Are You The “Other Woman”?
There are two sides to every story, and sometimes there may actually be three or four.
When we involve ourselves in an affair with someone who is already committed elsewhere, i.e. has a steady girlfriend (or boyfriend), lives with someone, or is married, we are involving ourselves in an emotionally risky business.
Someone is going to be hurt.
That’s a cold hard fact.
It is the rare situation indeed where one partner is cheating and either the original partner or the outside partner does not get hurt.
I have written many blogs on the subject of Why People Cheatand the reasons are as varied as there are grains of salt in the ocean, the cold hard facts are, it happens. Many times it happens when we least expect it.
Do people go out and think, “Gee, I’m going to go out tonight and find myself a married person to fall in love with?” No. Attraction, destiny, life circumstances, soul connections, physical desire, dissatisfaction, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.
If you are the "Other Woman", (or man), in a Relationship Triangle, this blog is being written for you to try to help you gain some insight into your situation. If you are an injured party in an adulterous affair, please bypass this blog, as it may anger or upset you and you really should read no further. I will have written blogs, such as, Surviving an Affair to help you address the aftermaths of an affair. (Yes, I have been cheated on before, but I try to look at things from all angles, so please, I am not condoning affairs, just analyzing and working with them for my clients who are experiencing this side of the mountain right now.)
First of all, you need to know what the limitations of your current situation are. Yes, someday he may leave his wife, but you can’t live in the future, you live in the NOW, so you must focus on the now. If he is not married, but living with a woman, (or man), it is nearly as complicated as if he were married, so this will apply to you as well. If he is not yet engaged and it is just a girlfriend/boyfriend situation, there is no reason for him not to be out of the other relationship already. You need to know if it is not a serious commitment to the other partner at this time, and he (or she) is seeing both of you, your lover is unlikely to end that other relationship to be solely with you.
If he is married and seeing you, you need to realize that your plans are always going to be subject to last minute changes. Last minute cancellations are just as prominent as last minute get-togethers.
You will also be spending most, if not all, major holidays alone, while he is enjoying the company of his family, including his spouse.
You will not be able to openly share your relationship with the public, discretion will be a necessity, and so therefore, you will never get to know his parents, siblings, his children or his circle of friends. (Unless he does divorce in the future).
You will be living in the shadows.
The married man who is dating another woman may be a man who never has any intention of leaving his marriage, or he could be ready to leave and for any one of a thousand reasons, the timing may not yet be right for him.
The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship do you really want?
Do you want to suffer through the uncertainty, possibly years, of wondering if he is ever going to get divorced? Has he ever even mentioned the “D” word to you?
Do you want a man that can take you out in public and share 100% of his life with you, or are you satisfied with 50% or less?
Are you prepared for the backlash that is likely to occur if your affair is ever discovered by his wife and children? It is not likely to be pleasant.
If your bond to him is so strong that you feel that you are ready and willing to deal with this uncomfortable situation, then here are some ways to cope.
Always be aware that no matter how firmly he promises to follow through on any plans that he makes with you, that “The Wife” card will always trump you. Always remind yourself as you anticipate a weekend getaway that yes, it can be postponed, yet again. If you keep your expectations low, you will not be devastated at last minute cancellations.
Try not to be ready to see him at the drop of a hat. He will find himself unexpectedly free and available at times, and will contact you wanting to see you desperately as he has some unexpected free time. You will be very tempted to take advantage of each and every opportunity to see him, but if you are wise, you will not allow this to occur as it teaches him that he is your priority, though you are not his.
Remember, he is romancing you against your better judgment, so these types of affairs can be extremely romantic and dramatic, grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual, he has to convince you that although he is committed elsewhere he is worth your time. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. If he did not lie, he would not be dating you and he would not be cheating on his wife. If he is lying to his wife, don’t think for a second that he isn’t lying to you.
One of the biggest lies that married men who cheat tell, is that they don’t sleep with their wives anymore, many of them will even claim to having separate bedrooms, don’t believe it, they all say that. If he is still married to her he is still sleeping with her and yes, they are still having sex. With that in mind, the biggest mistake “the other woman” makes is being exclusive to the married man she is dating. Until he files for a divorce, you should continue dating other single and available men. It is best if you can walk away from the married guy and say “look me up after your divorce”, but if you simply can’t, please continue to date men that are available concurrently, otherwise you will be very lonely at times.
Be careful who you share information about your affair with. People love to gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Even some of your best friends may judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be very careful about who you discuss it with.
Set a time limit for your affair.
Unless you want to be like Katherine Hepburn and spend decades as the other woman, only to have him die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on. If he does not give you a timeframe, walk away. If he says he is waiting for the kids to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If he set a timeframe and it has passed without him going into the process of divorce, walk away.
In all of this, you must consider as well, how he speaks of his current wife.
Does he refer to her respectfully and honestly state the reasons for his dissatisfaction with his marriage? If that is the case, he respects women and probably just outgrew the relationship.
Does he run her down and call her names and degrade her? Well, in that case, it may make you temporarily feel good because it convinces you he’s not in love with her, but, remember, that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like him to talk about you like that? It’s disrespectful. Never trust someone that has nothing but bad things to say about their partner or their exes because someday they could be speaking of you that way.
It is a high risk situation that you
are in. You could very easily have your heart broken. He may stay
married forever. It does happen. You can possibly spend years on
the fringes of his life loving him and hoping for change only to be
disappointed in the end. It is best to avoid the situation all together
if possible, but if it happens to you, you are not alone and if you need help
surviving it and coping with it and trying to make your decisions you may need
to seek outside counsel to discuss your situation. I will be happy to work with you and discuss your situation. I will not judge you, nor will I tell you what to do. I will, however, present your options to you, and evaluate the situation you are on, based on over a dozen years of experience of dealing with hundreds of clients who have found themselves in this exact predicament. Just click the call button above to arrange a call with me and we can start sorting through your feelings and you can start making intelligent choices concerning your relationship as soon as today.
Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop
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