With approximately twenty percent of relationships beginning on social networking and dating sites, we may, at times, take for granted that the person we are interested in is available to build a relationship.
In a time when we are plugged in 24/7 and able to connect at will, we need to use logic and common sense as to whether the person we are pursuing is truly available.
Whether the person is local to us or at some distance, there are some very clear indicators to watch for that can help us determine whether a person is truly available.
Communication Patterns
Although we are grown adults and don’t need the immediate gratification of an instantaneous response whenever we leave a voice mail, send an email or a text, does it take an inordinate amount of time to receive responses? A 24 hour response time is reasonable, however, when it takes more than a day for someone to get back to you who is supposedly “interested” in you, either they are not truly interested, or they already have a significant other taking up their time.
Another tell tale sign would be only having contact during “off” social times, such as late night, early morning (i.e. while they are driving to work), and weekdays only, (every weekend they seem to disappear…dead give away). Yes, it’s sweet to get a call or a text in the morning before work, but if the bulk of your communications occur during the early hours of the day, they have someone they share the rest of their time with. Late night phone calls? They’re partner may be asleep in the next room, or may be working the night shift.
What about their social network page? Lots of pictures with other people, or perhaps one person in particular? Posted after the weekends you haven’t heard a peep from them? Despite how obvious the fact that they are actively socializing is, unless you are in the infancy of connecting, the first few weeks, this person has no true interest in developing a connection with you, you are likely just a pleasant distraction or a back up plan.
These are clear signs that they are involved with someone.
Relationship Status
Privacy settings can allow people to mask their true status, however, don’t fall for the old “my status is set to being in a relationship with her as a favor” story. If it says she’s his girlfriend, she is.
“It’s Complicated” generally has different definitions for males than for females. Males will generally use that status when they are in a relationship that is going through a rough patch, or if they are not sure that they want to be in the relationship. Bottom line is that they are not truly available.
Females tend to use the “complicated” status when they are broken up with someone that they can’t let go of, or involved with someone that has another primary significant other, such as a married man. Females who are obsessed with men that they can’t have, and are “stalkers” actually use this status quite a bit. Bottom line is, they are not truly available.
Married
What about the married person who tells you they are not in a good marriage?
“HELLO”! They’re MARRIED!! Happy or not, don’t get caught in the middle, tell them to look you up after they are DIVORCED!!! Just because they are spending time stealing away to chat with you online, it does NOT mean they are available. Married is married. Save yourself a lot of heartache and move on, if their marriage is that bad they will look you up after they are divorced if they are truly interested in you. Many people who list themselves as in complicated relationship statuses are married.
Meeting and Dating
When a person is truly interested in getting to know you and see if you can build a relationship together, they will likely want to meet you within the first two weeks of connecting. If the person is local to you, i.e. a reasonably commutable distance of say four hours drive or less, your first meeting should not go beyond a one month time frame at most. Unreasonable delays in arranging to meet indicate the strong likelihood of the presence of a significant other. If you are local to each other, the first meeting should not be hard to arrange at all.
If the person is long distance, i.e. more than a four hour drive from you, you already have a huge obstacle to developing a relationship, however, it is not impossible. Initial meetings should still occur within a month’s time, if the distance is too great to allow for this you really won’t be successful in developing your relationship unless one of you relocates. Few reasonable adults relocate for strangers, so don’t invest, they are unavailable to you due to pure logistics.
Dating should occur on at least a weekly basis if the person is local to you and truly available. If you’ve got a bit of a long distance, at least biweekly. If you find it very difficult to sync your schedules, the person you are interested in likely is involved elsewhere.
If you have an extremely long distance between you, you are at an extremely high risk of your intended having an involvement elsewhere, pay attention to the communication patterns. If you can’t spend real time together face to face, how will you ever get to know each other?
The advent of internet socializing has broadened our opportunities for meeting people and developing relationships, but you must still use logic and common sense before putting your heart online.
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