a particular lesson which was critical to your evolution as a human being?
The saying goes "Don't cut your nose to spite your face". If you are becoming so concerned with the destination you are missing out on everything in between. This causes a few things. It can cause you to basically send yourself into a mental tailspin, trying to know everything before you can move an inch and also it can cause you to send out a rather overeager emotional broadcast to those around you. I had a local client who hadn't even spoken a single word to the object of her affection and yet continued to tell me that if "he was interested in marriage and kids, he better get moving". When I explained that he wasn't yet interested in or thinking of those things with regards to her she conveyed "well then forget it". Now remember, though she had been coveting him from afar for about 3 months and they exchanged a few smiles in the work place they had never even uttered a syllable towards one another, EVER. You and I may chuckle at this tale but the fact is it’s a rather prevailing attitude, in varying severity, of many people out there.
They want something SOOOOOOO bad that they put the cart before the horse. All they can think about is "what's next" rather than taking a moment to enjoy where they may be.
They start getting irritated when things are not moving as fast as they may like it. They care not about the building of a foundation; rather they simply want to know "is he going to marry me". They begin to scare off their potential mate because typically they are enjoying the ride, open, perhaps, to what might develop but not getting visions of white bassinets or picket fences quite yet. In all it’s a rather counterproductive behavior which in its very essence causes the exact opposite of what is intended.
I get it, you don't want to waste your time, but perhaps if we stopped and allowed things to organically develop we would find that just because a relationship may not end in marital bliss doesn't mean that it was a waste. In absolutely every relationship no matter how superficial or otherwise we learn a great deal about ourselves, what we want, what we don't want not to mention the experiences that we gather. Sometimes the engagement is worth the wait. Sometimes we need to stop making our relationships turn into business arrangements and instead keep romance and spontaneity alive!
Take some time, explore the present, don't discount someone right away or become so focused on where things are going that you completely lose sight of where you are RIGHT NOW.