Good fences make good neighbors. There is wisdom in this old saying, as long as the fence doesn’t become too extreme in either direction. Too short, and the fence really doesn’t serve any purpose other than slowing down someone who is trying to get over it. Too tall, and it effectively isolates the person behind the fence and the neighbors actually become strangers to each other. Boundaries, as in everything, must be in correct balance.
I have a friend, Sandy, I have known since childhood. During our early 30’s we were living on opposite sides of the country, staying in contact by phone and email. One day, I received an email from Sandy with the wonderful news that she had just read an article about boundaries and decided that it totally applied to her. She found that in absolute terms she had allowed everyone in her life to take advantage of her. She ended the email with the notice that it was in her best interest to become more assertive and serious about boundaries. I noted that she had sent this scathing email to everyone in her circle of friends and relatives.
Over the next six months, Sandy effectively removed anyone from her life that she felt had gone against her strict rules. At first, I agreed and applauded many of her choices, like the so called friend that only contacted her when she needed money, the depressed aunt that used her as a verbal punching bag, and the man that would never commit. Then she started cutting out a few people that I felt weren’t that bad. Then she totally axed some folks that I personally knew had her best interest at heart. At the end of six months, Sandy’s email list was down to just me. She had stopped communicating with all of her friends and family. Her reasons were rigid, and well, self-absorbed. I was worried about her, and in addition I was worried that I was the only one left. I pride myself on being easy-going, but had I become too understanding?
I received the “you’re next” email right after having that thought. Her reasoning was that I did not fully understand and commensurate with her troubled past. I picked up the phone and over the next few hours we debated what was really going on. I pointed out that Sandy had become overly rigid and non-cooperative. She hadn’t tightened her boundaries, she had closed them. She had become so self-involved and worried that others were taking advantage of her, that she was willing to walk away from some pretty important people in her life. The turning point of the conversation was when she blurted out, “I am so alone.” I had no choice but to remind her that she had caused this herself. I had to state the obvious cliché: The reed that doesn’t bend in the wind, breaks.
Over time, she rebuilt most of her relationships, leaving out only those that were truly toxic. She wasn’t isolated and alone anymore. Her experience taught me that when establishing and enforcing personal boundaries, one must consider wisely. You want to be adaptable to situations and consider the other person as much as you are considering yourself. Of course, there are those relationships that absolutely must be broken. Anyone that physically or verbally abuses you should be fenced out, no if ands or buts. Beyond that, each relationship should be considered independently based on what your tolerance level is and how you feel about the person. I once knew a man that seemed to be a great person for about the first year that I knew him. After that first year, he relapsed into a serious drug addiction. I had young children and felt that he was not someone that should be in my life or theirs. Now, if I had not had children at that time, I may have tried to be a positive influence for change for him, but at that time my children came first in my life.
I don’t give up easily on people and it can probably be said that I have given more then I get, but this is what works for me. You must decide your boundaries for yourself based on what works for you. Keep your boundaries securely, but never close them completely!