As much as I'm a supporter of my sistah's I have to say, and I say this with all love in my heart and compassion at my core...SHUT UP ALREADY!
One of the biggest complaints in relationships, aside from financial worries and child rearing is communication. If you have great communication, and you learn how to express yourself so you are heard and valued and it assists in conflict resolution, then you will have 80% of your relationship in a good, stable spot. But, sadly, it's rarely the case.
What I have noticed in observing friends, family and most importantly, my clients is that everyone talks and no one listens.
I have this particular client in private practice. She has ALL the answers. She talks over the reading, interrupts constantly only getting partial messages, she disagree's with me constantly arguing throughout the reading, she's obstinant, and she's stubborn. She's so busy talking over me she's not listening. And when she is listening she's not hearing me because I barely get two sentences out of my mouth before she is already thinking of not one, but her next 15 questions that range from the relationship to her career, to her mother's kidney stones, to her child's runny nose. She throws a million questions at me, yet NEVER does she hear the answer. As soon as she hears what SHE thinks is enough, she's on to her next question. I've tolerated this for years until this evening when I snapped!!!! Oh yes, I lost it lol....
In the heat of her rambling I stopped her and then screamed into the telephone "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WILL YOU SHUT UP!" She stopped abruptly, probably shocked that my calm voice and pleasant demeanor had shifted. She then asked, "What?" I then proceeded to tell her why she was having issues in all her interpersonal relationships, not to mention the relationship with herself. Her main issue was she could not communicate with her husband, whom she stated was just like her mother; sister; friend; dog walker....Hmmmm, is it her husband, everyone else or is it her method? I'm leaning toward her method, how about you, folks?
After we ended the session I had to take a walk. My energy was all over the place which is usually the case with highly energized clients. Their energy hits me like a mac truck and I need to walk it off or dive in the pool, or take a shower to release it otherwise I'm oatmeal for my next client.
As I "walked it off" I started to see patterns that I have with other clients, my mother, even myself. And I had an epiphany. WE, as women, supress a great deal. We are mostly peacemakers. WE sacrifice a great deal when we love and we are always waiting for the "right" time to ask for something or bring up a subject that may be unpleasant. We avoid a lot of the time and wait, some with the patience of a saint. This is a huge obstacle. I write countless blogs and articles how supressing one's voice and not communicating your needs is the surest way to lose yourself and it can build resentment and low self esteem. But due to us doing this time and time and time again, with a number of people, we tend to hold it all in and when it does come out, it's not one question, it's 50.
Men are simple creatures. As much as women like to believe they are far deeper than they are, they are not. Sorry guys, but you're not all that deep or difficult to understand. Men have 4 basic needs:
1. Food
2. Oxygen
3. Sex
4. Sports
That's about it. Sure work is in there, but we're talking about their needs. This is what men want. If you watch two men interact it's reduced to a few words, a couple grunts and a lot of scratching and rearranging of private parts. They use far less words than we do to get their message across. They ask a question and it's down to maybe 3 words, "What's for dinner?" They say little, they think of one thought at a time. They rarely talk over each other. Two men can sit at a bar all night and say absolutely nothing to each other and consider it a good time. You'll rarely hear a man say to another man, "What's wrong? Why aren't you talking?" Two men can share a meal and not say one word in between the chewing, they don't even ask their friend to pass the salt or ketchup, instead they point, mouth full, and grunt..."uh..." and the other guy, mouth full, hands him the ketchup and grunts back, "arrr"....And THAT is their conversation.
Watch your man as he watches a sports event on T.V. unless the commercial has an ice cold beer, or a scantily clad post teen blond, you will see them jump up and grab their munchies, go to the bathroom, only to return and still hear the useless chatter of the commercial to which they get annoyed, fidget in their seat. They don't want to LISTEN to useless chatter, get on with the game, man!
Men come across as cold and sometimes lacking compassion with their delivery of their thoughts. How many times has your man said something that made your jaw drop because it sounded so ignorant? I know mine has many of times. Or how many times have you heard your mother tell you, "men do that, honey, they just don't think"? It's true. They aren't rude. They aren't ignorant. They are blunt. They don't have time to explain or to make up some compassionate excuse. I remember when I was doing my daughters nursery and everything was important to me. From the colors I chose to which stuffed animals to display, and I'd ask my husband constantly, "What do you think?" He was rude. He'd reply, "I don't care". It killed me. How could he not care? Then I thought about it. Hell, he didn't even care what OUR room looked like. This was a man who thought a "Packers" sticker on our dresser mirror was considered ART! And I'm asking him about dust ruffles and throw pillows. Turn it around. I'm sure your man has asked you at one time or another about something you could give not one care about, but due to being polite, we answer as if it does matter. Well, MEN DON'T. A great many things we ask them their internal response is I DON'T CARE! They don't always say it, but it's the truth. Ask any man!
Now, all that being said, the best way to communicate with your man is directly and to the point. Don't skirt around the issue using more words, or even big words, confusing him as to what he needs to answer. Stick to the facts. If you stick to the facts, and give options such as, "You want steak or fish for dinner?" You will get an immediate response. Here are a few good ways to improve your man's communication:
1. If something is bothering you, hit it like a marine. Don't hold it in. Because I guarantee you by the time you get around to talking about it or waiting for the perfect time he will have done 20 more things that have ticked you off. Tell him when it happens.
2. Be direct, stick to the facts, no outlines, and shoot from the hip. It doesn't mean you have to beligerant or even rude, just simply put, "Pick up your socks! Call if you're going to be late? Get OFF my sister!!!!!" All of those things should be direct.
3. Pick and choose your battles. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. If you have the kind of man that repeatedly leaves something off the list when he returns from the grocery store, then deal with it. Not everything that is not done to YOUR liking is a battle. I'm sure we do plenty that irritate them, yet they don't care enough to fight over it. We should adopt this philosphy as well. Not everything is a fight, so really choose if this is a deal breaker, or just one of your partners little quirks you'll have to get use to.
4. DON'T EXAGGERATE! Men hate this. Ask any man you know. If you've been waiting 10 minutes, but you say, "I've waited 13 hours for you" it will annoy him, shut him down, and he'll go deaf. He won't listen.
5. Check your emotion at the door. If something is really bad enough to make you cry, I get it. But if you are a drama queen that cries at the drop of a hat, this gets tedious and boring to the man after month 6 and tears have little if any effect on them any longer. They do not respond to shouting or insults either. Don't go into a long winded detail of how you FEEL. This goes with "state the facts". (you're late, dinner is burned, you're buying me a lobster at Chez Over Priced tonight!). That's it. Don't go into how you feel disrespected, and it's wounding and how your father did this to you when you were 6 when he was late for the circus....He's your man, save that crap for your therapist!
6. Keep it short. Ask one or two questions. Don't go over board with the questions. After question 4-5 you've lost them. They don't want to answer any longer. And a great many answers the man gives is not consistant not because they are lying, it's because they didn't fully hear your questions because you lost them at this point.
7. Don't ask how they "feel". (insert eye roll here). Aside from hunger and sleep men aren't like us, they are in touch with their emotions but they don't label them the way we do. We feel betrayed which is different from disrespected. WE get wounded, that is different from being sad. Men don't talk like we do. Why? Because THEY DON'T CARE! So when you're asking a man a question and he answers and you come back with, "But how do you FEEL about that?" they will always look at us like we're insane. They will shrug or take a stab at the answer you want.
8. As a reader this is a pet peeve of mine, and a big one with men....DON'T ASK THE SAME DAMN QUESTION OVER AND OVER JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT ANSWER! We do this all the time. EXAMPLE:
Woman: "I don't think this is working, do you?"
Man: "I don't know"
Woman: "Do you want to break up?"
Man: "No"
Woman: "Do you want to make this work?"
Man: "I'm listening aren't I?"
Woman: "Yes, but do you love me?"
Man: "yes"
Woman: "Do you want to see other people?"
He's already answered you three times letting you know he doesn't want to break up. But you want to hear it over and over in different forms. By the end of this question, you've got him rethinking the whole breaking up question. Don't badger him.
9. Don't bring up issues you've already resolved. If you've resolved a problem, but you are trying to make a point, do not bring in something he did in 1977 that he's stopped doing in an effort to prove a point. Men hate this. Once it's done and over, let it be, don't pick at that old scar.
10. And finally KEEP IT SHORT! Women tend to wait to talk right before bed time, or once in bed. Why we do this is unbenownst to me, but we do, sadly. And men are already in sleep mode. Men dread having "the talk" at any time, but especially at bedtime. If you're going to discuss an issue keep it under 30 minute stretches because if you drone on for hours he will check out, it will irritate him, and you'll probably get responses triggered by aggitation rather than truth. If you keep these talks short, to the point and non explosive, you will find a man who isn't bothered by communication because he'll know it's not going to take all night. He'll be more open to talking and listening.
In the end good communication is the key. Expressing yourself and being honest about the issue is a great thing as well, but also being an effective listener is important too. Remember he has his own thoughts, emotions and agenda as well. He does have his own opinions on things, and he also has his needs to. Listening is always important. When he talks, or grunts, whatever it is your man does, listen, be attentive, and don't be thinking of your next question when he starts to speak.
Your comments and opinions are welcomed. I'd love to hear from you even if you disagree!
Blessings, Lisa![]()
One of the biggest complaints in relationships, aside from financial worries and child rearing is communication. If you have great communication, and you learn how to express yourself so you are heard and valued and it assists in conflict resolution, then you will have 80% of your relationship in a good, stable spot. But, sadly, it's rarely the case.
What I have noticed in observing friends, family and most importantly, my clients is that everyone talks and no one listens.
I have this particular client in private practice. She has ALL the answers. She talks over the reading, interrupts constantly only getting partial messages, she disagree's with me constantly arguing throughout the reading, she's obstinant, and she's stubborn. She's so busy talking over me she's not listening. And when she is listening she's not hearing me because I barely get two sentences out of my mouth before she is already thinking of not one, but her next 15 questions that range from the relationship to her career, to her mother's kidney stones, to her child's runny nose. She throws a million questions at me, yet NEVER does she hear the answer. As soon as she hears what SHE thinks is enough, she's on to her next question. I've tolerated this for years until this evening when I snapped!!!! Oh yes, I lost it lol....
In the heat of her rambling I stopped her and then screamed into the telephone "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WILL YOU SHUT UP!" She stopped abruptly, probably shocked that my calm voice and pleasant demeanor had shifted. She then asked, "What?" I then proceeded to tell her why she was having issues in all her interpersonal relationships, not to mention the relationship with herself. Her main issue was she could not communicate with her husband, whom she stated was just like her mother; sister; friend; dog walker....Hmmmm, is it her husband, everyone else or is it her method? I'm leaning toward her method, how about you, folks?
After we ended the session I had to take a walk. My energy was all over the place which is usually the case with highly energized clients. Their energy hits me like a mac truck and I need to walk it off or dive in the pool, or take a shower to release it otherwise I'm oatmeal for my next client.
As I "walked it off" I started to see patterns that I have with other clients, my mother, even myself. And I had an epiphany. WE, as women, supress a great deal. We are mostly peacemakers. WE sacrifice a great deal when we love and we are always waiting for the "right" time to ask for something or bring up a subject that may be unpleasant. We avoid a lot of the time and wait, some with the patience of a saint. This is a huge obstacle. I write countless blogs and articles how supressing one's voice and not communicating your needs is the surest way to lose yourself and it can build resentment and low self esteem. But due to us doing this time and time and time again, with a number of people, we tend to hold it all in and when it does come out, it's not one question, it's 50.
Men are simple creatures. As much as women like to believe they are far deeper than they are, they are not. Sorry guys, but you're not all that deep or difficult to understand. Men have 4 basic needs:
1. Food
2. Oxygen
3. Sex
4. Sports
That's about it. Sure work is in there, but we're talking about their needs. This is what men want. If you watch two men interact it's reduced to a few words, a couple grunts and a lot of scratching and rearranging of private parts. They use far less words than we do to get their message across. They ask a question and it's down to maybe 3 words, "What's for dinner?" They say little, they think of one thought at a time. They rarely talk over each other. Two men can sit at a bar all night and say absolutely nothing to each other and consider it a good time. You'll rarely hear a man say to another man, "What's wrong? Why aren't you talking?" Two men can share a meal and not say one word in between the chewing, they don't even ask their friend to pass the salt or ketchup, instead they point, mouth full, and grunt..."uh..." and the other guy, mouth full, hands him the ketchup and grunts back, "arrr"....And THAT is their conversation.
Watch your man as he watches a sports event on T.V. unless the commercial has an ice cold beer, or a scantily clad post teen blond, you will see them jump up and grab their munchies, go to the bathroom, only to return and still hear the useless chatter of the commercial to which they get annoyed, fidget in their seat. They don't want to LISTEN to useless chatter, get on with the game, man!
Men come across as cold and sometimes lacking compassion with their delivery of their thoughts. How many times has your man said something that made your jaw drop because it sounded so ignorant? I know mine has many of times. Or how many times have you heard your mother tell you, "men do that, honey, they just don't think"? It's true. They aren't rude. They aren't ignorant. They are blunt. They don't have time to explain or to make up some compassionate excuse. I remember when I was doing my daughters nursery and everything was important to me. From the colors I chose to which stuffed animals to display, and I'd ask my husband constantly, "What do you think?" He was rude. He'd reply, "I don't care". It killed me. How could he not care? Then I thought about it. Hell, he didn't even care what OUR room looked like. This was a man who thought a "Packers" sticker on our dresser mirror was considered ART! And I'm asking him about dust ruffles and throw pillows. Turn it around. I'm sure your man has asked you at one time or another about something you could give not one care about, but due to being polite, we answer as if it does matter. Well, MEN DON'T. A great many things we ask them their internal response is I DON'T CARE! They don't always say it, but it's the truth. Ask any man!
Now, all that being said, the best way to communicate with your man is directly and to the point. Don't skirt around the issue using more words, or even big words, confusing him as to what he needs to answer. Stick to the facts. If you stick to the facts, and give options such as, "You want steak or fish for dinner?" You will get an immediate response. Here are a few good ways to improve your man's communication:
1. If something is bothering you, hit it like a marine. Don't hold it in. Because I guarantee you by the time you get around to talking about it or waiting for the perfect time he will have done 20 more things that have ticked you off. Tell him when it happens.
2. Be direct, stick to the facts, no outlines, and shoot from the hip. It doesn't mean you have to beligerant or even rude, just simply put, "Pick up your socks! Call if you're going to be late? Get OFF my sister!!!!!" All of those things should be direct.
3. Pick and choose your battles. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. If you have the kind of man that repeatedly leaves something off the list when he returns from the grocery store, then deal with it. Not everything that is not done to YOUR liking is a battle. I'm sure we do plenty that irritate them, yet they don't care enough to fight over it. We should adopt this philosphy as well. Not everything is a fight, so really choose if this is a deal breaker, or just one of your partners little quirks you'll have to get use to.
4. DON'T EXAGGERATE! Men hate this. Ask any man you know. If you've been waiting 10 minutes, but you say, "I've waited 13 hours for you" it will annoy him, shut him down, and he'll go deaf. He won't listen.
5. Check your emotion at the door. If something is really bad enough to make you cry, I get it. But if you are a drama queen that cries at the drop of a hat, this gets tedious and boring to the man after month 6 and tears have little if any effect on them any longer. They do not respond to shouting or insults either. Don't go into a long winded detail of how you FEEL. This goes with "state the facts". (you're late, dinner is burned, you're buying me a lobster at Chez Over Priced tonight!). That's it. Don't go into how you feel disrespected, and it's wounding and how your father did this to you when you were 6 when he was late for the circus....He's your man, save that crap for your therapist!
6. Keep it short. Ask one or two questions. Don't go over board with the questions. After question 4-5 you've lost them. They don't want to answer any longer. And a great many answers the man gives is not consistant not because they are lying, it's because they didn't fully hear your questions because you lost them at this point.
7. Don't ask how they "feel". (insert eye roll here). Aside from hunger and sleep men aren't like us, they are in touch with their emotions but they don't label them the way we do. We feel betrayed which is different from disrespected. WE get wounded, that is different from being sad. Men don't talk like we do. Why? Because THEY DON'T CARE! So when you're asking a man a question and he answers and you come back with, "But how do you FEEL about that?" they will always look at us like we're insane. They will shrug or take a stab at the answer you want.
8. As a reader this is a pet peeve of mine, and a big one with men....DON'T ASK THE SAME DAMN QUESTION OVER AND OVER JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY HOPING FOR A DIFFERENT ANSWER! We do this all the time. EXAMPLE:
Woman: "I don't think this is working, do you?"
Man: "I don't know"
Woman: "Do you want to break up?"
Man: "No"
Woman: "Do you want to make this work?"
Man: "I'm listening aren't I?"
Woman: "Yes, but do you love me?"
Man: "yes"
Woman: "Do you want to see other people?"
He's already answered you three times letting you know he doesn't want to break up. But you want to hear it over and over in different forms. By the end of this question, you've got him rethinking the whole breaking up question. Don't badger him.
9. Don't bring up issues you've already resolved. If you've resolved a problem, but you are trying to make a point, do not bring in something he did in 1977 that he's stopped doing in an effort to prove a point. Men hate this. Once it's done and over, let it be, don't pick at that old scar.
10. And finally KEEP IT SHORT! Women tend to wait to talk right before bed time, or once in bed. Why we do this is unbenownst to me, but we do, sadly. And men are already in sleep mode. Men dread having "the talk" at any time, but especially at bedtime. If you're going to discuss an issue keep it under 30 minute stretches because if you drone on for hours he will check out, it will irritate him, and you'll probably get responses triggered by aggitation rather than truth. If you keep these talks short, to the point and non explosive, you will find a man who isn't bothered by communication because he'll know it's not going to take all night. He'll be more open to talking and listening.
In the end good communication is the key. Expressing yourself and being honest about the issue is a great thing as well, but also being an effective listener is important too. Remember he has his own thoughts, emotions and agenda as well. He does have his own opinions on things, and he also has his needs to. Listening is always important. When he talks, or grunts, whatever it is your man does, listen, be attentive, and don't be thinking of your next question when he starts to speak.
Your comments and opinions are welcomed. I'd love to hear from you even if you disagree!
Blessings, Lisa